Skip to main content

Full text of "The Squib"

/<7W 




KODAKS V I CTOR RECORDS 


Father (to young suitor) : "Why, young man, 
you couldn't even dress her." 

Suitor: "'Z' at so! Well it won't take me long- 
to learn." 

Lord Jeff 


DEUEL'S DRUG 
STORE 


First: "I sure felt tickled today." 
Second: "How's that?" 

First: "Mother just sent me my woolen under- 
wear." 


"Waiter!" 
res, sir. 
"What's this?" 
"It's bean soup, sir." 

"No matter what it has been, the question is 
what is it now?" 

Virginia Reel 


DUNHILL, BBB, 
WATERMAN TREBOR AND 
FOUNT A I N PENS K AG WOOD I E 

PIPES 


OH ME! OH MY! 

Lips were made to kiss, 
Hands were made to squeeze, 
Women's hearts were made for men 
To do with as they please. 

Love was made for many, 
Flirting made for all- 
Women's hearts were made for men 
For men have none at all. 


If You Don't Smoke Them, We 
Both Lose 


The The 
FENBROS CIGAR E. & J. CIGAR 
8c, 2 for 15c 13c, 2 for 25c 


The E. & J. Cigar Co. 

Manufacturers of Cigars 


The 

James McKinnon Co. 

Plates for College Annuals 

Class Books and all illustrative purposes 

Quality first. Prices Right. 

257 Main St. Springfield, Mass. 


Wholesalers of 
Cigars, Cigarettes and Tobacco 


25 Main Street Northampton, Mass. 



HICKEY-FREEMAN CLOTHES 

Ready-To-Wear 
or 
Custom-Made 

THOMAS F. WALSH 
College Outfitter 


"Is Ruth a girl of good principle?" 
"She ought to be." 
"How come?" 

"Well, she's a capital sport, and she draws a 
lot of interest." 

Boivdoin Bear Skin 


THEY'RE SPEEDY MARKERS 

"I hear some of these Profs, lead a fast life." 
"I doubt it; none of 'em passed me this year." 

Gargoyle 


Prof.: (after long-winded proof): "And now we 
find that x equals 0." 

Sleepy Stude: "Hell! All that work for noth- 
mg? 

Siren 


He: "Shall we go outside for a little walk?" 
She: "You boys do have the funniest way of 
saying what you mean." 

Banter 

* 


There is safety in numbers — so long as you can 
keep each thinking she is Number One. 

Tattler 


Play The Hits 


"Poppa, what are cosmetics?" 

"Cosmetics, my son, are peach preservers." 

Mass. Tech. Voo Don 


1 u r II 

Tenor Banjo 
Mandolin Banjo 
Mandolins 
Ukelele 
Guitar 

Special short courses that instruct 
how to play "popular music" with all 
the effects by an experienced teacher. 


AW!! 

"Staying up for the Centennial?" 

"Naw, I'll be up for the next one, though." 

Virginia Reel 


The Davenport 

The haven for 
House-party Guests; 

Class, and Fraternity Banquets 

MRS. J. K. W. DAVENPORT 
Phone 440 


Complete line of instruments, includ- 
ing the famous "Gibson". 

Right Goods at Right Prices 


THE COOKE STUDIO 

Sherwin Block, Main St., Northampton 
(over 5 and 10c Store) 





Frosh: "What time does Chapel start?" 




Soph: "Right before breakfast." 


" 'Arriet went to a medium to communicate with 




her late departed 'usband. She was soon connect- 
ed." 






"Is that you 'Any?" 




"Yes 'Arriet." 

"Are you 'appy 'Arry." 

"Yes/ 'Arriet." 

"Are you much 'appier than you were with me 


Fresh Youth (to lady with a very low-cut 
dress) : "I'm wondering what keeps your dress up." 
The lady: "Your self-control." 


'Arry?" * 


Lampoon 


"Yes, 'Arriet." 




"Is 'eaven very nice, 'Arry?" 

"'I'm not in 'eaven, 'Arriet, I'm in 'ell. 






The Owl 


Carl Schy 




SCORE! 


Tailor 


Football Enthusiast (as first opponent is carted 




off the field): 

"One down, ten to go!" 


Not only the best but the most reason- 


Record 

• 


able for pressing and repair work. 


Mitchell Bclkin 


THE FIRELESS TELEPHONE 


PHOTOGRAPHERS 


In Hades: Hello! 




In Heaven: Hal-o! 




Judge 


241 Main St. Studios 
Phone 1 753 Northampton, Mass. 




Springfield, Mass. 


THE OTHER ONE 




Highbrow: "Is she his fiancee?" 

Lowbrow: "Naw, that's the skirt he is going 






to marry." 


Special Rates 


Williams Purple Cow 


to Students 




Experts in Films developed 


YOL'STEADY THERE NOW! 


developing and FREE 
printing to students 


Tom: "What's the matter? Lame leg?" 
Jerry: "Nope, boot-leg." 

Penn State Nitwit 


your films 





Amherst Book Store 



Fountain Pens and Banners 



A large assortment of all kinds of Fiction 



Step in and let me show you the new 
Lefax Note Book 



C. F. DYER 



A CO-ED OF TWO WORLDS 

When Liz dines out she says with ease: 
"Oh, won't yon pass the butter, please?" 
Home when that stuff she wants to have, 
She says, "Maw, slide across the salve." 

Ohio Sun Dial 



Billy: "I feel wound up to-night." 

Tilly: "That's funny. You don't seem to go." 

T irginia Reel 



SO WOULD WE 

Prospect: "I would like to see a first-class 
second hand car." 

Salesman: "So would I." 

Burr 



LET THE 



Sing Lee Laundry 



DO YOUR WORK 



All Work Guaranteed 



Fishing, fishing, 

One of the gentlest arts; 
Whether you fish for fish, 

Or whether you fish for hearts. 



Fishing, fishing, 

It's all in the hands of fate; 
But then your success will depend more or less, 

Upon what you use for bait. 



E. F. CARLSON CO. 



CONTRACTORS 



ALUMNI MEMORIAL BUILDING 

GIRLS' DORMITORY BUILDING 

CAVALRY HORSE BARN 



244 Main St. 



SPRINGFIELD, MASS. 



HOMESICK 

How dull this grammar is 

—I'm sick of books, 
For all I've done for years and years is this 

— I'm thin as spooks, 

I wish I were home! 

These dismal days all seem to drag 

— I feel so queer, 
When time's so slow, and dead, and bound to lag 

— It seems a year 

Since I was home! 

The food is poor I've had 

— You ought to try 
The biscuits Mother makes; they're not like lead 

— And oh, her pie — 
If I were home! 

My girl's forgotten too 

— They're fickle things; 
When you are gone, they'll have another new, 

— They'll have their flings, 
For I'm not home! 

I'm tired, I've got a grudge 

— I'm sick, that's all, 
I can't keep up this dreary, dismal drudge 

— Though I have to crawl, 
I'm going home! 



<p 




U[ 



m 







afianoaano 

x f JDDDDDQ 

auaoo 

DDDDDI; 
4DO0O 

anoao 

«a 

□D? 

ddj 

ooisi 

ma' 

laacn 

'aDDDODI 
'DDDDDD^ 



DWto DDCi. 

"DDDDODQ 
DDDDODDD. V. 

Daooaoan \ii 

PDDDDDDDCi 

oaoQaaa& 

DDDDDDDD 
DDDDQDD 

DDoaaaa. 

ODOODDDa 

aDDDDDDO 

|"D\ \ pnaDDDDD 

)a ch^c__ni a a a a a a a 
aaaaoanoonosc 

v 
c 
r 



ID J 



1DDSJ 



iar 

/oDoa 

/oaar 

(tin do 
ran dp.. 



laa dqoi 

■aDDODP D " 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



LiteraryEditor 

B. F. Jackson, '22 

Art Editor 

C. A. Towne, '23 

Exchange Editor 
G. E. White, '22 



Editor-in-Chief 
C. R. Vinten, '22 

ManagingEditor 
T. T. Abele, '23 

Business Manager 
H. E. Weatherwax, '24 



Advertising Manager 
R. P. Smith, '22 

Circulation Manager 
E. F. Lamb, '24 

Asst. Advertising Mgr. 
C. E. Bowes, '24 



% 



Literary Department 
C. A. Buck, '22 
W. E. Chapin, '22 
K. C. Randall, '22 
J. L. Walsh, '22 
H. E. Wentsch, '22 

E. W. Burke, '23 

F. Brunner, '24 



Art Department 
R. M. Acheson, '22 
J. Kroeck, '22 
R. Noyes, '24 

Business Department 
H. H. Davis, '24 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massac^rselts Agricultural College 
In the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed 
to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price' $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager. Those not receiving 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



I 



T'S rumored about that one of our Profs, is so 
absent-minded that when he entered his 
office the other day and noticed a sign on his door, 
"Back at four o'clock," he sat down to wait for 

himself. 

Gargoyle 



{{"THAT'S a hell of a note," said the monkey 
* as he sneezed into the saxophone. 

Scalper 



^^7^^ 



Editorials 



m ^ OR most of us sophisticated upper-classmen the pangs of homesickness tend to come in mid- 
wm& summer when we pine for Toby, or the gridiron, the girl, or for the men of old Aggie. But we 
M all remember how along in the first term of our first year we felt like packing up and going 

9 home to mother. It is to the Frosh, then, that this issue is primarily dedicated. 

It was a sad, sad blow for many a prospective agriculturalist whose ears had been filled with the 
beauties of Aggie, when he finally arrived at this far away town. Ke found that he must pass entrance 
examinations no matter how influential his father might be. He found that if conditioned in any sub- 
ject he could not take part in athletics. He found the sophs most disagreeable, trying to rob him of 
fifty cents for a poster, paddling him, parading him, pulling him through the pond and tossing him into 
the pond. It was a sad, sad world. He could not enter the frat houses, and the upper classmen scarcely 
noticed him save when there was work to be done. 

Cheer up, though, Frosh. You've learned to know your fellows, you've made a good start on your 
studies, and next term you will learn that we love you just the same. 



^\l SEEMS fitting at this lime in the educational development of ourembryonic yearlings to put 
^M before them, in an intelligible form, a type of literature thai will appeal to the tastes of such 

%a^F highly trained intellects as those possessed by High School alumni. Squibby has endeavored 
to incorporate between the covers of this first issue such philosophical forms of humor as may 

be clear enough to be understood by the most succulent cerebellums, and such other symbols of frivolity 

as we feel sure will not offend the most modest. 



In dedicating the initial number of the year we naturally look to the Freshman Class, not because 
it deserves the honor, but rather because there is such a wealth of humorous material associated with the 
name "Freshman." So many are the unfortunate experiences of the benighted Frosh that the bold and 
fearless Sophomore looks on in delight, the dignified and stately Upper-classman looks on in passive in- 
difference, and Squibby records the follies of both. 



The following men have signified their intentions to enter the competition for membership on 
the Squib Board : 

Sherman '24 Craig '25 

Cook '25 Ward '25 

Duffy '25 Langenbacher '25 

Salmon '25 Hale '25 

Batal '25 Waite '25 

Wilder '25 Dean '25 

Whittum '25 Knowles '25 



The Squib 




BOTA uy 



D 



^JTLOT: Cheer up, mate, if you don't get 
* homesick, you're sure to get seasick. 

S 

MUTUAL ADMIRATION 

" I 'HE Prof waxed humorous: "I needs must tell 
*■ a joke," said he; and proceeded as follows: 

There were three men working in a well when Pat, 
the foreman, yelled down, "how many are there of yez 
down there?" "Three," answered, the men. "Well 
half of yez come up," said Pat. 

The class laughed loudly, and each man said to 
himself, "What an old fossil he is to think that we 
never heard that one before." 

And the Prof smiles as he turned toward the 
blackboard thinking, "What cheerful dumb-bells 
these students are. That joke ought to last ten 
more years." 

S 

COWBOY Joe: I took that bull by the horns, 
threw him on the ground and killed him 
with my pocket knife. When they came to weigh 
him they found that be weighed over four thousand 
pounds. 

Cowboy Bill: (looking skyward). Some bull. 

S 

VICTIM: Officer, I want to have my wife 
arrested. 
Officer: Why? 

Victim: She rocked me to sleep. 
Officer: W T ell there's nothing wrong in that, 
is there? 

Victim: Sure, here's the rock. 



ISEASES found among Freshmen: 

Homesickness — very prevalent (first term). 
Sopho-phoebia — noticeable at once. 
Drill-phoebia — four times a week. 
Quizz-phoebia — before first Dean's Saturday. 
Nine-phoebia — alarming during first month. 



RULES OF THE MODERN DANCE 

/"\BEY the motor law — Don't park in corners. 
^■^ Wear O'Sullivan's Heels they give you the 
spring. 

Don't kiss the same girl twice. 

Hold tight so as to be sure of your side of the 
argument — Is she for or against you? 



T 



HREE girls went for a Tramp in the woods — 
he died. 



MEET my bosom friend, Miss Brassiere 
also 
My closest friend with the Initials B. V. D. 

''■ ;■ ; S 

£f\X7HAT are you going to write on for your 
* * Egnglish class?" 
"On paper of course." 



TWO lovers of music attended a musical re- 
cital one evening. After the performance 
was half over Mr. Jones said to Air. Brown : 

Mr. Jones: Do you live in an apartment or a 
flat? 

Mr. Brown: I live in an apartment. Why? 
Mr. Jones: Well then you cannot appreciate 
this flat harmony. 



A POND party is not, as many people think, 
an afternoon tea. It is decidedly "wet." 

S 

iRODIGAL son: Mother I have come home 

to die. 

Mother: You big stiff you have come home to 
eat. 



O] 



The Squib 



Isn't it lucky that the Pilgrims landed on the rock 
■1 instead of the rock landing on the Pilgrims. 

S 



I fE: Say Miss, I'd like to dance with you the 
■*■ * worst way. 

She: Sorry but I don't Jazz any more. 



A FABLE IN SLANG 

That Fresh Young Man. 

ONCE upon a time there was a fresh young man 
pretentiously equipped with the necessary 
intellectual proclivities to make his debut before 
the August orbs of certain Agriculturely engaged 
Profs. Sporting a manly physique that had 
caused countless wall-eyed flappers at the high 
brow bathing places to ogle with naked admiration 
he consequently had a heavy crush on himself. 

LJnfortunately for this fresh young man the 
Greek halls had postponed their premeditated 
loving parties until the time of Santa Claus. Re- 
gardless of that intermittent manly association 
with numerous other fresh young men, this par- 
ticular Prep School wonder began to accumulate 
a healthy spasm of desert "mal de mer" or Bos- 
tonian Homesickness and his wailing homeward 
epistles began to take the form of funereal dirges. 
Just at the point when the fond parents had signed 
a contract with the undertaker, they were startled 
to note a radiant glow in those previously despond- 
ent wailings from their young hopeful. 

Some unconscious practitioner among the school 
populace had inveigled our fresh young man into 
shaking hands with a certain engaging and fluent 
maiden named Eve. This gifted Daphne had 
absorbed more than her share of the ancient tradition 
of the Wollyian tribe during three hectic years of 
ardent study dealing mostly with ancient and 
modern man. She was able to divert the hitherto 
leaf green youth into imagining himself as supping 
the true Olympian ambrosia, when in reality 
this particular Sireen had Cleopatra and Theda 
Bara left so far back in the dust they couldn't 
read her numberplates. 

The only hard part of it all was that when the 
youth went out for infant's football he had to have 
his bottle regular and climb into bed at promptly 
nine and as Eve just couldn't tolerate such appar- 
ent indifference on his part their romantic Chapter 
culminated without a climax and our hero ate 
toast instead of ambrosia. 

Moral: Join the International Fussers' LJnion. 



I GOT this cigar from Cohen. 
Zat so? 
Yes, he said that they were two for a quarter. 
Well, what of it? 

Nothing, only he must have kept the twenty 
cent one, that's all. 



ANOTHER SHELL FIRED AT A SHELL 

To the Chem. Lab. 

nd once again in with'ring rhyme I tell 

My despair and my hate at sight of thee, 
As, staring forth like lightening shattered tree, 

Thou mockest me with every stinking smell, 
That ever imp of Satan brewed in hell. 

Each blithesome breeze doth make thee shake 
with glee, 
For thou hast rotten been since 'eighty three, 

And were unsafe way back when Paris fell. 
Oh that some night I might awake from sleep, 

And hear a crackling noise by the Ravine, 
And see the gaily-colored blazings leap 

As thou wert oxidized, thou stench obscene! 
I'd smile to think how Boston men would weep, 

Then rim to help pour on some kerosene! 



CLERK: What's your full name? 
Customer: When I'm full I feel like a mil- 
lionaire so you might put down John D. Rocke- 
feller. 



S 



HE kissed her in the corner for pleasure he was 
seeking. 
He missed her mouth and kissed her nose to 
find the darn thing leaking. 



O 'long Nigger, you ain't got nuff money fo' 
dis game. 



The Squib 



THE DECEASE OF PROF. EBONYTOP 



It is with great sorrow that the Squib board announces to its readers the happy news 
of the decease of Prof. Ebonytop. He was assigned "The Celestial Kingdom" as his subject 
for this issue. In accordance with his customary practice of obtaining first hand information 
concerning his subject, he obtained from his minister a pass to Heaven and a request to any 
other minister to give him a pass out. He turned on the gas and ascended safely to Heaven 
but could find no minister there to give him his return trip ticket. 









w 



HAT'S Jack going to do when he gets through 
college ? 

He's going into the ice cream business. 
Must be going to marry a college girl, eh? 



The jokes the hired man told us this summer- 



No. 1: 



'HEY thought he was grand 

When he left his high school 
But he did'nt look grand 
When he dipped in our pool. 



No. 2: 



No. 3: 




DELETED 

by the 
CENSOR. 



COX : Do you believe in spring training? 
*J Dad: Sure, if it can be trained to be reason- 
able. 



S 



'AY, clerk I can't sleep in that room you gave 



night 



me The rats have been fighting there all ffljAILING street-cars" may be bad as "The 



What do you want for fifty cents, a bull fight? 



Virginia Reel" pointed out, but we suggest 
that "reigning monarchs" may do more damage. 



The Squib 



APPROPRIATE EXCLAMATIONS 

I ATTENDED a banquet at Draper Hall last 
night. 

Hot puppies! 

Coming home, I saw a couple men in my orchard. 

Raspberries! 
I was awakened in the night by a pounding on 
the roof. 

Great Caesar's Ghost! 
In the morning only a volume of the "Pickwick 
Papers" was missing. 

The dickens! 




A PERFECT SCORE 



OROF: Why are families smaller in the city 
than in the country? 
Sunderland Sim: They don't have to weed 
onions in the city. 



S 



AN ODE TO EVE 

1T7HEN Eve a lovely maid was young, 
While yet in dizzy Smith she swung, 
The fussers oft to hear her voice 
Rushed her all from, choice; 
Exulting, trembling, raging, fainting, 
Enchanted by her art of painting, 
By turns they met her glowing mind. 
She praised, disturbed, delighted and refined. 
Still deep at heart the maid was most severe, 
She burst their bleeding hearts with ne'er a tear 
And one by one those fussers fled away 
To seek out other Eves to pet and play. 



THESE modern girls can't do half the things 
that girls of twenty years ago used to do. 
That's right. They can't wear rats with bobbed 
hair. 



A MOONSHINE STORY 

JOE: We're going to have rain for two weeks. 
Jim: How do you know? 
Joe: The paper says that this is to be a wet 
moon . 

Jim: 1 never heard of a wet moon. Do vou 
mean a full moon ? 



ASSISTING NATURE 

Abie : Fadder, dere's a lady out in front wants 
a ripe melon. Dose in der vindow iss all 
green vims. 

Fadder: Oy. Oy. Abie. Vot a head you got. 
Bring a green vim back here und tap der end mit 
a hammer. Dot will make it feel ripe. 



OUR idea of discretion is well expressed by the 
Jew who attended an Irish football game. 
Not knowing what side to root for he remarked to 
the first Celt he met, "Say, I hope our side vins, 
don't you?" 



The Squib 



AT THE MOVIES 



JOHN: That pianist is making a terrible noise. 
** Jack: You know he plays by ear. 
John: He must be deaf. 



INTERNATIONAL TELEPHONE NUMBERS 

C INSTEIN, Oi, Oi, Oi. 

*-* DeValera, McSwiney ate nothing. 
Wilhelm II, Acht, nein. 



MICKEY: Well my priest knows more than 
your rabbi. 
Abie: Veil, he ought to, you tell him every- 
thing, ain't it. 

S 
DUG: Did you know that young people have 
*-* a tendency to be old-lived. 

House: No, but I hear that elderly people 
usually die young. 

S 
l""\0 you think that you and Grace will get 
*^ along together? 

You bet. The doctor won't let me eat cakes, 
and she doesn't know how to make it. 



Y 0U ' y E noticed this 
■* also 

As sure as you're 
born ; 

The bummer the car 
The louder the horn. 
Exchange 



SO old Kale has hired 
two footmen to 
tend his front door? 
I thought that was the 
butler's job? 

It usually is; but old 
Kale figures that foot- 
men are much better 
able to kick out the book 
agents. 

S 

FARMER: I've shown 
ye yer room, an' 
told ye about hours, an' 
board, an' wages. What 
more do ye want ter 
know? 

Hand : Let's jest have 
a look about the cellar. 




R^All): THERE'S 
A»* callers at the 
door, mum. 

Mrs. Justrich: Can't 
you learn to be more 
explicit. Go back at 
once and find whether 
they are Arrow or dog 
collars. 



WHEREUPON 

SHE: "I like your 
cigarette holder." 
He: "Why I never 
use one." 

She: Don't be so 
dense." 

Ex. 



TIL .slum! beside the 
*> * flowing brook 

His senses nearly reel- 
ing, 

And ventured now 
and then a look, 

For the village bell(e)s 
were peeling. 

Exchange 



IMMIE a match 
Freshman ! 



A Little Old Scotch 



Jk^fAXY are cold hut 
m few get up to 
close the window. 




Towne; 



A SURE CURE FOR HOMESICKNESS 
(One Spoon After Supper) 



The Squib 



When I Wuz At The "Aggie Fair." 

ww wuz to the "Aggie Fair," I wuz. I figerred on seein' everything an' I did. I went into that 
M there "Side Show" what has seven shows in one. There wuz a feller on the stage what started 
to say a lot of stuff about alittle fat boy which looked like Zeke what used to went to school 
with me. 

Then there wuz a other feller what the "talkin' feller" (which wuz allers talkin ) sed had a bad habit 
of smokin' a poison weed. I couldn't see no poison weed but there wuz a monstrous pile of burned cigar- 
ettes a layin' on the floor all around bim. 

Then there wuz a feller what had a payer of pyjamas on with an towel around his head like he had 
a headache, and a red shirt on. The "talkin' feller (which wuz allers talkin') sed he wuz a snake charmer 
but I didn't see nothin' charmin' about him. He played the fife rotten and then he puts his hand in a 
basket an' starts to pull out a white halter. I figgered on a snake bein' at the end but there wuz none. 

Then the talkin' "feller" (which wuz allers talkin') axt us to take a step over an' see a other freek. 
I guess he don't know what a step is. "This guy," he sez, "is an cap-tin which has travelled a lot. Along- 
side this here cap-tin were a toy hose like what kids has to play with. The "talkin' feller (which wuz 
allers talkin') sez that it were a in-barmed hoss of a ancient king what is dead now. I don't think he 
wuz tellin' the truth, cause I could see plain as daythat it weren't a in-barmed hoss but a play hoss what 
kids play with. I guess I wuz the only smart feller in the crowd cause everybody else believed what 
the "talkin' feller' (which wuz allers talking') sed. 

After that im-positition (I'm proud of that word) we goes on to the next which wuz a "All-be^n-o-" 
At least so the "talkin' feller" (which wuz allers talkin') sed. That wuz a other im-positition because 
as fur as I could see (an' I'm fair abserverin') he didn't have no more head then us an' likewise he weren't 
all head either. An' then the "talkin' feller" (which wuz allers talkin') sez he (the "All-bean-o, not him) 
had 'pink' eyes! I seen he had brown ones! But the other people (what ain't as smart as me) believed 
it. Again I declarate-it are a im-positition ! (That's the way politikers sez it.) 

The next freek which wuz (two) were the only real ones there. They wuz two bruthers what were 
ackerbats. One of them sez he's goin' to do a triple summer salt. (It wuz Fall then too). He done it, 
too, cause I heard him land three times. Then both of them brung out. a very heavy bar with a heavy 
i-ron ball on each end. He sed it wayed two tons. Then the littlest feller grabs a holt on it an' lifts 
it clean over his head. It weren't very perlite of the big feller to let his bruther do all that work. 

After that it wuz all over and the "talkin' feller" (which wuz allers talkin') shut up. It were a 
nice show. 



The Squib 




'HERE once was a student named Dublick 

Who boasted he never got homesick. 
But he ran short of cash 
And signed on at hash. 
Right now he's undoubtedly home-sick. 



"Vf OUR tire is flat, mum. 

* O, I know, but I guess I can get home on it 
all right. It's flat on only one side. 



ADY (in Jap curio shop, when incense is 
" burning): Mm, I smell punk. 

Clerk (consolingly) : Stand right here in the 
corner, Madam, and nobody '11 notice it. 



P 



ROF: When you get to North Adams which 

which way do the rivers run ? 
Brilliant Frosh: Down Hill. 



' I 'HE grasshoppers on the campus even have 
* the Aggie spirit. Their policy is, "Why 
walk when hopping is cheap." 



M 



OST animals smell better than man. The 
polecat is an exception, and smells worse. 

Zoo Notes 



TO A LOUSE 

EE sleek it, cowrin' tim'rous coot, 
Your raisin' H . .within my boot, 
Thou need na rip and chew so fast, 
For this braw meal is sure to last. 



w 



A ND so Jane is married ? Why she only knew 
*■• the man a week. 

Yes. They say she made a big hit with him the 
first time they met. 

A hit. She must have made a home run. 



I'm truly sorry human flesh, 

Is so delicious, eaten fresh. 

But then poor beastie, thou must eat, 

E'en tho thy meal consume my feet. 



AROUND THE FARM 

' I 'HE one thing about the Amherst game that 
* puzzles us, is how Amherst flew so with 
only one Wing. 

We always thought cotton was soft until we 
scrimmaged against him. 

Tufts may have Jimmy LeCain but we think 
Jimmy LeCrutch will be more in demand. 

Freddy Cooke was sober one night recently. 

Rats are still thick in North College. 

What is a king worth now? Rulers may be 
purchased for 10 cents. 



But lousie, thou art not alone, 
In tearing flesh from human bone. 
For starving brothers, not a few, 
Are running wild throughout my shoe. 



So thou art blessed compared with me, 
The present only toucheth thee, 
While I 'am touched from stem to stern, 
To satisfy thy hunger's yearn. 



The Squib 



The Heritage 



£\ DWELL in town, for me no more 

^M Stretch wools and fields the house before. 

Am^ Across the street, to side and rear, 
The homes of other men press near. 

Yet, come cold winds and colder rain 

And snow and shortened days again, 

To rural thoughts my mind goes back; 

I want a Farmers' Almanac, 

With longing strange, compelling, mystic, 

And doubtless partly atavistic. 

Old Bay State sires urge, "Take it from us, 

The one you want is good old Thomas." 

New Hampshire answers, "We'll not hev it, 

Now look here, son, you get a Leavitt." 

And thus distracted, nothing loath, 

I compromise and buy them both. 

Then first I scan above each date 

Quaint pictures, old, appropriate; 

In Thomas see Sol's classic track, 

The twelve signs of the zodiac; 

While Leavitt limns field work and chores, 

The loaded wain, the lusty mowers. 

I shun the cold months next the cover 

And other chill days further over. 

But linger most where summer's charm 
Lies light and sweet on wood and farm. 
I heed no more the winter storm 
My days of June are "fair and warm." 
I hear the drip of summer showers, 
I feel the heat of noonday hours; 
In rest and labor, rain and shine, 
My fathers' life once more is mine. 

NeAv Hampshire trusts to Leavitt's promise 

While Massachusetts cleaves to Thomas 

And so their son, a hybrid growth, 

Is well content to swear by both, 

No strain upon the double tether, 

Since both sing sun and growing weather. 

Contributed to the Squib by 

Robert Morrill Adams, 

Cornell University 



EXCHANGE 



;*?.'* 



f 



('U: 



Tf id 



K 



■ ■■hi 



W/& 



£GA1 



THE END OF THE RACE 

They sat alone in the moonlight, 
And she soothed his troubled brow. 

"Dearest I know mv life's been fast, 
But I'm on my last lap now." 

Princeton Tiger 

— S— 

Helen : "There is only one thing the matter with 
you, George." 

George : "Why, I always thought I was all right." 
Helen: "That's it." 

Lemon Punch 

— S— 

Young Lady (who has just been operated on 
for appendicitis): "Oh, Doctor, do you think the 
scar will show?" 

Doctor: "It ought not to." 

Lafayette Lyre 

— S— 
ALL FOR NOTHING 

"I'm off that bird Jones for life." 
"How so?" 

"Why the other day he asked me to come into 
his cellar to see his new furnace." 
"Yes?" 
"He had a new furnace!" 

Lehigh Burr 
— S— 

First Italian: "Oh looka data bird on da rub- 
ber plant!" 

Second Ditto: "Sure; he gutta percha." 

Lampoon 

— S— 
He: "1 saw you get on the street car the other 
day." 

She: "Oh, you mean thing." 

Oct u pus 
— S— 
Diner: "How's the chicken today?" 
Waitress : "Fine, kid ; how are you ?" 

Virginia Reel 



W%VM 



Quite Frosh: "Did you ever eat waffles down 
at the cafe?" 

Very Frosh: "Yep. They're just like a door- 
mat, only they haven't got Welcome on 'em." 

Octupus 
— S— . 

"They say whiskey shortens a man's life?" 
"Yes, but he sees twice as much in the same 



length of time." 



Siren 



"I think modern dress reveals the vanity of the 
human heart." 

"Oh? Have you really seen anything so de- 
collete as that?" 

Virginia Reel 
— S— 
"Did either your wife or her car get injured in 
the accident yesterday?" 

"Not very much. Just a little paint chipped off 
both." 

Lampoon 

What good does it do us for the fashion editors 
to tell us the two-piece skirt, is coming in, without 
mentioning how large the pieces are going to be? 

Tattler 

g 

IMPOSSIBLE 

Nightwatchman: "Who goes there?" 
Professor: "A professor with two friends." 
Nightwatchman: "What, a professor with two 
friends, Enter. 

Octupus 
— S— 
NO TICKET NECESSARY 
Boss: "Don't you know that this is a private 
office? How much did you pay the office boy to 
let you in?" 

Job Wanter: "I got in free of charge, sir. It 
says 'No Admission' on the door." 

Cornell Widoiv 



Sailor to sea sick passenger: Go as far as you 
like, but remember, "Don't give up the ship." 

Purple Cow. 



"Who's the baby vampire over there?" 
"She's only a school teacher who wants to live 
it down." 

Purple Cow. 



Lady: "Is this a camel's hair brush?" 
Clerk: "Aw, git on. Camels don't brush their 
hair." 

Purple Cow. 



He: "I spent a lot of money at Kelley pool 
this winter." 

She: "Did you like it as well as Hot Springs?" 

Purple Cow. 



'Why do you compare Mabel's head to a knob?" 
'Because it's so easy to turn." 

Purple Cow. 



"Good-morning, have you used Pear's soap?" 
"No, I'm not rooming with him this year." 

Purple Cow. 



"How do you stand on the liquor question?" 
"As near as possible." 

Purple Coid. 



"Don't get a hair-cut there." 

"Why?" 

"They treat you barberously." 



Purple Coiv. 



"Artie is taking Maude to church." 
"Ah, devotional services?" 

Purple Cow. 



'25: 
'25: 



"Where do you hang out?" 
"Do I look like a laundry? 



Purple Cow. 



Advice to 
Freshmen 




Be respectful to Upper Classmen — 

Remember, Freshmen should be seen 
and not heard — 

And, buy your clothes, hats, and 
haberdashery of Wallach Brcs. 



SPECIAL 



4-PIECE 

GOLF SUITS 

$ 50 

Coat, Vest, Knickers 

and Regular Trousers. 

Handsome Tweeds, Her- 
ringbones, and Home- 
spuns, beautifully tailored 
by Hart, Schaffner& Marx 



Our Stores 
are Your Stores 

Thousands of young men 
in and out of college have 
made the Wallach stores 
what they are today. 

Everything in our stores, 
everything about our stores, is 
as it is, because you college men 
have evinced a preference for 
this or that, or because you have 
indicated that you like certain 
things done thus and so. 

The styles you like, the qual- 
ity you like, at prices you like — 
thanks to our policy of taking 
a slender profit on a great many 
sales instead of a big one on a few. 

"Satisfaction or Money Back" 



Qeneral Offices 

Broadway, ccr 2,th Street 

NewYork 



■O/ 



HART SCHAFFNER & MAKZ; 

"Four New Yo:k Stores 1 ' 






/ - > 






__ 



Printing - Ruling - Binding 



"The Kind Worth While" 



EXCELSIOR PRINTING CO. 

Phone 59 North Adams, Mass. 



It's no Joke to buy your clothes at 
the wrong place. Play it safe and buy 
where you get the benefit of thirty-five 
years of selling to College Men. 



Hart, Schaffner & Marx Clothes 

Interwoven Sox 

Mallory Hats 

Parker, Arrow and Tyson shirts 

In fact everything that is best. 



Ton): "How long have yon been wearing eye- 
glasses, big shorty?*' 

Jerry: "Why, I don't wear glasses." 

Tom: "Where'd yon get that rib on your nose 
then?" 

Jerry: "Oh, that comes from drinking out of 
Mason Jars!" 

Virginia Reel 



F. M. Thompson & Son. 



The Draper Hotel 

Northampton, Mass. 

THE HOTEL OF BANQUETS 

We Cater to Football, Baseball & Basket- 
Bali Teams 
Also to — 
Class Banquets, of which we have made 

such a Great Success — Come Again. 
WM. M. KIMBALL, PROP. 



Open or Closed Packards 
For Hire 

City Taxicab Co 

The Company That Carries 

Your Athletic Teams 

Tel. 96-W 



Draper Bldg. 



Northampton 



ED. SARAZIN, Prop. 



Hardware 



ELECTRIC LAMPS 



SKIS 



SNOW SHOES 



ant 



SPORTING GOODS 



The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 



AMHERST 



QUALITY 

is shown by the linen. Are you one of 
the best? Your shirt and collar will 
show it. 



Give us a trial. 
It pays in the end. 



Amherst Laundry 

Tel. 3-W 

Head Agent 
Alexander Sandow, 1923 



You will find a first class Restaurant 



at 



BOYDEN'S 



M. A.C. Students 
always welcome 



96 Main St. 



Northampton 




RROW Soft COLLARS 

Cluett.Peabody GrCo.lnc.JlfAKEzis, Tray;N.Y 



(1^( 




wzmz7///////M 



KODAKS VICTOR RECORDS 


RAMin PI TPQ 


LEARN IT RIGHT 

Play the "Popular" Music with all the 
"Jazz" effects 

EASY AND CERTAIN 


DEUEL'S DRUG 
STORE 


Vega Banjos 
"Gibson" Mandolins 


DUNHILL, BBB, 
WATERMAN TREBOR AND 
FOUNTAIN PENS KAGWOODIE 

PIPES 


The Cooke Studio 

Sherwin Block Main Street 
NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

Over 5 and 10 cent Store 


THE EVERLASTING BONFIRE 

A colored citizen of Oakland was recently 
asked by another colored gent if he knew how hot 
hell was. "Does I?" was the reply. "Ah suah 
do, suh. Des' take all de wood in Maine, all 
de coal in Pennsyltucky an' all de oil in Cal'forny 
an' set 'em afiah. Den take a man out'n hell 
an' th'ow him in de middle ob de mess, an' 
dat man would freeze to deff. Dat's how hot 
hell am." 

San Francisco Chronicle. 


TAKE YOUK CHOICE 

Clarence(to the waiter as he entered): "Let 
me know when it is eleven-thirty." 

Lucy (sweetly) : "The time or the check?" 

Sun Dial. 


Frat: We have a new dish-washer at the 
house. 

Frater: How so? 

Frat: I noticed the difference in the finger 
prints on my plate. 

Froth. 


1 The 

James McKinnon Co. 

Plates for College Annuals 

Class Books and all illustrative purposes 

Quality first. Prices Right. 

257 Main St. Springfield, Mass. 


She: "Don't you just love nights like these?" 
He: "No, sometimes I study." 

Wisconsin Octopus. 


He: "I'm the best dancer in the country." 
She (sweetly) : "Yes — in the country." 

Siren. 

i 



Amherst Book Store 



Fountain Pens and Banners 



A large assortment of all kinds of Fiction 



Step in and let me show you the new 
Lefax Note Book 



C. F. DYER 



THE VANISHING POINT 

Ethel: Is she economical? 

Gladys: I should say she was. You ought 
to see the evening dress she made out of her last 
summer's bathing suit. 



Certain politicians could put Machiavelli in 
a kindergarten class and charge him for lessons. 



"Look here, doctor, isn't that a pretty stiff 
sum to charge me for that operation?" 

"My dear sir, consider how much of it I have 
to turn over to the government." 



"How long has Bilter been married?" 
"Individually or collectively?" 



The Draper Hotel 

Northampton, Mass. 

THE HOTEL OF BANQUETS 

We Cater to Football, Baseball & Basket- 
Ball Teams 
Also to — 
Class Banquets, of which we have made 

such a Great Success — Come Again. 
WM. M. KIMBALL, PROP. 



First Egg: Let's speak to those girls in the 
corner. 

Second Egg: 'Sno use; they are telephone 
girls. 

First Egg: What of it? 

Second Egg: They won't answer. 

Panther. 



HOLD HIM 

Jasper: Well my girl finally showed up. 
Jester: Showed up to where? 

Scalper. 



Barr: "I owe a great deal to that woman 
on the corner." 

Rale: "Sort of guiding spirit, eh." 
Barr: "Naw, she's my landlady." 

Sun Dial. 



E. F. CARLSON CO, 



CONTRACTORS 



ALUMNI MEMORIAL BUILDING 
GIRLS' DORMITORY BUILDING 
CAVALRY HORSE BARN 



244 Main St. 



SPRINGFIELD, MASS. 



AS SHE AM SPOKE 

"Liza, I hears 'at yoh daughtah's church 
weddin' was some sho' miff skrumpshus function." 

"I'll say 'twas. 'At 'ere gal ob mine flang 
a wicked nuptial, ef I does say it myself." 

Nashville Tennessean. 



SOME BRAND 

"How do you like that cigar I gave you, old 
man? For two hundred bands off that brand 
they give you a gramaphone." 

"You don't say! If I smoked two hundred of 
chose cigars I wouldn't want a gramaphone; 
I'd want a harp." 

Boston Post. 



Farmer Burns (to hired man) : Come, get up. 
It's half past four. Don't you know the early 
bird gets the worm? 

Hired Man: Why get up? You must have 
the worm by now. 

Royal Gaboon. 



mitcheil Beikin 



PHOTOGRAPHERS 



241 Main St. 
Phone 1753 



Studios 
Northampton, Mass. 
Springfield, Mass. 



Special Rates 
to Students 



Experts in 
developing and 
printing 
your films 



Films developed 

FREE 

to students 



BACKFIRE 

A current yarn about a liquor-loving Irish- 
man has a smile in it. "Father," said he, on 
meeting the parish priest one day, "phwat is 
lumbago?" Seeing an opportunity for needed 
reproof, the good father replied: 'Tis a ter- 
rible disease which comes from drinking up booze 
and chasing around nights." 

"Is that so?" said Fat. "It says in the paper 
that the pope has lumbago." 

Chicago Journal of Commerce. 



LET THE 



Sing Lee Laundry 



DO YOUR WOFK 



All Work Guaranteed 



Roberta: What do you mean by kissing me? 
Robert : I just couldn't help myself. 
Roberta: But you just did. 

Virginia Reel. 



"Do you smoke Home Run cigarettes?" 
"No, indeed, I smoke one-baggers." 
"Never heard of them. What are they?" 
"Why, Bull Durham, of course." 

Widow. 



"Have you ever been married?" asked the judge. 

"Ye-es," stammered the prisoner. 

"To whom?" 

"A woman, sir," answered the guilty one. 

"Of course it was a woman," snapped the judge. 
"Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" 
"Yesire," the prisoner said brightening, "my 

sister did." 

Gargoyle. 



FOREWORD 



— "His best companions, innocence and health; 
"And his best riches, ignorance of wealth." 

It's well for poets thus to sing, 

And give the poor high praise 
For sturdy virtues, and then to fling 

Sharp taunts at pompous ways ! 

But had we paupers here good health — 

And where are men more poor — 
Could we be ignorant of wealth 

And never feel its lure? 

Alas our health is being spent 

In masticating books; 
And if by chance we're innocent, 

You'd never guess by looks! 



Oh no, we do not mean to whine — 

It only makes us choke 
And shed a tear near this fair shrine 

They make of being broke." 




„aaaauoi 

d6anoaaaoi 

if y oPQDaoaoc 

^DDQDDDDr 
^□DOD[ 

□ Daaaij 
inaaot 




QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



Literary Editor 

B. F. Jackson, '22 

Art Editor 

C. A. Towne, '23 

Exchange Editor 
G. E. White, '22 



Editor-in-Chief 
C. R. Vinten, '22 

Managing Editor 
T. T. Abele, '23 

Business Manager 
H. E. Weatherwax, '24 



Advertising Manager 
R. P. Smith, '22 

Circulation Manager 
E. F. Lamb, '24 

Asst. Advertising Mgr. 
C. E. Bowes. '24 



* 



Literary Department 
C. A. Buck, '22 
W. E. Chapin, '22 
K. C.jRandall, '22 
J. L. Walsh, '22 
H. E. Wentsch, '22 
E.^W. Burke, '23 
F. Brunner, '24 



Art Department 
R. M. Acheson, '22 
J. Kroeck, '22 
R. Noyes, '24 

Business Department 
H. H. Davis, '24 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
in the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed 
to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 

Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



I 



KICKED a skunk as he went by. 
The skunk was incensed — so was I. 

Great Lakes Bulletin. 



N old pipe is one thing that is always strong 
for its owner. 

Juggler. 



The Squib 



A PAUPER'S PLAINT. 

THE cold, bleak, winter now draws nigh, 
And hovering blizzards cloud the sky. 
What once pertained to me of cash, 
Has long since parted, (sunk in hash) 
Where once shone polished oxford? fair, 
The socks shine through, for holes are there. 
Where once a snappy moustache trim, 
Naught now remains but bristles grim. 
What once I proudly called a "pod," 
Could not survive when fed on cod. 
But that's not all, for sad to say, 
The barn's now locked — I can't eat hay. 





SHE: "How do you like my new dress? 
He: Well — if lack of clothes denoted pov- 
erty, you'd be a logical candidate for the poor- 
house! 



S 



B 



LG BEN: "The farmers of onion valley 
give their children three years' vacation." 
Ingo: "Three years?" 
Big Ben: "Yes, the first three." 



WORSE YET 



ISN'T Peggy rather cold?" 
"Cold! Why three suitors have already 
died of pneumonia." 



NO. 1 : I know a fellow who flirted with a 
girl and was given thirty days by the 
judge. 

No. 2: Huh, that's nothing. I know a guy 
who flirted with a girl and was given a life sentence 
by the Justice of the Peace. 



S 



a 



flOW do you like the looks of that girl?" 



"I don't know. She hasn't given me any 



yet.' 



DEAD BROKE. 

I SENT a letter through the mail,- 
I pleaded with my dad for kale. 
His answer gave me quite a stroke. 
Alas for I am still DEAD BROKE. 



FOND Mother: "See here, Arthur, Frank 
writes that he is in Dutch with all his 
professors. How he must enjoy seeing the 
dikes and windmills and all!" 



I asked my sister for some "Jack". 
The next mail brought a letter back. 
Its contents maddened me with pain 
For all it said was "no" again. 



The Squib 



A COPPER once copped 
**■ A copper skinned girl 
For copping another girl's copper. 
But the Injin was keen 
And the copper was green. 
Now 'twill take two more coppers to stop her. 



)ROF: "I hear there is a case of flu on the 

campus." 
Stude: "Yes, Jones." 
Prof: "Just one case?" 
Stude: "One case and four quarts." 



o 



NE Criticism. We Haven't Heard, 
to do before breakfast time. 



FIRST Kilty: "I fought with the 'Ladies 
of Hell', did you?" 
Nothing Second Ditto: "No, but I've fought with 
some hellish nice ladies." 



PA! How many 
ends are there 
on a stick of candy? 
Why only two, 
my son. 

Gee whiz, that's 
funny. I just bit 
off four ends and 
have two left. 





IS. ' 


fv 


\) 








- vwLL 


^^3 &ALI- ~ 













BROAD: I didn't know you worked in a 
laundry. 
Way: I don't, what made you think so? 
Broad: Why Mabel said that you were a 
bear at pressing girls waists. 



M 



'ARY had a little 
hare. 

"Too little hare," 
quoth she. 

She put a rat in with 

the hare 
To make a menagerie. 



HAVE you heard about the wreck, stranger? 
No, what wreck? 
The Santa Fe Limited was wrecked by a stone 
placed on the tracks by Hairbreadth Henry. 
You don't say ! 

Yes. It's all told about in this new book just 
off the press, only $1.99. 



D 



ID you see how a man was sent to an asylum 
for kissing His wife in public?" 
"Impossible." 
"No. You see his wife wr.sn't there." 



THE only belles in this town are the ones 
that swing in the belfry. 



/ ^"7 1 > 



f 



Sectorials 



( 'HERE are many queer animals on the face of the earth, but the most peculiar, most idiotic 
M and most eccentric of them all is the human animal, Homo sapiens, so-called. For pure 
^fp down-right foolishness he can't be beat,- -no, not by Squibby itself. 

During the war it grunted and squealed and hunched up its back when milk producers 
sought a fair price for their product, but ran all over itself to pay the jewelry profiteers 
whatever they asked. It paid "luxury" taxes on shaving cream, tooth-paste, and medicines without 
a murmur, but raised an awful catousal over similar taxes on ice-cream sodas and sporting equipment. 
This year there is an import tax on almost everything imaginable except dice. A tax on them would 
put any political party out of office. 

The specimens of this animal in captivity at the college are no better than the average. Did 
you ever notice how, altho they have plenty of money for dances, smokes, or drinks (nothing strong of 
course), they are always behind in their board and lodging bills, and as for paying class dues and assess- 
ments, they are all — dead broke. It's a funny world. 



y^^l II firsl issue this year, the Homesick Number, was most properly dedicated to the frosh. 

M M This number we can not do otherwise than dedicate to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. 

^Q^ We only regret thai in addition to the chemistry laboratory, we cannot reproduce on these 

pages the physics building, the mathematics building, and other glories of the institution. 

But let's not crab. In the chemistry lab., have been developed expert chemists since the 

time of Noah, and chemists may develop there for centuries yet to come. 



The following men have signified their intentions to enter the competition for membership on 
the Squib Board: 

Sherman '24 Craig '25 

Cook '25 Ward '25 

Duffy '25 Langenbacher '25 

Salmon '25 Hale '25 

Batal '25 Waite '25 

Wilder '25 Dean '25 

Whittum '25 Knowles '25 

Simmons '25 



The Squib 



THAT POOR YOUNG MAN 

/"|NCE upon a time there was a poor young 
^■^ man who was overburdened with a desire 
to walk out of Stockbridge Hall, lugging under 
his arm a parchment roll ornamented with a 
maroon and white ribbon. He was willing to 
wield a mop or drape a white dinner coat about 
his manly shoulders if he could only linger in 
this vicinity long enough to inveigle the Pro- 
fessors into admitting in longhand that he had 
waded thru calculus and hurried thru physics 
along with any number of other drastic three 
and five credit affairs. 

After convincing the local Shylock that the 
sum total of his worldly wealth consisted of a lead 
nickel and surplus shoestring, he waded forth 
to seek employment in the local emporium where 
the plutocrats may be seen any day feasting upon 
genuine English Croberg. Our poor young man 
wore such threadbare golf hosiery that it was 
deemed essential that he don a dinner coat and 
assist in transporting soups and steaks to the 
plutes who regaled themselves in the inner 
sanctum. He was very thankful for this com- 
paratively golden opportunity to bank the lead 
nickel and being a humble youth with mild ways 
and timid eyes he got along fairly well with the 
local management, and also the hard boiled plutes 
who threatened to eat the English cook up if 
he didn't rush the string bean salads out pronto. 

After three years of devoted service in which 
our poor young man burned the midnight oil 
over his dog eared texts and succeeded fairly 
well in his love affairs with the Professors, he 
undertook to render special service at one of 
these inexpensive four dollar informals where 
we occasionally find some poverty stricken youth 
who simply has to spend the accumulated interest 
on his lead nickel before he removes his white 
dinner coat and presents it to the next generation 
of poverty stricken young men. In this par- 
ticular scrumptious orgy our poor young man 
wishing to be quite the real thing squandered ten 
pennies to ask Mabel over at Smythe if she was 
busy that particular festive afternoon and evening. 
Mabel, who was an international informal en- 
thusiast cooed her loving consent over the long 
distance, and our poor young man was hooked up 
to slip out for the first time in his three years of 
Collegiate activity. 

Mabel blew in from Hamp in the usual dilapi- 
dated condition that so disturbs the fair commuter, 
but our poor young man promptly fell for her 
line and Mabel perceiving that he was a simple 
soul fell back upon one of her prep school dis- 



courses with the view of saving the red hot for 
some of the bigger game she might knock down 
at a hundred yards. After arriving, sad as it 
may seem, our poor young man became in- 
fatuated with the blithe Mabel who angled r Jiim 
skillfully and kept her bright orbs fastened on 
the bigger game. After it was all over our 
poverty stricken youth discovered he had spent 
his lead nickel and was obliged to crawl into the 
white dinner coat in order to warrant a break- 
fast. But he was dissatisfied with life, and 
longed to be a plute with a whipped cream appe- 
tite and a harem of Mabels. 

Moral: — If you are a poor young man don't 
spend your lead nickels on international in- 
formal enthusiasts. 

S 

"\X/HY does a woman always throw herself 
* * on to a bed when she begins to cry?" 
"Because she can usually find a comforter there, 

stupid." 



SHE: "Ever see a cigar box?" 
He: "No, but I've seen 'em make some 
good knockouts." 

S 

A GENT: Madam could I sell you any bath 
*■• tubs today? 

Lady of the house: (indignantly) No thank 
you. I have no need for a bath tub. 

Agent: Well, good day. I can't associate 
with such dirty people. 

S 
HOW DID HE DO IT? 
V^ES, I've worn this suit on and off for three 
■* years. 

S 

I WONDER. 

FROSH (having secured a job for next day): 
Tomorrow I'm going to roll my pants 
up under my arm and beat it. 

S 
FOUR REASONS AGAINST SMOKING. 

SMOKING dries up the scalp, causing prema- 
ture baldness. 
Strong fumes eat into the palate making it 
impossible to fully appreciate delicately flavored 
foods. 

The method by which nicotine kills the bugs 
in your mouth may lead to trouble with the 
S. P. C. A. 

The use of a pipe wears out the front teeth. 



The Squib 



THE SINFUL STUDENT 



OR 



The Price He Paid 



J'ROSH: "The Barber is a privileged charac- 
ter on this campus." 
Soph: "How come?" 
Frosh: "He takes cuts whenever he pleases." 



THERE was once a student. As usual, 
he was exceedingly broke. After passing 
several long and weary minutes in a vain en- 
deavor to figure a few of his lost shekels back 
to the fold, he threw up the job in disgust and 
went in search of his roommate. To the latter 
he spoke thus: "Dear old thing, I'm utterly 
destitute. Absolutely down and out, in fact. 
Could you tide me over until the Parent sees 
fit to cut another lemon-er melon, I should say?" 

Came the answer: "Sorry, my boy; I'd like 
nothing better than to help you out. But-uh- 
see here, old chap, I hate to see you going to 
the dogs like this. Take the word of a Man Who 
Knows, it doesn't pay at all-notatall." Which 
was food for thought, but not for the pocket. 

With slightly dampened spirits the Student 
sought the Affluent One, well known throughout 
the valley as a Free Spender and a Merry Soul. 
With renewed energy our hero spoke: "Has it 
ever occured to you," he began persuasively, 
"that there is nothing more humane than the 
generous support of a worthy cause? Now — " 

Here the Affluent One interrupted him crisply. 
"I don't know what you represent, but your 
reputation is against you. Good day:" whkh 
was clear but distressing. 

In utter despair the Student tracked the Easy 
Mark to his lair. With no preliminaries he burst 
forth: "I am famished. I have had nothing 
to eat for three hours. For God's sake, take 
pity on me, and lend me the price of a glass of 
Bevo!" 

"Ah me," sighed the Easy Mark compassionate- 
ly, "would that I could." But as ye rip, so shall 
ye sew. I fear that even my sympathy for the 
destitute will not allow my conscience to thwart 
Justice." At which the Student passed out 
completely. 

Upon coming to, he took a long drink of fresh 
air, and set himself to solve this inexplicable 
dilemma. Of a sudden a great light burst upon 
his soul. "Why, oh why did I ever tell the gang 
that I met a Keen Woman in Hamp the other 
night!" 



S 



IT occurred during the war when questionaires 
were being made out. 
"What branch of the service do you prefer, 
infantry, artillery, cavalry, navy, ordinance, 



or 



'That's it. I'd like to be in the audience.' 




FAMOUS EXPRESSION 



"Bringing Up Father. 



The Squib 




THE TIES THAT BIND 

l^IND LADY: Calm yourself my good man, 
**• surely you must have some ties of affection 
in this world. 

Tramp : I know no ties but dose what railroads 
are built on. 



UTILIZING MOTHER 

QHE sat by her mother in church 

While the chimes were softly pealing. 
She was so fair, a feeling strange 
Across my heart came stealing. 
I softly whispered in her ear, 
"I'll never love another." 
She turned about and silently 
Referred me to her mother. 



I stood by her mother in church 
While the chimes were softly pealing. 
And I kept standing there alone 
When all the rest were kneeling. 
The parson asked me soothingly 
"Have you the ring, my brother?" 
I searched in vain and finally 
Referred him to her mother. 



ABIE Beaumont has made an interesting 
discovery. Whitish hair is caused by a 
lack of iron in the soil. Running a hot iron 
over the head is found to turn the hair dark 
immediately. 



CIENTISTS are now working on the magnetic 
' force between a fur coat and the opposite 



We sat by her mother in church 
While the chimes were softly pealing. 
I only had two cents in change, 
So gazed up at the ceiling. 
The deacon passed the shining plate. 
I thought that I should smother. 
But just the same I cheerfully 
Referred him to her mother. 



sex. 



IT'S sure a dandy!" 
"Dandy what?" 
'Dandelion." 



■OULD you say that the odor of the pole 
cat was distinctive? 



The Squib 




— The Squib 

A Page Purposely Planned For Poor Plebians 

T\EDICATED by the author to that miserable opening in his trousers' pocket, that 
*^ "Through its ragged lips let trickle 

One at a time, his only nickle." 

* * * * 

To introduce myself, I am one of the millions who were, "Born to blush at jokes obscene, and 
waste the fragrance of their pipes on the unappreciative ozone," as I believe Daniel Webster murmured 
at the Rubicon. I was released from the Herrick School at the tender age of 16 for appearing on the 
streets of Amherst with overshoes buckled, and immediately picked up by the Northampton Insane 
Asylum as a pupil of promise. 

I am first a poet, having written "Why Flappers Flap." Perhaps you don't know it, but it 
was that poem that contained the unpuncturable lines, 

Pet me kid, and have no fear, 
I promise not to bite. 
But speed 'er up, the lights go out 
At one A. M., each night. 

It was that same splurge that consummated the reconciliation between two estranged colleges in the 
Onion Valley, and the final result was that I was found senseless (which, however, is my natural con- 
dition) on the very brink of Paradise, gagged with a golf stocking and covered with hat pin wounds. 

After that I was a sculptor. I am the man who created that masterpiece, "The Family Wash," 
which depicts Venus scrubbing a 2" by 3" handkerchief on the bank of the Fleuve de LucTcyfish. That 
made a great hit with Madame Snappee, French modiste, who designed a new evening gown from the 
idea (plus the handkerchief) . Between you and me, though, all I got out of it was $1.35 from the Hole- 
proof Hosiery people, who stuck a pair of $1.35 hose onto the helpless goddess and used her as an 
advertisement. 

Now, I am a philosopher. Just as much money and less work. I am looking for material for a 
Philosophe on "Why Poor People Have Little Money." 

Up to the present time it ha s occurred to me that there is a "vas differens," as the gut course 
college guys say, between two kinds of workers. It's like this: 

And who is this who proudly glides 

Along the Aggie gravel, 
Like Morgan's sons or Stokes' brides 

Alone, we thought, could travel? 

Of course he is a millionaire. 
His style doth us appall, 
As with a grand and lordly air, 
He stops near Stockbridge Hall! 

Alas, my son, if you must know, 

Who is this mortal great, 
Who to his daily task doth go 
In auto hitting eight, 

It is 

The Janitor! 

And who is this who sadly jumps 

Along the Aggie bike, 
His frame shook by the fearful bumps, 

On an '87 bike? 



The Squib 



Of course, he is a laborer, 

And yet it must be tough 
To have to come so very fur 

On a vehicle so rough. 

Alas, my son, if you must know, 

Who is this poor uncouth, 
Who humbly to his work doth go. 
Why then, I'll speak the truth, 
It is— 

The prof! 

That fact rather took my breath away, as Prof. Hart remarked about the passing of prohibition 
laws in Massachusetts. 

Speaking of poor people, did you ever hear the one about the guy who — oh, gosh, I can't tell 
that one — I keep forgetting that co-eds read this paper. 
Nevertheless, 

There was a man in our town 

And he was wonderous poor. 
He'd do the most menial jobs 

Like cleaning out a sewer, 
Or raking off a lawn. 

But when the poor man up and dies- — 
DAWG— -gone 

His sons they went to college 

His daughters married well. 
And how we'd ever done it, 

Only God and him could tell. 

There was a man in our town 

And he was wonderous rich.. 
And when his Packard came along, 

We'd all take to the ditch 
He gadded almost every night 
From dark until the dawn, 
But when the rich man up and died, 
DAWG gone 

His sons they had to sell the car, 

His daughters worked like — , 
And how he'd ever done it, 

Only God and him could tell. 

But, after all, as Dean Burns told me over the demitassys one night, "Life is a waterfall." And 
then he exploded, "Poor as you are, you are better off than old Croesus, who, rich though he might 
have been, never had a ten cent piece to his name! 



The Squib 




Tf D : "That girl has' a wonderful line." 
Ned: "I'd say it in the plural." 



CALL THE UNDERTAKER! 



DO you know, to my mind there is nothing 
more wonderful than a tree." 

"Yes?" 

"It leaves every Spring, and yet never goes 



away. 



SUGGESTED opening sentence for a short 
story. 

"I own a beautiful sorrel horse and thereon 
hangs a tail." 



THE OYSTER 

HPHE oyster is a clammy thing 

He's cool and wet. 
He's a treacherous animal, 

You bet. 
You can't fool him, 

Not a particle. 
He can't be hooked, 

He's a smooth article. 



HOW'S this?" cried the irate owner to the 
idle gang, "Can't you find anything 
to do when the boss isn't around?" 

"Waal," said one, "I reckon just about as much 
as the boss could do if we weren't around." 



PAT'S boss had been a "mule driver" when 
it came to handling men. Upon the Boss's 
death the company's flag was flown at half mast. 

"What's that flag in the middle of the pole for?" 
asked Mike of his friend Pat. 

"Faith," said he, "they'll haul it up or down 
when they find what direction he's going." 



ONE of the Hash House waiters had a dream 
recently. He dreamed that the all-power- 
ful Head Waiter had died. He saw the said all- 
powerful Head Waiter lying in his coffin, with 
the undertaker near by. Presently the all- 
powerful Head waiter sat up, looked around, and 
said to the undertaker: 

"How many pall bearers have you?" 

"Six," answered the undertaker. 

"Well, watch thai little one," said the all- 
powerful Head Waiter," and if you see him drop- 
ping any flowers lay him off." 



■HOLLY: But you know, old top, my fore- 
fathers came over in the Mayflower. 

Uncle Si: Four fathers? By gum, I'd be 
satisfied to blow about one father. 



MILTON wrote "Paradise Lost" after he got 
married. Who wouldn't?" 



The Squib 



The Tribulations of Theresa 

(A Tale of Married Life.) 

Chap. XXXVIII 

FEAR James is gradually losing his love for me. When he came home tonight and found the 
* fire out and the coalbin empty, he picked up my new fur coat and tossed it into the furnace without 
a word. When I remonstrated with him gently, he pettishly tossed a stove lid at my head, and notic- 
ing later, that the blood was dripping on the new carpet in the parlor, he swore shamelessly. I thought 
at first that the poor boy must be hungry, and so rushed to prepare a lovely supper for him. Evidently 
the trouble lies deeper than thjs, however, for when he found that my delicious soup burned his mouth, 
he merely poured it down Baby's neck without further comment I quietly placed Baby's corpse on 
the bed, drew a sheet over it, and returned to the table. I am utterly at a loss to account for James's 
sudden coldness toward me, but I have a terrible suspicion that it is Lydia Frolix again. 

(To be continued) 




I'M a little wrinkled prune, 
I'll get stewed, and very soon. 
When I do, look out for me, 
For I'm as wild as wild can be. 



BOSS: "I thought you claimed to know some- 
thing about machinery?" 
Bum: "Veil, I ran a lawn mower oncet." 



T^HE poultry department teaches us how to 

* de-bone a chicken. We have a prize for 

the man who can apply the method to a herring. 



IF Be^n and Ann should marry, 
I've often heard it stated 
That he'd be Benny fitted, 
And she'd be Anny mated. 



H 



E: Well, I'm going back to California. 
She: Go ahead, you prune. 



I 



tree and bark." 



OTUDENT to Boarding Mistress:— 

*J "Don't you know cranberries make better 



'VE seen a cat run up a tree an 

"An old one, but I've seen trees holler." applesauce than prunes?" 



EXCHANC1 



f 



in: 



-S0A1 



^,;,V 






"My heart is with the ocean!" cried the poet 
rapturously. 

"You've gone me one better," said this seasick 
friend, as he took a firmer grip on the rail. 

Tiger 

S 

Octy says, "Women are like oysters; they 
have a hard shell and inside of that they are a 
slippery proposition." 

Octopus 

S 

BACK TO THE CENTENNIAL 
Ikey: "Dere's a lot of change about the old 
place, ah vot, Abe?" 

Abe: "Yess, Ikey; I vunder couldn't ve start 
a poker game." 

Virginia Reel. 

S 

Woodal: They say Mable is a parlor Bolshe- 
viki. 

Cohall: Oh! I don't believe she's as red as 
she's painted. 

Virginia Reel 



First Flea: "Been on a vacation?" 
Second Flea: "No, on a tramp." 

Sun Dodger. 





SWEET KISSES 


He: 


"Please give me just one." 


She: 


"I can't." 


He: 


"Why?" 


She: 


"It's Lent." 


He: 


"When will you get it back?" 




Wisconsin Octo'pue 



"You've got me," remarked Jonah as the whale 

swallowed . 

Lord Jeff 



Are you out for anything at college? 
Yeh, out for good. 

Sun Dodger 



THE QUALITY OF MERCY 

Jimmy: "Dearest, I must marry you — " 
Shimmy: "Have you seen father?" 
Jimmy: "Often, Honey, but I love you just 
the same." 

Juggler 



He: "For heaven's sake, girl, look at the rouge 
you have on your lips." 

She: "Oh well, the evening's young yet." 

Punch Bowl 



"May I kiss you?" he whispered. 
She pouted. 

"Oh Tom! Please don't; you muss my hair!" 
Nevertheless Tom kept right on, on the ground 
that if he mussed he must. 

Blair Breeze 



ANYTHING TO OBLIGE 

Old Lady (to newsboy): "You don't chew 
tobacco, do you, little boy?" 

Newsie: "No, mum, but I kin give yer a ciga- 
rette if you want one." 

Flamingo 



A winsome young lass was Miss Hopper, 
And many's the man that would copper; 
She fell from a swing, 
Hung downward, by jing — 
I'd tell you some more, but 'taint proper. 

Banter 



"£ got a new set of dumbbells," said the Gym 
insl ructor, as he welcomed his freshman class. 

Juggler. 



THE ORIGIN OF PROFANITY 



"Couldn't you love me, Eve?" 

"No, I'm afraid I don't care, Adam." 



Goblin. 



Nic: "I always smoke Camels after dinner." 

Vic: "How so?" 

Nic. : "Always so good on a desert, you know." 

Juggler. 



One of our professors remarked: "College- 
bred means a four year loaf." We agree, and 
add, it takes lots of dough and plenty of crust! 

Wasp. 



Old Harry: "How did you puncture that 
tire?" 

Harry, Jr.: "I ran over a milk bottle." 

0. H.: "But couldn't you see it?" 

H. J.: "No, the kid had it under his coat." 

Flamingo. 



0. P. Umm: "Doctor, will you give me some- 
thing for my head?" 

Doctor: "I wouldn't take it for a gift." 

Flamingo. 



Gwladys: "But you will admit I have a pretty 

face?" 

Horace: "Even a barn looks good when it's 

painted." 

Goblin. 




First Soph: "There goes Fat: 
guess he's been dieting some." 
Second Soph: "Diet, nothing! 
Wallach Bros, did that. Their 
clothes look right on anyone. 
'Cause they fit." 



SPECIAL 



4-PIECE 

GOLF SUITS 

$50 00 

Coat, Vest, Knickers 
and Regular Trousers 

Handsome Tweeds, Her- 
ringbones and H o m e - 
spuns, beautifully tailored 
by Hart, Schaffner & 
Marx 



Qeneral Offices 
Broadway, cor. 29th Street 
New York 



Co-operative 
College Stores 

Were Wallach stores stu- 
dent - owned and student- 
operated, with a permanent 
branch at each college, they 
could scarcely hope to equal 
their present efficiency. 

As now constituted, they are 
four great New York Stores, re- 
flecting the preferences in clothes, 
hats and haberdashery of several 
generations of College Men. 

Here indeed is co-operation, 
and expressed not merely in the 
spirit of service and the high 
character of merchandise offered, 
but in a range of prices consider- 
ably lower than you ordinarily 
associate with such fine goods. 

"Satisfaction or Money Back'' 



HART SCHAFFNER & MARX 




"Four New York Stores" 



Printing - Ruling - Binding 



"The Kind Worth While" 



EXCELSIOR PRINTING CO. 



Phone 59 



North Adams, Mass. 



Ask "Dad" he knows 

If "Dad" went to school at M. A. C. 
the chances are good that he knew the 
right place to buy his clothes and patron- 
ized us. Good clothes for college men for 
over thirty years. If you haven't bought 
your sheepskin coat come in and look 
ours over. 

F. M. Thompson & Son 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx Clothes 



PATRONIZE 
OUR ADVERTISERS 



AND MENTION THE SQUIB 



Teacher: What is the occupation of your 
father, Johnny?" 
Johnny: Fireman. 
Teacher: Is he living? 
Johnny: Xo; dead. 

Chaparral. 



Bell Hop : This is no place for a lady to smoke. 
She: Oh, that's all right. I'm a college 

girl. 

Puppet. 



Open or Closed Packards 
For Hire 

City Taxicab Co. 

The Company That Carries 

Your Athletic Teams 

Tel. 96-W 

*&■ 

Draper Bldg. Northampton 
ED. SARAZIN, Prop. 


QUALITY 

is shown by the linen. Are you one of 
the best? Your shirt and collar will 
show it. 


Give us a trial. 
It pays in the end. 


Amherst Laundry 

Tel. 3-W 

Head Agent 
Alexander Sandow, 1 923 


Hardware 


You will find a first class Restaurant 

at 

BOYDEN'S 

M. A.C. Students 
always welcome 

196 Main St. Northampton 


ELECTRIC LAMPS 

SKIS 

SNOW SHOES 

and 
SPORTING GOODS 


The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 
AMHERST 





Not i ce ! 

SQUIBB Y is now a College 
Publication! 

Why not send him to your 
friends? 

He will surely give them a good laugh 
and let them know what kind of a 
place we have here at Aggie. 

Just give him a chance and SQU1BBY 
will prove his worth a dozen times. 



I ■ 1 

Enclosed find $2.00, One Year's Subscription to 
THE SQUIB. 

Name 



Address 

i __J 



LjBRA 



1 




iiinninii'tiiinniirf 'mihuimii' 



M. 



te£23^Xmin\\Hl\muiM{i < yv\iwm 



rs /T\ / t \ / i 



rSTTTwTwT 




Is the only up-to-date place in town. We 
guarantee anything that comes out of our 
kitchen to be of first class quality. 

Give a trial to yourself, and without a doubt, 
you will find our place as we advertise: 

Our slogan is: 
SERVICE 
QUALITY 
QUANTITY 

at reasonable prices. /■} 

/ 

,- . 

Essex Restaurant 

/[■.■''■ 


ARTHUR P. WOOD 

■- ■■ . - .-_-_ — __''--.,. 

JEWELER K 
The Jewel Shop 

197 Main St. r _ Northampton 


Uncle and niece stood watching the young 
people dancing about them. 

"I bet you never saw any dancing like this 
back in the nineties, eh LJnkie?" 
« "Once — but the place was raided." 

The Siren. 


A CLEAN JOKE 

"May I hold your Palm Olive?;' 
"Not on your Life Buoy!" 

—Goblin. 

Teacher: — "What is the Latin race?". 
Pupil: — "Its a race between .a Latin pony 
and the teacher s goat." • 

— Widow. 


E. Sarazin Day or Night 

NORTHAMPTON 

City Taxicab Co. 

DRAPER HOTEL 
TELEPHONE 96-W 

Touring Cars Limousines 


KODAKS V I CTOR RECORDS 

DEUEL'S DRUG 
STORE 

FOUNTAIN PENS DUNHILL PIPES 



Commencement will be incomplete with- 


Paper City Engraving Co. 


out at least one visit to the 


We are the engravers for 


College Candy Kitchen 


THE AGGIE SQUIB 


%rf # 


Our work, speaks for itself 


Special accomodations for Commence- 




ment guests. 




Lunches put up to take out for picnics 


Radcliffe Bldg. 


and other occasions. 


Phone 700 Holyoke, Mass. 




Hart Shaffner & Marx 


A REAL ESSENTIAL 


Clothes 


Frst Co-ed — Have you read Kant? 
Second Ditto:— No, but I've read "Don't" 
for girls. 




— Michigan Daily. 


SHIRTS TIES 


"How'd you get the black eye?" 
"Well, a girl told me she kissed." 
"Yes." 

"Being doubtful I thought I would see if she 
lied." 
"Well?" 
"She did." 


College Outfitter 

COLLARS HATS 


— Octopus. 


F. M. THOMPSON & SON 



The United States Hotel 

BOSTON, MASS 

European Plan $2.50 a day and up- 
wards 

Tilly Haynes James C. Hickey 

Prop. Mgr. 



ACADEMY OF MUSIC 

Northampton 



The Latest Road and 
Photoplay Attractions 



Main Street 



Waitress: — "Will you have pie?" 
Customer: — "Is it compulsory?" 
Waitress:— "Huh?" 
Customer: — "I say, is it compulsory?" 
Waitress: — "Why-ah-we're just out of com- 
pulsory, but we've got some good raspberry." 

— Dreverd. 



Wrecker: — "That girl's just like an ocean liner." 
Necker:— " Why's that?" 

Wrecker: — "Just a little tug will get her started." 

— Purple Cow. 



Dolly:— "Why did Jack break oft" with Dora?" 
Molly: — "Said he couldn't stand a girl who 
smokes Piedmonts." 



-Virginia Reel. 



Floorwalker: — "Looking for something, ma- 
dame?" 

Fat Lady: — "Husband." 

F. W.: — "First aisle to your left — male order 
department 

— Chaparral. 



The Plymouth Inn 



Just off the Campus 



On the Approved Lists 



Tea Room 



European Plan 



NORTHAMPTON 



RUBBING IT IN 

Citizen: — Judge, I'm too sick to do jury 
duty: I've got a bad case of the itch. 

Judge: — Excuse accepted. Clerk, just scratch 
that man out! 

— Widow. 



Bones: — "Don't you think she has a rare 
complexion?" 

Jones: — "Rather well done, I'd call it." 

— Purple Cow. 



"I just came from the doctor's. 

"What did he say?" 

"No." 



— Brown Jus. 



She: — "Don't you think that Myrtle looks 
ugly in that ultra-low-cut dress?" 
He: — "Not as far as I can see." 

— Jester. 



I gave her a box of rouge for Christmas. 
Gee, that was pretty flossy present, wasn't it? 
Yes, but I got it all back when she thanked 
me for it. 

—Milton College Review. 



"I must have some part of you to take with 
me," he cried as he pinched her cheek. 

— The Goblin. 



Chem. Prof: — And the price of nitrates is 
now very high. 

The Goof: — What do we care? We never 
telegraph. 

— Chaparral. 



The Hotel Worthy 

of 
SPRINGFIELD 

The Best Place For 
DINNER PARTIES AND 
BANQUETS 

Corner Main and Worthington 




THE long and inti- 
mate understanding 
of men's needs explains 
the Stetson feeling for 
Style. 

The little extra one 
pays is forgotten quick- 
ly in the pure, unadul- 
terated satisfaction one 
gets in wearing Stetson Quality. 

Style, Quality and Sound Money's Worth 
assured by the Stetson Label in each Hat. 

JOHN B. STETSON COMPANY 
Philadelphia 

STETSON 



E. F. CARLSON CO. 



CONTRACTORS 



ALUMNI MEMORIAL BUILDING 

GIRLS' DORMITORY BUILDING 

CAVALRY HORSE BARN 



244 Main St. 



SPRINGFIELD, MASS. 



Foreword 



The sculptor molds with constant toil 

From rigid blocks of stone; — 
The painter works with freer touch, 

But still his men are prone 
To stand quite stiff-forever fixer; — 

The poet's thoughts are free 
To rise and soar to lofty heights, 

Yet words will, ever be 
Imperfect carriers of thought; — 

But freest of all these 
The dramatist reveals his skill 

With perfect, flowing ease; 
For he it is who shows us life. 

Who makes us laugh or weep 
At pleasure — stirs our hearts 

Or lets out passions sweep 
Almost unfettered. Thus to him 

We dedicate our Squib, 
Yet still reserve the critic's right 

To praise or blame "ad lib." 




Literary Editor 

B. F. Jackson, '22 

Art Editor 

C. A. Towne, '23 



VOx^O" d(3D0ODCiaQ[ 

dciaaoaaaqr 
l ' ^DDDDaDaao/ 

^DODDDDr 
iJODDaDf 
dOOOOC 

DDaaar 

ODOODJ 




DcCooaaaa \b. 

DDQaDDDDk 

oaoDDoaok 

aODDDDD 

DODDODOti 

QODDDQDD 

DDaaaaai 
aaoaDQDtt 

DDaOQDO 

DDDDaaa 
aoaaaao 

c 

c 

ac 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



Editor-in-Chief 
C. R. Vinten, '22 

Managing Editor 
T. T. Abele, '23 



Business Manager 
M. M. Smith, '22 

Asst. Business Manager 
H. E. Weatherwax, '24 



Exchange Editor 
G.fE. White, '22 



Advertising Manager 

R. P. Smith, '22 

Circulation Manager 

E. F. Lamb, '24 



* 



Literary Department 
C. A. Buck, '22 
W. E. Chapin, '22 
K. C. Randall, '22 
J. L. Walsh, '22Jg 
E|W. Burke, '23 
F. Brunner, '24 



Art Department 
R. M. Acheson, '22 
J. Kroeck, '22 
R. Noyes, '24 

Business Department 
H. H. Davis, '24 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
In the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed 
to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



N 



O. 1 : How are the life preservers on this 
vessel? 
No. 2: Best I've ever drunk. 



' I 'ILLIE : Is it unlucky to get married on Friday? 
* Tommy: Sure! Friday is no exception. 



Editorials 



^ 



THE THEATRE 

^X^ is a real pleasure to follow the theatre especially if one has the intellect of the renowned but 
^#modest Squibby, and yet Squibby in spite of his youth m,ay be considered not as an interested 
^j^F critic of modern drama but as one taking a certain poignant and exquisite pleasure in a study of 
the theatre goer. 

The theatre going populace of this modern era has all the changing colors of a chameleon. Dis- 
tinct types may be depicted with amazing ease and accuracy. Let us for the moment imagine that we 
have entered the Player's Theatre at historic Hamp and have settled ourselves for a production of Shakes- 
pere's Hamlet. After removing our wraps we glance about. In a box at the left is a typical group repre- 
senting the frozen forty, an aggregation of undisputed literary repute, in all probability witnessing the 
playing of Hamlet for the 17th time. They are lean, long jawed, individuals with high brows and small 
glittering eyes ensconsed behind "pince nez." They view the superb acting of our friend Hampden with 
stilted reluctance occasionally calling attention in sotto voice to some especially choice bit of character 
subtlety hitherto escaped the dissemination of their austere and calculating glances. 

In the pit we see the giddy college girl hearing Hamlet for the first time. She has attended 
because her literary tastes need the cultivation of a refined drama. She is fortified with a two pound box 
of Page and Shaws, a present from Peter up at Dartmouth, who wears horn spectacles and professes to 
be intellectual. She wants to write Peter a gushing letter voicing dramatic sentiments and proving con- 
clusively her choice taste in heavy drama. Of course she is hopelessly bored and wishes she had thought 
to bring her knitting, but Peter's bon bons are delicious and her wrist watch registers 10:30. 

Further back in the house under the shade of the balcony are a couple of youthful levers, who 
mistook Hamlet for a movie and wandered in with the hope of securing a quiet, dark and deliciously 
intimate spot to hold hands and whisper in dulcet tones true lovers' nonsense. They have been dis- 
appointed in the lighting effect, but are striving to make the best of it. Neither has any conception of 
what is transpiring upon the stage but both are blissfully happy. 

In the balcony, first row, are the group designated as the possible few, who love Shakespere 
because he thrills them thru and thru. In this group are stolid professors with their pale and intellectual 
wives, and round shouldered students, be-spectacled and long haired, hopelessly plain girls, with opera 
glasses and note books. They are an interested group. They sit with fixed faces, staring upon the stage, 
immovable , every nerve centered upon absorption. 

Further up in the balcony are comfortable looking matrons with their pudgy bald headed 
husbands. They have heard somewhere that Shakespere is the best dramatist in the world and 
that Hamlet is a superb tragedy. They are not just sure what it all means but they are trying to appear 
intellectual and create a considerable stir as they rustle their programs and shift about to obtain a com- 
fortable spot on the hard seats. Towards the end of the performance the bald headed husbands doze 
and the matrons study the styles in the boxes, and glance inquisitively about to see who else has attended 
Hamlet. 

AYe might go on endlessly. There is the critic, the true critic, the harsh critic, the advertising- 
critic representing all stages of literary ascendency and degeneration. Critics with white hair and 
profound faces, critics with bald heads and pig like eyes, young men who look like mature college boys 
let loose for a day, and on thru the list. They all pick away and what do they produce? Well, we leave 
that to the reader and if he is an observing soul, perhaps he would like to glance about him the next time 
he runs into town to regale himself with a light evening of Shakesperian tragedy and amuse himself with 
a little character study between the acts. 



The Squib 

Wtyve ttjere ia a mill tljm are alataga a lot of poor rflanwa 




H 



SHE: Don't you think college girls make 
good wives? 
He: They make excellent wives, but it's hard 
to keep a wife in college. 

S 
DIVISION OF LABOR 

PROF: "Who is invested with the authority to 
open the court?" 
No. 1: "The Clerk." 
No. 2: "The Judge." 
No. 3- "The Janitor." 

S 

STUDE: Say, Prof., I can't read this criticism 
you've written on this essay of mine. 

Prof.: Mm. I think it says, "Can't read 

this writing." 

S 
IF a man can work four hours at 25 cents per 
* hour every Saturday afternoon that there 
is not a home game of some sort, how many years 
must he work before he can take a red-headed 
girl from Kalamazoo to the Hop? 

S 

IN DAYS OF OLD 

IN days of old, when knights were bold 
* And b. v. d's. were made of tin, 
A man might get his whistle wet 
At any wayside inn; 
But in these days of prohi craze, 
When cops are getting sneaky, 
The hootch is found beneath the ground, 
To fool the prohibiki. 

Ex. 



EPISTULUM POETICUM 

E hasn't time for athletics. 

He studies too much for class sings. 
He copies his room-mate's mathematics. 
He's busy with other things. 
. . . But you find him three nights at the movies. 

He's two weeks behind at the hash house. 
He's two months behind for his bed. 
He cannot pay his class duties. 
"I've nary a cent," he said. 
. . . But you find him three nights at the movies. 

What a marvellous force in our college! 
What an influence on us through life! 
What distraction from studies and duties! 
What maker of trouble and strife! 
. . . For you find him three nights at the movies. 

But what would we do without movies? 
Or movies do without us? 
We knock 'em, and curse 'em, and hate 'em: — 
But why should I make all this fuss? 
. . . For you find me three nights at the movies. 



'EACHER: "How do you pronounce that 

word?" 

Simpson : "It is pronounced like the 'm' in fish." 
Teacher: "Why, there's no 'm' in fish." 
Simpson : "Sure, — mackerel." 



A freshman was jumping over the seats in the 
(Ent) building pit. 
Prof: "Say, young man, use your head and 
come down the stairs." 



N 



O. 1: Did you have Prof. Peters in Chem? 
No. 2: No, Prof. Peters had me. 



M 



IRIAM: Did you take the picture of the 
young man on the mantel? 
Mildred: Yes. 

Miriam: Friend of yours, I suppose? 
Mildred: Well, he was before I took the Picture. 



®¥vi 



The Squib 

aag it take all kitita nf pwplr to make a wntlb; but tt 
frttatt't Ik rnulfc get along rottljmrt 00m? ktnto. 



CHEER UP WILLY YOU MAY BECOME FAMOUS YET 

Famous Men. Cause of Fame. 

Theodore Roosevelt Western ranch owner. 

Abraham Lincoln Farm laborer. 

Daniel Webster First importer of Portugese pigs. 

Henry^Clay First importer of Hereford cattle and Spanish Red Pigs. 

Nicholas Biddle Importer of first Guernseys in American herdbook. 

Thoma Jefferson First to study improvement of the plow. 

George- Washington Country's most noted breeder of jack-asses. 

— S— — S— 

THINGS WE OFTEN HEAR 

MAN with a stiff collar laughing at a woman's high heels. 
A man who wears wears a sweater indoors speaking of "the tender sex." 
The man who always votes the straight party ticket asking what wcmen know about politics. 
The man whose wife takes in washing, telling how unappreciative of their husbands women 
are becoming. 



ANOTHER POINT SETTLED 

Now my lad said the police officer, investi- 
gating a theft in an office, "I believe you're 
always here first in the morning." 

"Yes, sir." 

"And who is here next, Mr. Spiddle or his part- 
ner?" 

"Sometimes one, and sometimes the other." 

"Well, on what days would Mr. Spiddle be likely 
to get here first?" 

"Can't say, sir. At first he was always last, but 
later he began to be earlier, till at last he was always 
first, although before he had always been be- 
hind. He was soon late again, however, though 
lately he has been a bit sooner. Just now, he's 
as much behind as before, but I expect he'll be get- 
ting early sooner or later." 

"Oh, {quite so! That's all I wanted to know." 




M 



AN from home: "Wine?" 
Waiter: "Why'n what?" 



S 



SHADES OF WORDSWORTH 

'HE dwelt beside the untrodden ways, 
' Beside the hills of Butte, 

A maid whom no one cared to love 

And no one dared to shoot. 

Ex. 



TOMMY, in Zoo: What's this? 
Friend: That's a kangaroo, my boy. 



A native of Australia. 

Tommy: Native of Australia? 
sister married one of them. 



Gosh, my 



TREACHER: "What can you tell me concern - 
* ing the "still of spring?" 

Teacher: "It is responsible for the "intoxicat- 
ing joys of all outdoors." 



The Squib 

No matter Ijmit jjntmg a prune mag be it Ijas wrinkles just ttje same 



AMONG OUR PROFS. 

IN Public Speaking, Prof. Prince remarked 
'* that he was not fond of "extracts" . Perhaps 
when his cellar dries out he'll cultivate a taste! 



NEWS ITEM FROM RURAL UPLIFTER-1925 

PROF. Sims of M. A. C. leaped 1000 ft. from 
a speeding aeroplane at the Shutesham fair 
yesterday, to illustrate his fervid interest in the 
"Back to the Land Movement." 



INTELLIGENCE EXAMINATION 

R/fANY students have wondered how the Squib 
A»A board was chosen. We are glad to make 
public the examination used this year. A grade 
of 98% must be obtained for election. 

1. Give name and address of Adam's clothier. 

2. What color necktie did George Washington 
wear? 

3. What famous character in history parted 
his hair in the middle. Where was he buried? 

4. How many feathers on an eider duck? 

5. What color is an influenza bacillus? Give 
chemical composition with imperical formula. 

6. Have you seen fish swimming on Main 
Street lately? Where did you get the stuff? 

7. What brand of tooth-paste do the Eskimos 
prefer? 

8. What makes white blackbirds blue? 

i 9. At what age did Caesar doff his knicker- 
bockers? 

i 10. Do you think this humor is good? Does 
insanity run in your family? 




RR-ai 



HAIR-LESS 

bald headed man was brother Les 
Who hailed from Boston town. 
'Twas known in his home and wherever he'd roam 
That he'd nary a hair in his crown. 

'Twas M'sieur Les in France and Senor in Seville 
And Signor in Padua's bay, 
But they had him in hand in the Fatherland 
Where "Herr Les" they all would say. 



EMALINE Lucille Anna Mc Foppee 
Has gained tfie "rep" of b< ing quite sloppee. 
She came to a house dance, sweet as you please, 
With her petticoat showing, 'most down to her 
knease. 



GOB: "Does this milk taste cowey to you?" 
Gub: "Naw, I think it tastes bully!" 



SON (leaving for college) : Mother, dear, I'll 
write to you every day while Im gone. 
Mother: Goodness! You won't need money 
that often, willyou? 




REEL MO 



"Tug tonclscape rouw<\ like clt-i-fT'^^SHOfc. 1 , 
L'v/ed SoJi'e e^es like ^olJ TostwoMneH 
/\^*l Uai*- 1 1 ke 5^ (f^ troih o M^TUe— ba^J, 




^ plan car~v .VTS S«iJie'i Ueod, 
A«JToViercrr« bo^ *»e sd.<4, 

^) And you'll *care kiw ""d •"•■' •"wWeor 




WFeU^ Jlr-rM sawj S-tWeV d>i/ra look 
And Uim«el-f Uit»J "T U c c o w s li e<4 ^rj~ 1^ 

He lecKnedtoliedn exp«r"f sl,o"t; 



The Squib 



yftlfc^S? 




THERE ARE HORSEMEN-AND HORSEMEN 



M 



— s— 

TO MY EQUINE FRIEND 

Y steed is here, the sarge cries "For'd," 
And so I must needs climb on board. 
A gentle prod, not harsh nor rough, 
I fondly hope t'will be enough. 
My mount, howe'er is lost in thought, 
His wrapt attention can't be bought. 
With manly rage and injured pride, 
I drive my heels into his side. 
A heave, a groan, a lurching sway, 
My faithful steed is under way. 
My troubles now have just begun, 
The ghastly skate is trying to run! 

Oh! dear old sack of skin and bones! 

Pray listen to my sighs and groans! 

If you must hold this fearful gait, 

I have no doubt as to my fate. 

For ground and weathered like a rock, 

My spinal column meets each shock. 

Until, at last, in swift decay. 

My whole back bone must pass away. 



HIRAM (singing soulfully) : "Carry me back to 
old Virginny." 
Silas: "Ye'll hev to be carried back if ye keep 
up thet howlin'!" 



GRANDFATHER: "What would you do, 
Buddy, if you and Tubby were all alone on 
an ice floe in the Arctic?" 

Chip of the old block: "I'd take the letter 'd' 
make dice from the ice and shoot crap all day." 



— S— 
THE SUMMER JOB 

AT this time of year, when a small group of 
Seniors is looking dubiously and anxiously 
for a big salary to draw them into their favorite 
vocation, there is also another group of equally 
dubious and anxious underclassmen who are hop- 
ing to find a genial, profitable, and simple occupa- 
tion that will at least pay for the week-end trip to 
"the beach." Among the latter we find Herman. 
Herman means well, but well meaning does not 
get one very far along the road to one's destination. 
Herman also has athletic aspirations, and at times 
athletic aspirations do much toward landing the 
summer job. 

Herman wrote to the employment agency as 
follows : 

Dear Sir: I am a sophomore in college and 
am out for the high-jump and pole vault. I have 
passed all my studies, paid my Memorial Building 
pledges and don't go out with the Co-Eds. Have 
you a summer job for me that will keep me in con- 
dition for "track?" Yours truly, 

Herman 



A few days later he received the following 
reply : 

Dear Herman! 

You are just the man we are looking for. Report 
at your convenience to the International Hop 
Orchards. 

Yours truly, 

Brown Employment Agency 



H 



TO BE EXACT 

UNT: "Is it true, Johnnie, that you are at 
the foot of your class?" 
Johnnie: "Not quite; just about the ankle." Kitty grew up she became a cat. 



SHE: Why did you stop going with Kitty? 
He: I just thought in time that when a 



The Squib 



Dissertations Upon Familiar Subjects 

by Prof. Ebonytop 
NO. V 

ENFORCEMENT OF PROHIBITION 

Prohibition to date has been wonderfully successful. What was never drunk before has been 
drunk this year by men who never drank before and will, in many cases, never drink again save in the 
Elysian fields where "hooch" is not distilled. Our imports of liquors have increased, our grape growers 
are more prosperous than ever, and doctors and druggists report a thriving business. Last but not 
least, Josephus Daniels and William. Jennings Bryan have dropped into obscurity. 

However, there are congressmen who are under the delusion that those who passed the 
eighteenth amendment desired that it be enforced. It is my desire here to elucidate unto you why 
this should not be done. 

In the first place, to try to enforce prohibition longer is poor sportsmanship. Supposing in 
football you had played all around your man, ridden him back every time, cracked him. thrice in the 
jaw, and gotten his nose to bleeding. It then he were any kind of a sport he would feign dead and have 
a substitute sent in in his place wouldn't he? Or, at least you will admit no gentleman under such 
circumstances would continue to resist you. That is the situation of the government today. The booze 
hounds have cracked the jaws of the constitution, blacked the eyes of the U. S. government, and spit 
in the face of the U. S. flag. If said con., gov., and fl., are good sports they will admit that the boozers 
are better men than they are and quit playing. 

Think also on how sad the world would be if prohibition were really enforced. I'd rather laugh 
at a fellow who has imbibed too freely than at a natural idiot, for the drinker is not only a fool but 
has payed good money to become one. 

Consider also how much more difficult it would be to distinguish between a bum and a gentle- 
man if prohibition were enforced. 

All in all, when we consider the advantages which have arisen from, our half hearted enforce- 
ment of prohibition, and the disadvantages which might acrue if it were actually enforced, we cannot 
advocate any change in the present enforcement of prohibition. 



K. C. R. "\A/HY don't you get down to the seashore? 



You know 'Time flies!" 
True enough, but horse flies interest me more." 



(A Plunge Into Forbidden Pools) 
'HERE'S nothing like water to add to young 

love 

And bring a sweet blush to her face. 
No, nothing like water, but, heavens above! 
Be sure that you stay on the surface. 



Barber (to sleepy customer): "I cannot shave pRESHIE: "Did you hear the latest song?" 

you, sir, unless you hold up your head." * Soph: "No, what is it?" 

Sleepy Customer: "All right, give me a hair Freshie: "Down in The Basement." 

cut, then." Soph: "Has it made a hit?" 

Jester Freshie: "You bet. It's a great cellar." 



— The Squib 

A k\BB on % imnrstrp w umrttj tm in % mail 



QUEER QUERIES APTLY ANSWERED 

(Address Fedora Plush — Squib Confidential Editor) 
Question: Must we wear dresses any longer this 

summer? 

Alary Modest 
Ans.: Gosh, Mary, I don't know! Why don't 

you take a chance? 



Question: Why are silk stockings more expensive 
now than they were five years ago? 

dementia L. 

Answer: Well, dearie, they can't make the 
tops out of cotton any more without it being 
noticed. Savez? 



Question: Where can I get a cheap, snappy suit for 
summer icear? 

Eky. N. Omical 

Answer: Try one of Havva, Hart and Co's 
new paper models. (With fireproof seat if you 
smoke.) 



Question: I am enclosing my photo. Can I wear 
one of Madame LaGasse's "Buy and Bus" French 
Cuckoo hats? 

Answer: Please enclose facsimile of your bank- 
book and I'll answer at once. 



Question: I have just bought a S1000 Creation 
Francaise. There is a Charlotte frock of Capucine 
Red, crepe de chine skirt, bodice of georgette crepe, 
heavily embroidered with gold and rhinestones, a 
black, gold-embroidered hat, and gold stockings, My 
husband is a shrimp. He looks poorly in everything. 
Can you suggest anything suitable for him to put on? 

Irula Roost. 
Answer: Yes. Mourning, (for Irula.) 

S 

IN Mother's Day: He drew her close to him, 
she rested her cheek against his for an instant 
as they sat on the veranda. 

In ours: He drew her close to him, she rested 
hex' cheek against his, and they waddled over the 
dance floor all evening. 




H 



Art for Art's Sake 

S 
Outside fur traders door. 
"SKIN DEALER'' 



ENRIETTA Lotta Pease 
Is a girlie sure To "please. 
Took her to a cabaret, 
She used up a whole week's pay. 
Appetite was like a horse, 
(ordered two of every course!) 
Cost a heap to feed and dress her, 
Yet I love her much, God bless her! 

BUT 

Before I pop the question, 
Bet she'll die of indigestion. 



MOTHER, was Behold one of the apostles?" 
NO, child. Where did you ever hear that? 
"Why mother! Didn't you ever read about 
'Mark the perfect man and Behold the upright'?" 



YOUNG 'un : What is the difference between 
humour and nonsense? 
Old 'un: If your mother says it, it is humour, 
but if I say it, it is nonsense. 



The Squib 




GREAT!! 

SENIOR: Hear the good news? 
Frosh: What's that? 
Senior: They had a good speaker at assembly 
today. 

Frosh: Ya don't say! 

Senior: Even the Juniors staid awake. 



ONE WITHOUT A LIGHT-HOUSE 

'HE: What's the nearest port in a storm? 
' He: (getting the idea) The davenport. 



A Tragedy in One Act 



HOW do you make Ethylene? 
Give her two weeks board at the "Hash 



House." 



HEARD IN BOSTON 

UBWAY Conductor: Pass both sides of the 
post madame. 



S 



'23 
'24 

'23 



I practiced for my initiation all summer. 
What did you do? 
I paddled a girl in a canoe every night. 



EDITOR: This isn't poetry my dear man. 
It is merely an escape of gas. 
Contrib: I see. Something must be wrong with 
the meter. 

Ex. 
S 

C'ATHER: How is it you use so little gasoline 
* when you go riding with Peggy? 
Son: Isn't love a wonderful thine? 



HARD-boiled: And the rations were getting 
bad. The last few days out the mutton 
was fairly alive. 

Egg: If the mutton was punk why didn't you 
order veal? 



SPRING TRAINING 

SON: Do you believe in spring training? 
Father: Certainly if you can train spring 
to come on the day it is supposed to. 



S 



HAT do we find in beds? Liers. 

What do we find in Heaven? Lyres. 

What do we find in Hell? Liars. 



w 



1st. Guy: Can your sister sing? 
2nd Guy: No, but she does. 



YOUNG fish: Which end of the ferry boat is 
the bow? 
Old tar: The first to the pier, ye bloomin' 
lubber. 

S 



T^OP, where is atoms? 



Do you mean Athens? 
No, Atoms, the place where everything is blown 



to. 



S 



STUDE: I can't seem to recall the date of the 
fall of Rome. 
Prof: What? Do you have troule in remsm - 
bering your dates? 



The Squib 




DRAMATICALLY SPEAKING OF WOMEN 

With Apologies to Kipling and his 
"LADIES" 



3. 
When I was a Senior in Prep. Schooll 
Shy as the deuce to begin, 
Along came a widow and grabbed me, 
Oh, boy, she could shake a shim', 
Older of course, but a hummer, 
Played poker, told stories galol-e, 
Took all she could, and then left me 
When she found out I had nothing more. 

4. 
Then I came up here to college, 
We met at a dance one night. 
It was then that the romance started, 
The moment she came into sight. 

Chubby, conceited, and spiteful, 
Doll of the rouge box, she were, 
But she went to her Prom with a Juniornamed 

Tom, 
So I learned about women from her. 

5. 
Then when a gay young Sophomore 
I went to a show one day, 
Where I picked up the Vampire "lead lady" 
Who called herself Alice May, 
Taught me to drink hard liquor 
Awful "gold digger," she were, 
For she showed me the way to spend a month's 
pay, 

Then I learned about women from her. 

6. 

And then as a jolly, wise Junior 

I got me a girl real nice, 

Fell mad in love to begin with 

Then she gave me the shoulder of ice 

Frat pin and diamond went with her, 

Sort of collectin', she were, 

For I found that she'd done it with others, 

So I learned about women from her. 



I 



'VE taken fun where I've found it, 

I've gambled and drank in my time, 
An' I've played all kinds of women, 
Yet they all have the same old line. 
Now, one was a newly made widow, 
One was a girl at school, 
One was the vamp of a popular play 
And one was just plain little fool. 

2. 
Now these ladies all had me guessing 
They could buy me with a song, 
But it wasn't 'till after I'd tried 'em 
That I found out who was wrong. 
There's times that you hate 'em like poison, 
There's times when you think you're in love, 
But the things you learn will help you a lot, 
When it comes to picking a dove. 



Then as a grave old Senior 

I found me a girl with a car, 

Took me to dinners and dances 

An' charged up the bills to her pa. 

So I got in some mighty good "fussin'." 

Till the old man starts callin' me son, 

Then I showed 'em a clean pair of heels. 

Now I swear to the God's I am done. 

8. 
You may take what you want when you want it, 
And the women take all they can get; 
But if ever I chance to get married, 
It must be a pretty safe bet. 
Money and looks are essential 
To me when I take a wife; 
But again in thinking it over 
The best is a bachelor's life. 



EXCHANGE 



« * 



til 



sm 






f 



y 



rV 



i Lady to clerk : "I'd like to buy a collar for Fido, 
! please. 

Enterprising clerk: Sorry madam, we haven't 
I any dog collars, but wouldn't a small "Lion" 
J collar do? 

Brown Jug 



||,"My heart is with the ocean!" cried the pcet 
rapturously. 

"You've gone me one better," said his sea- 
sick friend, as he took a firmer grip on the rail. 

— Tiger 



Judge: "You have been found guilty of petty 
larceny. What do you want, ten days or ten dol- 
lars?" 

Guilty Party: "I'll take the money." 

Flamingo 



Yale Student: "How do you make hash?" 
Nemo: "You don't! — it just accumulates." 

Yale Record 



Dan: "Let's elope—" 

Ann: "Sure." 

"And get married." 

"Oh, dear! How conventional you are." 

Froth 



First Stude: "I've found a way to beat the 
honor system." 

Second Stude: "Let's have it." 

First Stude: "Memorize the text book." 

Punch Bowl 



In case someone may have overlooked this 
joke in our last number we are giving you another 
chance. 

Ella: "I'm mad at Jack." 
Bella: "So soon? What's wrong?" 
Ella: "He knows so many naughty songs." 
Bella: "Does he sing them to you?" 
Ella: "No, the mean thing, he just whistles 
the tunes." 

Carnegie Puppet 



He: "Will you marry me?" 

She: "No." 

He: "Whom are you going to marry?" 

She: "I'll marry whom I please." 

He: "Well, you please me; let's elope." 

Tar Baby 



NOTHING IN IT 

Father: "What's this wild story I hear about 
your bank account being flat?" 

Son: "Tut, tut, dad, it's overdrawn." 

Cornell Widow 



Professor X: "Who's there?" 

Burglar: "Lie still and keep quiet. I'm look- 
ing for money." 

Professor X: "Wait, and I'll get up and look 
with you." 

rar.ge Peel 



THEN THE FUR FLEW 
"Were you and^Daddy*good boys when I was 
gone?" asked the mother. 

"Oh, yes, mother," replied the child. 
"And did you treat nurse respectfully?" 
"I should say we did!" 

"And did you kiss her good night every day?" 
"I should say we did!" 

Washington Dirge 



REVENGE 

Barber: "Your hair is getting gray, sir." 
Customer: "Well, I'm not surprised. Hurry 



up! 



Virginia Reel 



Nut : "What sort of a part has Jack in the play?" 
Pick: "An emotional part. He has to refuse 
a drink in the third act. 1 ' 

Burr 



The Squib 




1S21 .SPORT MODEL 



TO KATRINKA 

H! glorious phantom of delight! 
Your physiog. is sure some sight. 
Your penciled brows and lips of red, 
Are quite enough to knock 'em dead. 
Your rounded cheeks are just divine, 
Embalmed in purest kalsomine. 
And added yet to all these charms, 
A vast estate of onion farms. 
What mortal man, both cool and sane, 
Could pass up such a charming jane? 

S 

SOME FEAT! 

"WOMAN PULLED OUT RESERVOIR 



H 



" I 'HREE men were talking of their ancestors. 
^ The first said: Why one of my ancestors 
ran away from Germany about 100 years ago. 

The second said: That is nothing my people 
came over in a sailboat that took 90 days. 

That is nothing said the third, my people came 
over in a coal barge that followed the Mayflower. 



Headline in Boston Post 



HOW did that man make his fortune? 
By raising wolves and getting the bounties 
on them. 




Enter the Villain! 



Welcome Back 



ALUMNI 



An Orchestra 

with 

"PEP" 



You will find BUCK DEADY still 



feeding you as in days of old. 
Now located in my new quarters be- 
tween Shiphuel's store and the Savings 



Bank. 



Open from 7 a.m. to 1 a.m. 




For engagements, call: 
M. M. Smith, Phi Sigma Kappa House 



or 



C. Dunbar — Sigma Phi Epsilon House 



"Have you seen the 'Vale of Purple Snakes'?" 
"Lord, no, I haven't had a drink this semester." 

— Showme. 



MORE MATERIAL ADVANCEMENT. 

"Have you seen the new style socks?" 
"No. Are they good?" 

"Great convenience! They're sewed right 
into the shoes." 

"But how do you change them?" 
"You don't! That's the convenience." 

— Jack '-o -Lantern. 



Barney: — "That Prof, made quite a long speech 
in chapel the other morning." 

Fish: — "What was he talking about?" 
Barney: — "He didn't say." 

— : Northwestern Chronicle. 



"What would you say, dear, if I put my arm 
around you?" asked the inexperienced youth. 
"At last," responded the lady fair. 

— Showme. 



ATTENTION ALUMNI 
Eat at 

Mrs. Williams' 

The 
Best Home Cooking on the Campus. 
Ask. any Aggie man. 



HARDWARE 



Sporting Goods 
Flash Lights 



The Mutual Plumbing and Heating Co. 



Amherst 



Printing - Ruling - Binding 



"The Kind Worth While" 



EXCELSIOR PRINTING CO. 



Phone 59 



North Adams, Mass. 



A starving tramp stopped at a kitchen in Cali- 
fornia and asked for food. 

"You likee fish?" asked the Chinese cook. 
"Yes," replied the tramp, eagerly. 
"All lite, come around Fliday." 

— Mugwump. 



Unsophisticated Miss: — "What did Hal mean 
when he said that Helen was mushy?' 

World-wise Mister — "I guess he meant she 
was kind of soft from constant squeezing." 

— Medley. 



GLASS HOUSES, ETC. 
The Prof, had written on the back of a theme: 
"Please write more legibly." 
Next day — "Prof., what is that you put on 
my theme?" 

— Tar Baby 



NOT THE VICTROLA WAY 

Fair Maiden: — Will you start "Whispering?" 
Cautious Stude — Is your old man home?" 

— Jester 



The Draper Hotel 

Northampton, Mass. 

THE HOTEL OF BANQUETS 

We Cater to Football, Baseball & Basket- 
Ball Teams 
Also to — 
Class Banquets, of which we have made 

such a Great Success — Come Again. 
WM. M. KIMBALL, PROP. 




t Is Research? 



UPPOSE that a stove burns too much coal for the amount of 
heat that it radiates. The manufacturer hires a man familiar 
with the principles of combustion and heat radiation to make 
experiments which will indicate desirable changes in design. The stove 
selected as the most mcient is the result of research. 

Suppose that you want to make a ruby in a factory — not a mere 
imitation, but a real ruby, indistinguishable by any chemical or 
physical test from the natural stone. You begin by analyzing rubies 
chemically and physically. Then you try to make rubies just as 
nature did, with the same chemicals and under similar conditions. 
Your rubies are the result of research — research of a different type 
from that required to improve the stove. 

Suppose, as you melted up your chemicals to produce rubies and 
experimented with high temperatures, you began to wonder how hot 
the earth must have been millions of years ago when rubies were first 
crystallized, and what were the forces at play that made this planet 
what it is. You begin an investigation that leads you far from rubies 
and causes you to formulate theories to explain how the earth, and, 
for that matter, how the whole solar system was created. That would 
be research of a still different type — pioneering into the unknown to 
satisfy an insatiable curiosity. 

Research of all three types is conducted in the Laboratories of L he 
General Electric Company. But it is the third type of research — 
pioneering into the unknown — that means most, in the long run, even 
though it is undertaken with no practical benefit in view. 

At the present time, for example, the Research Laboratories of the 
General Electric Company are exploring matter with X-rays in order 
to discover nGt only how the atoms in different substances are ar- 
ranged but how the atoms themselves are built up. The more you 
know about a substance, the more you can do with it. Some day this 
X-ray work will enable scientists to answer more definitely than they 
can now the question: Why is iron magnetic? And th„i the elec- 
trical industry will take a great step forward, and more real progress 
will be made in five years than can be made in a century of experi- 
menting with existing electric?] apparatus. 

You can add wings and stories to an old house. But to build a 
new house, you must begin with the foundation. 




nera 



General Office 




biectn 

Schenectady, N. Y. 



95 3 7 ' 



I. S x. 

LIBRARY OF THE 

Massachusetts Agricultural College, 

AMHERST, MASS. 



"\ 




KODAKS 



VICTOR RECORDS 



DEUEL'S DRUG 
STORE 



WATERMAN 
FOUNTAIN PENS 



DUNHILL, BBB, 
TREBOR AND 
KAGWOODIE 
PIPES 



..LEARN TO PLAY.. 

Tenor Banjo, Mandolin, 
Mandolin Banjo, Ukelele. 



Special Course in "Popular" Music 



NOTE: Arrangements will be made 

to give instruction at Amherst. 

Write or call for particulars. 



"Gibson" and "Vega" instru- 
ments at reasonable prices. 



The Cooke Studio 

Sherwin Blo:k 
NORTHAMPTON. MASS. 

Over 5 and 10 cent Store 



At conversation she is helpless, 
As she sits and chews her gum; 

Just the type for a petting or party, 
Good looking, but awfully dumb. 

Wasp 



"My professor doesn't know good English." 

How so. 
"Why he says 'pie are square,' when it should 
be 'pie is round.' " 

Widow 



The 

James McKmnon Co. 

Plates for College Annuals 

Class Books and all illustrative purposes 

Quality first. Prices Right. 

257 Main St. SpringfieU, Mass. 



He: "Let's go to the dance tonight." 

She: "Why do you like to dance so much?" 

He: "Oh! for many reasons: I can put my 

arm around you, draw you up close, feel your 

soft cheek against mine, and — " 

She: "That will do! Let's stay at home and 

make believe we went to the dance." 

Tar Baby 



"George and Amy dance well together, don't 
they?" 

"Yes; well together is right, my dear." 

Pelican 



The Draper Hotel 

Northampton, Mass. 
THE HOTEL OF BANQUETS 

We Cater to Football, Baseball & Basket- 
Bali Teams 
Also to — 
Class Banquets, of which we have made 

such a Great Success — Come Again. 
WM. M. KIMBALL, PROP. 



Amherst Book Store 

Fountain Pens and Banners 


■ — i 

Student Furniture 

GEO. W. GRIGGS 

11 AMITY STREET Tel. 446-J 


A large assortment of all kinds of Fiction 


Step in and let me show you the new 
Lefax Note Book 


C. F. DYER 


GUESS WHERE 

"Hump! I suppose you've been everywhere?" 
sneered Gibson as the great explorer finished re- 
lating his experience. 

"No," replied the traveller. "Not everywhere, 
I haven't yet visited the place the taxi-driver 
told me to go to when I refused to tip him." 


The mountaineer was on the witness stand 
and during the course of his examination he spat 
expressively on the floor of the courtroom. The 
judge fined him a dollar for contempt of court. 
The witness tendered a ten dollar bill, and when 
the clerk offered him nine dollars in return, the 
mountaineer said: "Keep the change Judge, I 
may want to spit again." 

Ex. 


Diz: "Give me a smoke, Old Chap!" 
Dizzy: "Sorry, but I'm all fagged out. 

Showme 


The Academy of Music 

Presenting the best pictures and 
novel attractions 

SATURDAY, FEB. 18TH 


E. F. CARLSON CO. 

CONTRACTORS 

ALUMNI MEMORIAL BUILDING 

GIRLS' DORMITORY BUILDING 

CAVALRY HORSE BARN 

244 Main St. 
SPRINGFIELD, MASS. 


Frank McEntee 

PRESENTS 
MATINEE 

"THE PIGEON" 

By JOHN GALSWORTHY 


EVENING 

"BEYOND the HORIZON" 

By EUGENE O'NEILL 


Big New York Successes 

presented by 

An Exceptional Company 



Kings ley's 



DRUG STORE 



Northampton, 



Mass. 



Bill: I can't use your story of tbe stove-pipe. 
John: Why not? 
Bill: It isn't clean. 



Kutie: Agnes slipped ou her veranda last 
night. 

Brutie: Well, did it fit her? 

Flamingo 



tDJtcbcil Bclkin 



PHOTOGRAPHERS 



241 Main St. 
Phone 1753 



Studios 
Northampton, Mass. 
Springfield, Mass. 



Special Rates 
to Students 



Experts in 
developing and 
printing 
your films 



Films developed 

FREE 

to students 



Dumb: I come from a family that had eight 
boys and five girls. 

Bell: Boy! That's no family — it's a whole 
neighborhood. 

Brown Jug 



Dingg: "After all, a fellow's better off if he 
stays home at night and reads i good book or 



magazine. 



Lingg: "That's right; I couldn't get a date 
tonight, either." 

Sun Dial 



NOT FOR SALE 

"This cock is respectful and appears com- 
petent. I'll engage her." 
"Oh you can't have her!" 
"Why not?" 
"She's our office sample." 

Judge 



WHY KEEP HER WAITING 

"Somewhere there is a woman waiting for 
every man." 

"I know there is one waiting for me. I'm be- 
hind in my room rent." 

Tar Baby 



The Mary Marguerite 

Tea Room and Food Shop 



21 State Street 



Northampton, Mass. 



rJS r$n r$f> 

VjW VJV yjw 

Lunches and Suppers served 

Hours 11:00-6:60 

rift etf* rJW 

*JW Jf* Vjw 

Accommodations made for 
private evening dinner parties 



Busy Billie (to tramp): "How does it happen 
that you're bumming, with all the work there 
is to do?" 

Weary Willie: "It's like this: My ole man 
died lookin' for work; my brother died o' work; 
my sister was run over and killed on the way 
home from work. And me, boss — I ain't takin' 
any chances." 

Virginia Reel 



"Do you raise pears in Louisiana?" Bishop 
Potter once asked a man whose acquaintance 
he had made on the train. 

"W T e do," was the reply, "if we have threes 
or better." 

Boston Transcript 



THE CUT UNKIND 

"Don't you think that Maybelle has a com- 
plexion like a peach?" 

"Yeh, I noticed that she had fuzz on her upper 
lip, too." 



A RECORD 

Practical: "Fred was in three major engage- 
ments and only lost one finger." 

Sofa Serp: "That's nothing. Algy has had 
four engagements and only lost one ring." 

Tar Baby 



"He's wandering in his mind." 
"That's all right; he won't go far." 



Reel 



Father (calling down stairs) : Mary, is that 
young man there yet? 

Mary: No, father, but he's getting there. 

Froth 



He (eager to tell her latest choice bit) : There's 
something going round that will interest you, dear. 

She: Well be careful, there are some pins 
in my waist. 

Dodo 



FAIR AND WARMER 

He: "You are the sunshine of my life! You 
alone reign in my heart. Without you life is 
but a dreary cloud — etc." 

She: "Is this a proposal or a weather report?" 

Lehigh Burr 




First Soph — "Why so doleful. 
Old Top; flunk your midyears? " 

Second Soph— "No, worse! So 
busy cramming, I missed Wallach 
Bros.' representative on his 
last trip." 

First Soph— "Tough luck, but 
cheer up. He's here every 
other week from now.on." 











SPECIAL 






Tuxedo or 
Full Dress 

$63.00 

Style and taitored by 

Hart, bchaffner & Max, 

which means they are 

correct in every detail. 






Qcneral Offices 

Broadway, cor. 29th Street 

New York 





'Most Certainly 
Since You Wish It" 

That is what we responded a 
brief half year ago in answer to 
the pleasant insistence of our 
many College-Men Customers 
that we visit them during the 
long weeks when it was impos- 
sible for them to visit us. 

We are glad we decided to ac- 
cept these invitations of our 
friends in the Colleges, because 
our reception everywhere has 
been mighty cordial. But we are 
equally glad that we made haste 
slowly in making up our minds 
to go before we went. 

We feel it is a matter for hon- 
est self-congratulation that the 
Colleges discovered us instead of 
our having "discovered" the Col- 
leges. It is one thing to visit by 
invitation, as we are doing, and 
still another for purposes of ex- 
ploitation, as we never would 
consent to do. 

"Satisfaction or Money Back" 



HART SCHAFFNER & MARX 




"Four New York Stores" 



Printing - Ruling - Binding 



"The Kind Worth While" 



EXCELSIOR PRINTING CO. 



Phone 59 



North Adams, Mass. 



Ask "Dad" he k nom 

If "Dad" went to school at M. A. C. 
the chances are good that he knew the 
right place to buy his clothes and patron- 
ized us. Good clothes for college men for 
over thirty years. If you haven't bought 
your sheepskin coat come in and look 
ours over. 

F. M. Thompson & Son 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx Clothes 



I kicked a mongrel cur, 
He uttered a mournful wail, 
Where did I kick him Sir? 
Oh! Thereby hangs a tale. 



Ex. 



Bob: "What kind of a girl is Evangeline?" 
Ned: "She is the kind of a girl who asks you 

why the basement windows of gymnasiums are 

always frosted." 

Phoenix 



THE VALUE OF EDUCATION 

"Little boy," said the visitor at the school 
house, "what do you intend to be when you grow 
up?" 

"A fish peddler, Mister." 

"And why a fish peddler?" 

"Because then I'd only have to work on Friday.'' 

Tripod 



Insulted Maiden : Oh, sir, catch that man ! 
He tried to kiss me. 

Genial Passerby: That's all right. There'll 
be another one along in a minute. 

Purple Cow 



Stye iFuturtst 

rfo rjn r$f* 

Vg* <ffo v'Jw 

Jf iFuturtsts Ijab liueb m bags of Pope, 
ujljeu/b bteb a fearful beattj urittjuut a bap* 
(Df rpadiutg fyeaueu, fur bis potaoir mratij 
2^ab muueb tljem bourn tn uoe fierce, smeepiug patlj! 

Hut Uuutlr tubo unites tobag 
3n trutlj, buius bourn before no gob 
QPf rules, but rljumes tuljere fancu. suits, 
Aub tben at times b,e b,as uo rljyme, 
(§t apparently man attempts at meter, 
Anb toe alloui trim life! 

3at uttjo bares sau. utfjicb is tfje greater— 

QJlje barb of former bays 
(§v iljts uneasy, restless Ijater 

(§f customary mags? 



11 call tljem great or fools, 
(§r mljat me mill. 
($r tigfjt tt out mitb. rules— 
(§v fust keep still! 




4DDDODDD 

^DDDDaDaaoj 

Z1DDDD 
□ DQD 




DL x^ ^ 

DDD. -V, 

DOOD \b: 

DDODb 

DDDaati 

□DDDDD 

onaanafc 

DQDaDDD 

Doaaaaa. 

DDDDDQDQ 

PDDDDaDD 

□QDDDDa 

oaaonqeo 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



Literary Editor 

B. F. Jackson, *22 

Art Editor 

C. A. Towne, '23 

Exchange Editor 
G. E. White, '22 



Editor-in-Chief 
C. R. Vinten, '22 

Managing Editor 
T. T. Abele, '23 

Business Manager 
H. E. Weatherwax, '24 



Advertising Manager 
R. P. Smith, '22 

Circulation Manager 
E. F. Lamb, '24 

Asst. Advertising Mgr. 
C. E. Bowes, '24 



^ 



Literary Department 
C. A. Buck, '22 
W. E. Chapin, '22 
K. C. Randall,' 22 
J. L. Walsh, '22 
H. E. Wentsch, '22 

E. W Burke, '23 

F. Brunner, '24 

R. Langenbacker, '25 



Art Department 
R. M. Acheson, '22 
J. Kroeck, '22 
F. Gilbert: '22 
R. Noyes, '24 
K. Ball, '25 

Business Department 
H. H. Davis, '24 W. Rhodes, '24 

G. Knowles, '25 C. Salmon, '25 L. Hale, '25 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
in the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed 
to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



There are many Sunkissed oranges, a few Sun- 
kissed peaches but not very darned many Son- 
kissed Lemons. 

Aw g wan 



KISS! KISS!! KISS!!! 

Our idea of a tough situation \6 for a fellow 
to get a kiss fairly well launched and then have 
a sneeze beat hin out. 

Ex. 



The Squib 




The First Impressionist 



THE EXPLANATION 

IT seems 
They call them 
"The Futurist School" 
Of poets and painters 
Because in the future 
They may learn 
To rhyme or paint. 
Lord knows 
They can'c now. 



r I 'HAT'S the dope," said the drug fiend as 
* he pricked his arm once more." 



T^HEY were talking of cool men. Pat told 
* of how an old ox driver he knew was attacked 
in the middle of a big field by an angry bull. 
When the bull was within ten feet the old Irishman 
hollered "Gee" and the bull turned to the right 
as he had been taught. A Yankee, was the only 
man present who was unmoved. The crowd 
asked him if he had ever known a man as cool 
headed. "Surely," replied the Yankee, "any 
child in our part of the country would do as much. 
The coolest headed man I ever knew, died just 
last August at Palm Beach. He took a dive 
from a springboard into the ocean, and his 
head was so cool, that when it hit the water, the 
water froze and he broke his head on the ice. 



'EACHER: Johnny, give an example of a 

simple sentence. 
Johnny: Thirty Days. 



MY AUTOMOBILE 

OH, the Ford went flip 
And the Ford went flop 
I landed with it 
But not on top. 



*TTHE landlords are nice fellows nowadays. 
■**■ If a man hasn't the money to pay his rent, 
the landlord will help him out. 

S 

SOPH: "Did you know that women teachers 
are becoming chorus girls now?" 
Junior: "How do you figure that out?" 
Soph: "Well, you see they received so little 
money for showing figures to small boys, that now 
they show figures to the big boys." 



CLAIR DE LUNE 

(A Futuristic Impression) 

' I 'HERE was a moon high in the heavens 
* Golden, mystic, shedding its light of en- 
chantment. 

Why does her face so bewitch me? 
I seem to see the light of heaven in her half closed 
eyes. 

Or is it in her soul, white, virginal, trusting. 

What have I done? She is awaiting my kiss. 

I feel the warm pulse of her body, clinging, 
clinging. 

I bend closer. The perfume of her lips pervades 
me. 

A strange longing, — a strange perfume, — deli- 
cate^ — exotic, — 

Yet strangely compelling, — drawing, drawing, 

Our lips touch, — response, — quick pressure. 

The moments flit by. 

We have kissed. 



The Squib 




"Jimmy! If I'm ever goin' to look like 
that I don't want to grow up!" 



ADVICE TO YOUNG GIRLS FROM 15 to 95 



OH, bliss! 
A kiss ! 
Unsterilized ! ! 
A girl, 
A churl, 
Both perilized! 



Result? 

Consult 

A lexicon. 

He might 

(oh, fright!) 

Have had the con! 



R^p]LYIX Graves, our lion-hearted town corn- 
*▼* stubble inkarserated one of our most 
prominent citizens in the local hoosegow as 
he was detected returning home from the county 
seat after curfew, under the influence of liquids 
of uncertain composition. Mel tried to bribe 
this bibulous one with the sparkling proboscis 
where he got it. Being exceptionally loquacious 
on this occasion, the prisoner finally imparted 
the knowledge, via the deaf-and-dumb language, 
"From a bottle!" Whereupon, he spent the 
night in the jug. 



Beware ! 
Take care!! 
Don't fall!!! 
You must 
Not trust; 
That's all. 



A kiss 

Is bliss 

It's cause to be. 

It may, 

Some day, 

Cause you T. B. 



FLIPPER: "I hear you flub-dubbed at mid- 
years." 

Flopper: "Too true." 

Flipper: "Won't the old man be all unstrung 
when he hears." 

Flopper: "Not at all, I wired him this morning." 



HENRY: "Just imagine how the women 
would look on Broadway in the costume 
of the Garden of Eden." 

John: "Not bad in the summer, but how about 
autumn when the leaves begin to fall?" 



So should 
Some good 
Man (young) 
Propose 
To expose 
Your lung 



Just say, 
"I pray 
(Ejaculate!) 
Go way! 
You may 
Evacuate!" 

Bulletin No. 131, 323. 
Sterilization (S.O.S.) 



Society for Oscullatory 



The Squib 



f 



Editorials 



GIVE HIM CREDIT 

/^\1 R long nights of winter may some day be illumined by a new planet. Our short, chilly days 
M V \ may, m the ages to come, be transformed into balmy days, such as the Californian warbles 
^L M about; but not before that lime shall we sec the extinction of that mysterious animal, that 
^^t^r power in human society, ilia! yeast cake in the home-brew of art, that, dash of ether in the 

gasolene tank of progress, known as the futuristic impressionist. Little do we know of his 
evolution, but it is safe to assume that he did not roll down through the ages in the same Darwinian per- 
ambulator with the common run of men. If science can prove that he did, then it must prove that, 
undoubtedly, he picked up along the route some flickering spark of optical superiority which our plodding 
ancestors failed to connect with. 

Not long ago, Squibby wandered into that Cape Cod colony known as Provincetown, and, being 
of a curious disposition, he was determined to see what the latest developments in the realms 
of the aesthetic might be. He found that exhibits of our safe and sane artists were not sufficient 
to repay him for the long journey to this Bohemian village. After being bored for a half hour or more 
he came upon an enframed nightmare of raw linseed oil, that must have slid off a pallette during the 
night of Curley's election. It was very appropriately designated as, "Lady Cornborough on Horseback." 
We say, "appropriately designated," because one could easily discern between the disorderly arrangement 
of pavallelopipeds and pentadecagons, two of the most beautiful horse's hoofs that we have ever come 
in contact with. To be sure "Lady Cornborough" herself, happened to be attending the Firemen's 
Ball the night the painting was assembled, so could not be recorded as present, but the versatile artist 
had so deftly substituted a marble stairway, two Roman -Doric columns, and thirty seven pairs of cellu- 
loid dice, that, upon first glance, one would never realize that the "Lady" was among the missing. 

It has been stated by many an old timer that the superiority of the ancient Greeks and Romans, 
in the field of art, can never be surpassed, but in the light of our present development we must award 
the prize to the man who can produce a work that the civilization of a million years hence will marvel at. 



S 



THE SQUIB BOARD 

QUIBBY wishes to call attention to the new additions to its staff of workers who have shown 
their ability to such a degree that they have been placed upon the Board as permanent members. 
There also has been a decided revival of interest amongst the humorists outside the Board, 
which has resulted in several contributions of merit. Squibby appreciates this expression of 
interest and hopes that it will continue to grow. 



The Squib desires to acknowledge contributions to this issue from the following men: 

Martin '23 Balmayne 2 yr. 

Hanscomb '25 Loomis 2 yr. 



The Squib 



WHEN THE MOON SHINES ON THE MOON-SHINE 

Time: — Next October. 
Place: — Here. 

Characters 

1. HICKS, A Farmer. 

2. KLIM, Another Farmer. 

3. SHIRTLESS HOMES, The Great Defective. 

4. CRAIG KENNEDY- His Understudy. 

Hicks, a prosperous farmer, and getting more prosperous every day, is suspected of being engaged 
in the moon-shine manufacture. Klim is supposed to be his accomplice. Two detectives are put on 
their trail. 

The night was dark and stormy, 

The wind was howling wild, 

The sun was shining fiercely, 

The weather, it was mild. 

Scene I. Farm of Hicks. Barn in right foreground. 

Hicks and Klim enter R. and enter barn. Hicks is singing that famous little ditty "I ain't got 
the Agricultural Blues." Homes and Ken. appear L. from under grape arbor, and cautiously sneak up 
under window in left side of barn. 

Homes: — "Gosh, those grapes were good. I'd like to take some home and make some scuff with 'em. 
Did you hear what that feller was singing? T don't care how many crops I lose' and 'Yer 
uncle Hicks know how to make the moon -shine still'? I think this is the room. Got a tank, 
'n machinery, 'n everything. Listen!" 

Hicks: — "Fill 'er up, and we'll put 'er through, 'twan't workin' right the other day. I don't know 
what the matter was." 

Ken: — "Doggone this curtain being down. Can't see a thing. Where the deuce does this wind come 
from before it starts to blow? Hear that thing buzz. What is it?" 

Homes: — "Oh, some new machine they've rigged up that takes the moon-shine taste out of it, I hear." 

Hicks: — "There, now we'll test it, and see how it is. Here, don't drink them skimmings; take some 
of the real stuff." 

Homes: — "Hot dog! Would that I were in there!" 

There is a whirr of machinery for several minutes. 

Hicks: — "My customers like their's about 20 %. They say it's a little too heavy if it's any more than 
that." 

Klim: — "Wall, I take mine about 15% and homogenize it." 

Homes: — "Holy smokes! 15 and 20%. Jimmy, I guess it's about time to act. Come on!" 
They rush into the barn, and hold the two men up at pistol point. 

Homes: — "Throw up yer hands, there! It's all off. Give us a sample and the recipe, or we'll put yer 
in the jug." 

Hicks: — "Yessir, very simple. You just mix it up in that tank there, and adjust the screw in the sepa- 
rator for 20%. Have a glass of cream boys!" 

Exeunt 



The Squib 



VERS LIBRE— TRES LIBRE 

IF only this 
Were poetry 
And would be 
Accepted by 
Other magazines 
Than the 

"Futurist Number" of 
"The Squib," why] 
Believe me, kid, 
I'd never work for a living. 



HEARD AT SHEPARD'S 

D'YE give stamps?" 
"I wanta sofa piller to wear to the movies." 
"Take your hatpin out of my eye, or I'll weep 
and rust it!" 



HERD ON CAMPUS 



M 



00!" 



S 



SOPH: "I have a new job." 
Frosh : "What doing?" 
Soph: "My girl gave me a stand up on the 
corner." 




who scud a cat wab a^raia. o^a Uo<} ! - r.-im- 

S 
OH SLUSH 

HE: "I can prove to you that woman is more 
foolish than man." 

She: "You can't." 

He: "Men commonly fall in love with women !" 

She: "Yes." 

He: "And women commonly fall in love with 
men ! 

She: "Yes." 

He: "Then judge for yourself which is the 
more foolish." 



¥VILL: "Did you know that the American 
*-* women are the most patriotic in the world?" 

Jim: "No, why?" 

Bill: "They symbolize their national anthem, 
'O say can you see'." 



THINK IT OVER 

[ 'D wager that anyone with a real solid ivory 
* dome would lose his head the first time he 
crossed a dark alley in New York City. 



1st Co-ed: "John's coming up to spend the 
evening." 

2nd Co-ed: "Doesn't he ever spend anything 
but the evening?" 



FLIVVER FACTS 

A BOUNCING, a jouncing. 
*■■ A creak and a crack. 
A swagger, a stagger 
A blow in the back. 

A knocking, a rocking, 

A jolt and a jar. 
A jiggle, a joggle, 

A helluva car. 



The Squib- 




TV^fABEL: Grace dear, my ankles are awfully 



cold. 



Grace: Oh, Mabel, you old-fashioned thing! 



SOPH: "Things are coming down nowadays." 
Junior: "Yes they are." 

Soph: "Bread has come down from 16 oz. to 
12 oz., and now we get less dough for the same 
money." 



MEDITATIONS OF A DINER 

TPHE meal is served, and all around, 

The air is filled with varied sound. 
The soup — inhaler's gurgling note, 
Rings loud and clear, though quite remote. 
The salad fiend is close at hand, 
Ingesting leaves and spitting sand. 
The omelet crank now sits aghast, 
He's found that eggs may have a past. 
Yet calm and stern amid the hogs, 
Sit rows on rows of dour stenogs. 
And over all there broods a calm, 
Which nullifies all thought of harm. 



JMITH'25: "How is it that you don't feel 

J afraid when you are sitting in the dark?" 

Smith '22: "Oh I always have arms around 



me. 



HOW much did you grow this summer?" 
"Oh, about three months." 



OUR father's dug thru night and day, in those 
day's of ninety-eight, 

The gold they sought was in the ground, they 
never had a date. 

The modern girl digs night and day, in nineteen 
twenty- two 

The place and date is anywhere — the goats 
are me and you. 



CAN YOU BEAT IT 

AT an evening reception, 
Most anyone knows, 
The better the shape, 
The scarcer the clothes. 



The Squib 






hutur phachions 

'the return of John Derbv 



every cl*ud *i** 






old be&n-po4 
5 a phynn»6W'»nd 

V> to the 




to phan tei, ^ VCj$ j,, wih< 



heli 



•solve the 
ru»"^l 

p iroble 



in cev&e the milking mth brefcta 










n*-' 




the ultimate end in life 



The Squib 



THAT FUTURISTIC YOUNG MAN 

^VNCE upon a time there was a futuristic young 
^^ man who preped at Naples-on-the-Hudson, 
where he learned to draw on one of the massive 
bulldog pipes, and tinckle "Sweet Hortense" 
with his galoshes as he ambled down Main St. 
Naples-on-the-Hudson was no ordinary Prepara- 
tory University by any means, for the Dean 
was the champeen bridge artist in collegiate 
circles, and never sat in for less than five hundred 
and of [course all the sportive Younger Genera- 
tion just doted on spending their lozengers allow- 
ance at Auction with the Dean, which pleased 
all the doting mothers, who were also devotees 
of the favorite indoor sport of collegiate society. 
Our Futuristic Young man keenly felt the throbbing 
pulse of art beating seventy-two to the minute, 
and swallowed huge slices of F. Scott Fitzgerald 
and Carl Sandberg, and saved four bits by letting 
his hair reach the artistic length. 

Fortified with the theory that it is better to 
kiss "definitely and thoroughly" than never 
to have kissed at all, and with the knowledge 
that all College Girls smoke Violet Milos, our 
modern Lochinvar descended or rather flapped 
down the hill, merely tinkling, "Leave Me With 
a Smile," on his tenor banjo galoshes. At 
the bottom of the declivity dwelt Lucy, and 
altho she was half hidden by a couple of pompoms, 
she was overjoyed to powder her knees and sally 
forth to greet our prep school prodigy. Now, 
horrible as it may seem, Lucy, altho a splendidly 
clever Gold Digger, was not a minor, having 
reached the voter's age among the female of 
the species, and she knew the answer to two and 
two, and a little more. 

This being the season of Christmas, when the 
Dean had stacked his cards for two weeks and 
allowed the high tide to flow homeward, and 
the portals of the College Over the River had 
opened to allow the usual choice assortment 
of seal skins, leopard hides and raccoon pelts 
to waft toward the railroad terminal, both our 
hero and heroine were free to paddle in the snow, 
climb fences, or chatter about the paradoxical 
qualities of Ptomain St. 



Now our Futuristic Young man, regardless 
of his unusual abilities at bridge, and the confidence 
that comes from getting drunk at a dinner party, 
had never played anything more knowing than 
fourteen year old flappers of Class A, but, realizing 
the limiting factors of dress and mental capacity, 
he resolved to give up the fourteen year olds and 
take on the modest but well fortified Lucy. I 
say well fortified, because she used an upstairs 
phone and kept an energetic younger brother 
on the wire below to act as witness, should the 
fish at the other end of the line attempt to break 
the hook. Painful to relate, this modern hero 
utterly disregarded the austere teachings of F. 
Scott, and fell hopelessly and heavily for the 
retiring Lucy, who soon retired into the lower 
branches of the Family Tree, where she remained 
like a ripe, luscious apricot, but just above the 
unskilled hands of the hero. She remains there 
to this day, and altho she has promised to ad- 
dress one scented letter to Naples on the Hudson, 
the conclusion bids fair to be quite morbid. 

Moral: If you are young, don't look too far 
into the future, but be content to play Class 
A flappers. 



'EACHER, writing on board: 
tails. 



'Animals have 



The pig is an animal. 

Now Susie, go to the board and draw 
a conclusion for these statements." 

Susie did: — '- 




The Squib 



ADVENTURES IN DRIVING 

1 CRANKED her up — 
The clutch was in, — 
The ground came up 
And hit my chin. 



The gas tank leaked, — 

I lit a cigar. 
The Ford stayed there 

But I went far. 



The front wheel broke, 
A fence we knocked. 

And I to sleep was. 
Was gently rocked. 



I asked my girl 
To ride with me 

A tire blew out 
And so did she. 




She: "Jack, do you believe in free love?" 
He: "I never could get it for nothing." 



We met a mule, — 

No more to tell; 
The Ford's in Heaven, 

And I'm — — getting well. 



S 



B 



K1NDA TIMID 



ARBER: "Your hair is coming out on top, 
sir. 



Sensitive Victim: Then for goodness' sake be 
quiet! If you start talking to it, it will probably 



INGENUE: "How can I tell if a man is coming crawl back again. 
to see me a second time?" 

Blase: "If he swears that he will, he won't; 
but if he doesn't say anything about it, the chances 
are that he will." 



Ex. 



SSSSSSS — SSST .'-BLOOD ! ! 

\X/ITH an axe the villain struck me. 

It did not hurt me much. 
For I wear Paris garters, 
No metal can me touch. 



TENDERSON (OR AGGIE) 'S LATEST 

■OME out into the garden, Maud, 

And let us make it fast ! 

The twist of the noddle that comes from the 
toddle" 

It cannot, will not, last ! ! 




?- Census Taker: "Does your husband gamble, 

smoke, or stay out at night?" 

Indulgent Wife: "That's his business." 
Census Taker: "Has he any other business?" 

Sun Dial 



WHITHER BOUND, CUPID 

"When I married you I thought you were an 
angel." 

"So, that's why you never buy me any clothes." 

Sun Dial 



1st Infant: My sister got a pearl from an 
oyster. 

2nd Infant: That's nothing; my sister got 
a diamond from some poor fish. 

Jester 



"Why does he sign himself just plain Izzenstein?' 
"Maybe he hasn't any Christian name.' 

Brown Jug 



FAITH Mrs. Landlubber : "Oh John, I feel terribly ill !" 

Mr. Landlubber: "Hush, my dear; keep it 
Frosh: (statistically inquiring) "When is a to yourself." 
young lady not a lady?" Mrs. Landlubber: "But I can't." 

Senior (yawning) : "Usually." Tiger 

Octopus 

S 

S 

The curtain bore the label, "asbestos." 
"Here is where I get stung," said the boy as "Aw, heck, I've seen this show before," said 

he kicked a beehive. the verdant yearling as he left the Majestic." 

Octupus Orange Owl 

S S 

Phiz Prof: "Young man, what can you tell "Do you know what a man would be without 

me about the joints?" a pair of trousers?" 

FizzFros: "I-er-don't know, sir, I haven't "No, what?" 

been in this town very long." "He'd be arrested " 

Wasp Tar Baby 



Open or Closed Packards 

For Hire 

City Taxicab Co 

The Company That Carries 

Your Athletic Teams 

Tel. 96-W 



Draper Bldg. 



Northampton 



ED. SARAZIN, Prop. 



Hard 



ware 



ELECTRIC LAMPS 



o 



SKIS 



SNOW SHOES 



and 



PORTING GOODS 



The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 



AMHERST 



QUALITY 

is shown by the linen. Are you one of 
the best? Your shirt and collar will 
show it. 



Give us a trial. 
It pays in the end. 



Amherst Laundry 

Tel. 3-W 

Head Agent 
Alexander Sandow, 1923 



You will find a first class Restaurant 



at 



BOYDEN'S 



M. A.C. Students 
always welcome 



196 Main St. 



Northampton 




ice gazette 



KODAKS 



VICTOR RECORDS 



DEUEL'S DRUG 
STORE 



WATERMAN 

FOUNTAIN PENS 



DUNHILL.BBB, 
TREBOR AND 
KAGWOODIE 
PIPES 



SPRING 1922 

New, Crisp Togs for Young Men 

Full of style and pep yet 

not freakish 

Besse System standard of Values, 

from the best makers in 

the land 

Suits, Top-coats, Hats, Shoes, 
Furnishings 

BESSE -MILLS COMPANY 

2S2-2S8 High Street, Holyoke 



TWO GREAT WOMEN IX HISTORY 

Teacher: "Johnie, name two great women in 
history." 

Johnie: "Don't know." 

Teacher: "Yes you do. Think of the pictures 
on the wall at home. Think of the big posters 
gotten out during the war." 

Johnie: "Joan of Arc." 

Teacher: "Now that's it, think of some picture 
on the wall at home. 

Johnie: "Oh, yes. Joan of Arc and September 
Morn. 

Octupus 



The 

James McKinnon Co. 
ptjntn ?Engram?rfi 

Plates for College Annuals 

Class Books and all illustrative purposes 

Quality first. Prices Right. 

257 Main St. Springfield, Mass. 



ONE FOOT UP 

Judge: "You were present when this fight 
started?" 

Mandy: "Yessah." 

Judge: "And you got cut in the fracas?" 

Mandy: "Xossuh, Ah got cut in the arm. 

Sun Dodger 



Grump: "I'm only a pebble in her life." 
Aristotle: "Well why don't you try being a 
little boulder." 

Octupus 



The Draper Hotel 

Northampton, Mass. 
THE HOTEL OF BANQUETS 

We Cater to Football, Baseball & Basket- 
Ball Teams 
Also to — 
Class Banquets, of which we have made 

such a Great Success — Come Again. 
WM. M. KIMBALL, PROP. 



Amherst Book Store 

Fountain Pens and Banners 


ARTHUR P. WOOD 

JEWELER 

The Jewelry Shop 

197 MAIN ST NORTHAMPTON 


A large assortment of all kinds of Fiction 


Step in and let me show you the new 
Lefax Note Book 


C. F. DYER 


Her (selecting guests for their wedding) : "But 
my dear, we can't invite Mrs. Jones — why, just 
think of her past!" 

Him: "Ah yes, but, my dear, think of her 
present." 

Puppet 


Temperance Lecturer: "If I lead a donkey up 
to a pail of water and a pail of beer, which will 
he choose to drink?" 

Soak: "The water." 

T. L.: "Yes, and why?" 

Soak: "Because he's an ass." 

Chaparral 


IMPOSSIBLE 
Gamma Phi: "I wonder why women don't 
grow moustaches?" 

Phi Delt: "Dija ever see grass grow on a race 
track?" 

Whirlwind 


Woman : "I should think you would be ashamed 
to beg in this neighborhood." 

Tramp: "Don't apologize for it, mum, I've 
seen worse." 

Purple Cow 


Paper City Engraving Co. 

We are the Engravers for 
THE AGGIE SQUIB 

Our work speaks for itself 

Radcliffe Bldg. 
Phone 700 Holyoke, Mass. 


E. F. CARLSON CO. 

CONTRACTORS 

ALUMNI MEMORIAL BUILDING 

GIRLS' DORMITORY BUILDING 

CAVALRY HORSE BARN 

244 Main St. 
SPRINGFIELD, MASS. 



Henry: "Just one more dear; just one more 
like the last one." 

Marge: "But Henry, there isn't time. You 
must leave in ten minutes." 

Frivol 



Truculent Bill Collector: "Are you Mr. Smith?" 
Mr. Smith (meekly): "No, sir. I'm my room- 
mate." 

Record 



Visitor: "Does, Mr. Crawford, a student, live 
here?" 

Landlady: "Well, Mr. Crawford lives here, 
but I thought he was a night watchman." 

Goblin 



Mitchell Bclkin 



PHOTOGRAPHERS 



241? Main St. 
Phone 1753 



Studios 

Northampton, Mass. 

Springfield, Mass. 



Special Rates 
to Students 



Experts in 
developing and 
printing 
your films 



Films developed 

FREE 

to students 



There was a hefty boid 
Who came from Toity-toid. 
A goil had he 
Who flung, did she, 
A wicked adenoid. 

Showme 



She: "What do you mean by kissing me? 
What do you mean?" 

He: "Er, er, nothing." 

She: "Then don't you dare do it again. I 
won't have any man kissing me unless he means 
business, d'ye hear?" 

Ex. 



Eight O'clocker (waking roommate) : "It's ten 
to eight." 

Roommate (sleepily): "Wait till the odds get 
better. Then place it all." 

Widow 



Teacher: "In what part of the Bible is it taught 
that a man should have only one wife?" 

Little Boy: "I guess it's the part that says that 
no man can serve more than one master. 

Tar Baby 



He: This storm may put the lights out. Are 
you afraid?" 

She: "Not if you take that cigarette out of 
your mouth." 

J ack-o-Lantern 



Flapper: "Are those binoculars very powerful?" 
Sailor: "Miss, these glasses bring things up 

so close that everything less than ten miles away 

looks like it is behind you." 

Shoxvme 



$axmatb 



illiBS 



are gun reabing, bear?" 

($uoto, ttjr fair young wife, 
Ah Ugljtlg alje gltbeb near- 

"iig bear," Ijr aaib, "of life-- 
(®f life on a soft, pink auljere 

Mjere women are fair, 
ieligljtfullg fair, mij bear, 

And free as tlje morning air- 

($f life wtfrre rljarma tjolb awau, 

(®'er all tlje barker morlb, 
Hljerr ttjtrat is waaljeb away, 

Wjere magtr ntnea are rurleb." 
"Hut utj, ran 3 not see 

tytyin roay lanb of brrama?" 
"(Do, no, J fear/' aaib Ije, 

"3t'a not quite aa it aeemaH 
--lut alglg rearming bourn in tjia nurkefa bentlja, 

§>tje founb-mell, you aljall aee! 



The Squib 



THREE OUNCE WIRE-HATPIN CROWN COPPED BY PEROXIDE BLOND 

New Champion Boasts Cleverest Legs In Follies 



PALM Beach. Deep gloomy remorse thicker than chocolate pie hangs over the followers 
of the Gaiety, for the three ounce wire hatpin crown which has long rested upon the 
permanent wave of Flo Petersen, the high kicking Gaiety Queen, now perches cunningly upon 
the golden curls of June Hyacinth, Adolph Zucker's peroxide protegy. 

At the beginning of the winter season, when Flo Ziegfield staked the sweet Hyacinth 
to the limit against the Gaiety marvel, bets were offered at the bridge tables at even money. 
During the training period while Flo was toddling at the Copley-Plaza, and June synth- 
sized at the Ritz, the boys who ran in from Princeton to see the Peroxide Hope in action 
began offering the tea hounds at Harvard odds at three to two. All the bald heads, who 
are after all the only real authority the press has to draw from when it comes to judging 



quality encased in silk tights, 
June has proved the best 
Marie Dressier. 

The bout opened with all 
where a mystic circle had 
Flo arrived first in a dove- 
stered in pink morocco. She 
playfully to the ringside where 
ushers who served her with 
lettuce sandwiches as she 
er chair. The dowagers who 
menting upon the lines of 
which was simplicity itself. 

June appeared promptly 
with her inferior position 
own Ford. She was attired 
very charming as she wafted 

The referee, Mrs. Ludwing 
of the contest. A flutter of 
the dowagers and debutantes, 
The faces of a few slender 
of corpulent men of affairs 
horrors of the affair were ani- 

At the sound of the tea 
small tight fitting toques, 
polished and pointed three 
ushers stepped aside, kisses 
tripped lightly into action, 
a small, luscious, golden 
thread spme three feet above 




admitted that as a tea dancer 
little artist since the days of 

Palm Beach on the beach 
been drawn upon the sands, 
gray Rolls Royce, up-hol- 
leaped lightly out and danced 
she was received by her 
grape juice lemonade and 
reclined languidly in a steam- 
had ringside seats were com- 
her one piece bathing suit 

at five-thirty. In keeping 
as a challenger she drove her 
as a mermaid and looked 
lightly over the white sand. 
White announced the rules 
excitement fluctuated among 
and a tea bell tinkled sweetly, 
youths and the sprinkling 
who had braved the possible 
mated with bored admiration, 
bell, the contestants donned 
from which protruded two 
ounce wire hatpins. The 
were exchanged and they 
each endeavoring to impale 
sweet, suspended by a silken 
the top of their toques. 



It was a contest of consummate skill, the grace, beauty, and high kicking of the beauteous 
creatures bringing ripples of applause from the intellectuals who had motored down for 
the classic. 

The end came suddenly. With a supreme effort the challenger impales the golden 
sweet. Mrs. Ludwing White waved a scented handkerchief and the challenger glanced 
languishingly at the once champion. Another idol had risen at the ringside. 





;o^S: — dfiDDDDDDDl 
4DDaDDQQ[ 

^aaoaaDaao/ 
danaac 

aDQDDf 
E2O0OI 

DI 

jck 

IDS 

i at 
dckl 

DDJ 

ones 

lOOl 



DOC 
DDDOati <Oi 

DDODODD V ^v 

a a n a a a d . -v. 
Ddaoaaaa vis. 

pODQODDDb 

DDDDDDDD 

Daannaaii 
DDDDQDD 

Doaoada. 

DDDDDQDtt 

DDDDQODQ 

DDDDQDD 

□aaaaao 

SO 

c 

c 

Br 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



Literary Editor 
B. F. Jackson, *22 



Editor-in-Chief 
C. R. Vlnten, '22 



Advertising Manager 
R. P. Smith, '22 



Art Editor 
C. A. Towne, '23 



Managing Editor 
T. T. Abele, '23 



Circulation Manager 
E. F. Lamb, '24 



Exchange Editor 
G. E. White, '22 



Business Manager 
H. E. Weatherwax, '24 



Asst. Advertising Mgr. 
C. E. Bowei, '24 



*£ 



Literary Department 
C. A. Buck, '22 
W. E. Chapln, '22 
K. C. Randall,' 22 
J. L. Walsh, '22 
H. E. Wentsch, '22 

E. W Burke, '23 

F. Brunner, '24 

R. Langenbacker, '25 



Art Department 
R. M. Acheaon, '22 
J. Kroeck, '22 
F. Gilbert: >22 
R. Noyee, '24 
K. Ball, '24 

Business Department 
H. H. Davis, '24 W. Rhodes, '24 

G. Knowies, '25 C. Salmon, '25 L. Hale, '25 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
in the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed 
to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



ITU'iIERE is it that we heard of the absent- 
" ™ minded prof who poured syrup down his 
neck and scratched his pancake ? 

Flamingo, 



AN optomist is a thin, bow-legged girl trying 
ff to keep in step with 1922 styles. 

Lemon Punch 



The Squib 



Sectorials 



THE INSEPARABLE UNION 

Jf^k ARBER-SHOP, Tonsorial Parlor, "call it what you will," you will find the hair-cutting factory 

^^\ an institution that is indispensable. It takes the place of an aristocratic club in the existence 

M_ M of an "eighteen-a-week" s])ort. It fulfills the function of library, gossip center smoking room, 

^ ^^ and billiard emporium ; as well as being a haven for half -bearded youths and bobbed-haired maidens. 

Shaves, hair-cuts, shampoos, etc., are merely incidental when it comes to tabulating the 

service rendered by our modern '"palace of mirrors." To evaluate its position in modern civilization 

would be impossible. 

But why is it that every time we think of this versatile business establishment a faint ruddy ap- 
parition passes before our eyes, as if there were something about a barber-shop that was ghostly. We 
cannot think of those white-enameled, plush seated chairs; those exhibits of keen-edged, shining implements; 
those rows upon rows of Ed. Pinaud's, Herpicide, Eau de Quinine, Hair Petrol, Zepps', Glover's Mange 
Cure, etc., reflected in a vastness of crystal mirror, without seeing this inseparable, pink spectre. In the 
opinion of fquibby,'it is not the demand for a well-trimmed and well-shaven head that has made the 
tonsorial parlor such a popular resort, but the hypnotic attraction of this senior member of every barber's 
corporation The Police Gazette, that has caused this unprecedented tide of interest in hair-cutting. 



"THE OLD ORDER CHANGETH." 

'HE old order changeth and giveth place to new," as Demosthenes said when the lion he had 

M been chasing around a city block commenced to chase him. On this, the last issue of the Squib 

^0r under the old board, our chief difficulty lias been to make the Police Gazette Number true to 

title without making a bad impression upon the delicate sensibilities of our most refined readers. 

We hope we have solved the problem by bringing out the issue at this time. If our readers will 

only be kind enough to credit the new board with everything good in this issue and credit to the outgoing 

officers everything bad, we shall get along famously the coming year. 



The Squib desires to acknowledge contributions to this issue from the following men: 

Kino Grad. Paddock '23 

Haeussler '25 



The Squib 



Police Gazette 



Absolutely Aesthetic 



<§>#<t*§><i>#> 



Asbestos, Curtain Co., 

PUBLISHERS 



Editor-in-Chief 
otto b. hung Joliet, 111. 

Sporting Editor 
spike muldoon Passaic, N. J. 

Society Editor 
lotta limb Red Light, N. Y. 

Stage Editor 
rosie lipstick Hollywood, Cal. 

Treasurer 
imy slick Ossining, N. Y. 



Published once a week as long as 
one of us is free to publish it. 



DON'T TELL US 
If you do not laugh at our jokes. 

If you do laugh at them 
TELL YOUR DOCTOR! 

That's fair enough. That's what 
doctors are for, and people never 
realize how near crazy they may be. 

Now is a particularly good time to 
subscribe to this rosy magazine. We 
need the money to bail out our 
Editor. 



Don't forget that our cameras are 
going to see more in 1922 than 
they ever saw before. 



SPORTING NEWS— From all 

the colleges and universities. 
Special wires from the I.C.S., 
and Sing Sing. 

STAGE RUMOURS— Fromthe 
legitimate and illegitimate 
stage. Watch next issue for 
complete news of the 
great reunion of all Lucy 
Manner's divorced husbands. 

PICTURES— We don't dare tell 
you how many. All your 
sighs turn to thighs when 
you see our 1922 bashful, 
barelegged, bathing beauties. 
Learn why they keep the Ocean 
tide! Consult your oculist be- 
fore buying the Centipede num- 
ber. 50 PAIRS belonging to 
50 PEACHES! 

SPECIAL ARTICLES —The 
kind to read when Wifie is 
out. 

PATRONIZE OUR 

ADVERTISERS 

THEY NEED YOU. 

BUY THE 
POLICE GAZETTE 

WHERE YOU LOST YOUR HAT. 

OUR MOTTO 
We lead where few dare to 
follow. 

LISTEN TO THE OUT- 
CRY OF PLEASED 
SUBSCRIBERS 

I teach physiology in Flim- 
flam College. My course was 
the most hated in the curricu- 
lum. Last year I began using 
the Police Gazette for a text 
book. My pupils now number 
210, including eleven faculty. 
Joshua C. Rackbrain 

I am almost blind. Doctors 
give me half year more of day- 
light. Please send me the Police 
Gazette for six months. I can 
see more for my money there 
than anywhere else. 

Satisfied 

Accept a poor wife's thanks. 
Until I bought your magazine 
for my husband last Christmas,, 
he was never at home. He now 
spends one evening a week read- 
ing the Gazette. 

Mrs. Dumbegg 



The Squib 



I DON'T see anything in 'The Police Gazette'. 



"It is nothing but a leg show/'Jsaid Bill Bluff 
as he bought his seven hundred and fifty -first copy, hall for over an hour? 

Bro : Kissing Mabel ! 



SIS: Mabel told me you only kissed her once 
last night. What were you doing out in the 



AGRICULTURAL SPANISH 



COMO esta usted?" 
"Soy bean." 



THE Squib is now responsible to the Non- 
Athletics Board, but if we want the college 
to be popular it is up to someone to start a scandal 
soon," said the^wise one as he laid aside his "Lord 
Jeff." 



"QOME chicken with you last 
*~ night." "Well, she may have 
been a chicken but you couldn't 
feed her on cracked corn." 




Physics Personified 
A couple is a combination 
ofiforces that tends to pro- 
duce rotation. 



"IT^THAT did the young woman 
» » do after you proposed?" 
"Oh; she sighed, and then I 

sighed, and then we both sighed." 
"You must have had a circus." 
"No, only a sighed show-" 



S 



"WHAT IS IT" 

IJOBBED hair — painted cheek, 

*-* Aggressive look — mind weak, 

Dresses short — rolled socks, 

Lashes trimmed — beauty spots, 

Low-necked dress — sport shoes, 

Smokes a lot — drinks booze, 

Fur coat — grey gloves 

Davenports — free love, 

Acts wild — wise line, 

Eats, drinks — any time, 

College prom — house dance, 

Clinging vine — free lance, 

Golf trou — looks dapper, 

All 'round fool— MODERN FLAPPER. 



¥F I ever enlist again," said ex-private McDoodle 
* "it'll be in the Mexican Army or the police 
force, where everybody's an officer." 



AU revoir!" — means "good-bye" in French. 
"Adios!" — means "good-bye" in Spanish. 
"Carbolic acid." — means "good-bye" in any lan- 
guage. 



The Squib 



TRACK MEET WON BY MASSACHUSETTS. 

HPHE Massachusetts Agricultural College today 
A became the permanent possessor of a hand- 
some registered Texas Longhorn bull, presented 
by the Secretary of Agriculture to the college scoring 
highest in the annual agricultural track meet 
at South Boston, Mass. Seventeen colleges took part. 
PLOWING RACE 
The first event on the program was a plowing 
race over a five mile course. Three teams were 
entered, a sixteen horse hitch from texas, a gas 
tractor from Iowa, and a one horse plow from Mass. 
Aggie. The excitement at the start was intense, 
hundreds of students who had walked the roads 
from Amherst, ridden freights from Iowa or bron- 
cos from Texas cheering their respective teams on 
to victory. At the crack of the starter's pistol 
the Texas team sprang forth at an extended gallop, 
leaving the other teams behind, but just before 
reaching the first bend their plow struck a New 
England boulder. The driver landed beside his 
plow a couple minutes later, but the horses have 
not been seen since. At the first curve, the Massa- 
chusetts and Iowa teams were neck and neck, but 
on the next straightaway the tractor got up 
speed and left the Massachusetts outfit far behind, 
apparently not in the running. Daredevil Corn- 
cribber, driving the old tractor, took the next corner 
on high, skidded, turned turtle, and crashed into 
the spectators, killing two Massachusetts men. 
We do not know whether this was intentional or 
not as Corncribber has not yet regained conscious- 
ness. The Massachusetts team did wonderfully 
from thence on, coming in an easy winner in the 
remarkable time of thirteen hours, forty-seven 
minutes, thirteen and four-fifths seconds. 

CORN SHELLING RACE 

The Massachusetts men had everything set to 
win the hand corn shelling race, by lightly gluing 
shelled corn to cobs so it would fall off at a touch. 
As a result the betting on this race ran very high. 
The large stakes offered by the Massachusetts 
and Maine men greatly surprising the delegations 
from the Corn Belt, who knew Yankee shrewdness 
only as a story. At fifteen minutes time the 
Indiana team then in the lead had over one third 
of their corn shelled, neither the Maine nor the 
Massachusetts teams having yet commenced. 
At this point, fearing that Maine might be playing 
crooked, Massachusetts decided to shake the 
kernels off of their ears, but found to their sur- 
prise that half ripe flint corn had been substituted 
for their specially prepared ears. A little later 
Maine shook the kernels off the Massachusetts 
ears and won the race, Indiana taking second 
and Massachusetts last. The Massachusetts men 
are naturally very wroth at Maine's crooked playing. 



ANOTHER MASSACHUSETTS 
VICTORY 

In the stock judging contest the Massachusetts 
team gave first place to a scrub cow not even con- 
sidered by any of the other teams. The Colorado 
team was last to judge and handled very thoroughly 
all animals which appeared to have any chance of 
winning. When the judges came to make their 
decision the scrub was the only animal still alive 
and so the Massachusetts team added another 
victory to its list. 

CRANBERRY PICKING RACE 

The cranberry picking race was a brand new event, 
and drew considerable interest. None of the con- 
testants except Massachusetts had ever seen a 
cranberry before. California, Virginia, and Okla- 
homa began hunting among the cat briers. North 
Carolina, Michigan, and Missouri hurried to an 
evergreen grove. The Minnesota team, equipped 
with a stream tractor and hay rake for gathering 
the fruit, wisely followed the Massachusetts men 
to the cranberry bog, but got stuck in the mud. 

Great credit is due the Massachusetts men and 
their instructors for their wonderful success in 
this meet, winning everything except the corn 
shelling race which was lost only through the un- 
fair tactics of Maine. 



AGGIE SOD-BUSTERS BREAK TAPE 
IN WALKAWAY RACE 




The Squib 



CARD TRICKS EXPOSED 

DON'T let the professional gambler cheat you. 
Know his bag of tricks. 
Complete instruction book in all methods of 
cheating at cards for only twenty-five cents post 
paid. 

Oily Ole 

Mexico City 

Mexico 

S 



DO YOU KNOW 



what thrills the underworld? 



\X/E have been fortunate enough to secure a 
» * limited supply of that collection of art 
which Dr. Searley so vigorously denounced 
last week. We will supply to gentlemen of good 
reputation the complete set of twelve handsome 
lithographs for only one dollar per set as long as 
they last. 

SEE FOR YOURSELF 

HOW WICKED THESE PICTURES ARE. 

Society for the Suppression of Vice, 
Holyoke, Mass. 



BANISH THE TOBACCO HABIT FOREVER 



WE sell Paris Green, strychinine, methyl alcohol, 
and dynamite in large and small quantities. 

Sure Cure Co., Boston, Mass. 



FITS 
'Tits What" 

C'lTS of Laughter cured in one reading 
of college humorous magazines. 
Not Free. Send your quarter. Very 
good for spasms. As good as any seven- 
teenth century novel. Show your spirit, 
write us your idea of a Joke. 

Squib 



AN INTERVIEW WITH "BATTLING" JOE THE WELTERWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD 



(As told to the public) 

I WAS always robust from childhood and I alw r ays 
delighted in the pursuit of such games as 
required strength and skill. At an early age 
I became filled with a desire to be able to engage 
in fist-cuffs in such a way as I had read in the 
newspapers. A big, burly bully in my neighbor- 
hood was at that time continually molesting my 
pursuit of happiness so I determined that I should 
trounce this brute soundly and teach him to keep 
Ins unclean hands off my person. Therefore I 
began to train vigorously toward a good physical 
condition. Finally I was able to overcome this 
bully. I was elated and continued my vigorous 
Spartan training, meanwhile perfecting myself 
in such of the classic subjects as appealed to my 
nature. Imagine my unrestrained joy when a 
promoter of pugilistic encounters consented to 
procure an engagement for me with a boxer of note. 
From that time on you newspaper men know my 
history, and I shalln't have to bother you further. 
Thank you ever so much for according me this 
opportunity of publicity. 



(As told to the reporter) 

I ALWAYS been a husky kid. Me aold man — 
he's up the river now — used to git soused 
and when he come home he used ter wallop the 
daylights outer me. Dat made me a tough bird, 
believe me, kid. I got so as I'd chew glass bottles. 
Hard — dat's me! I had all the kids in de gang 
buffaloed when it come to strong stuff. Dat's me 
all over! Onct a wise guy got inter de gang 'n 
started in ter rag me. He was bigger 'an me. He 
got me sore so I trains up 'n one day I ups 'n lamps 
him on de beak. I crashed anoder inter his feed- 
bag, and bu-lieve me bo, dat bloke never bothered 
me no more! Got sorter on me high horse after 
dat 'n I keeps on wid me training 'n let me schoolin' 
go. Den Shorty McNaren gits me a chanct at dis 
bloke "Nevada Kid." Say, what I did to that 
bimbo ain't woith mentionin'. I sent dat guy back 
to de bushes wid a kullyflower ear, a smashed beak, 
'n two busted ribs. He never stood no show wid me. 
But, h — , youse newspoiper blokes knows me 
record from den on. I ain't gonna spiel no more. 
See dat youse sticks in a good writeup. So-long, 
Jazzbo! 



The Squib 



KIPLING IN THE WEST 



VIGOR OF YOUTH IN NEW DISCOVERY 



H 



AIR of black, — the Sophomore Hop, 
Dancers gliding here and there, 
Slowly then her curls they drop 
On my shoulder, face so fair, 
Pearly teeth and flashing eye, 
Sing the Lover's Litany 
"Love like ours can never die." 



Hair of brown, — the country club, 
Wine and dancing, drink galore, 
Golf and tennis, showers and rub, 
Moonlight strolls, the white seashore, 
To the high-powered motor's purr 
And the night birds lonely cry, 
Softly then I say to her 
"Love like ours can never die." 



Hair of blond — the Junior Prom, 
Evening clothes and low cut dress, 
Beating hearts,- — a little calm, 
Then closer in the corner press 
One or two, the watchers see? 
Make we then the same reply 
To tattered dress and dimpled knee 
"Love like ours can never die." 



Hair of red — the rising sun, 
Fog and dew so cool and wet, 
For the party now is done, 
And gone now is her last hair net, 
Stumbling, sleepy, arm in arm 
See the milkman pass us by, 
Morning casts its subtle charm 
"Love like ours can never die." 



They come and go, — so one by one, 
Girls they always set the pace 
Drink I've bought them by the ton, 
Spent hundreds for a pretty face 
And yet they're never satisfied, 
They even ask you for the sky 
Well better men than I have tried 
"So love like ours can never die." 



Magic Power of a Bark from Africa. 

ONE dose guzzled before a mirror will show 
you the Result. If you never howled before, 
you will be able to give vibrating cat calls even 
greater than those of Captain Capsicum. Monkey 
Glands will be a thing of the past. De Soto's 
"spring of youth" is a piker, to this great dis- 
covery. One man on using this remedy was brought 
back five years before his birth. 

This bark comes from the African Tree known 
as the Jub Jub Tree, and grows on the bank of 
the river Wala Wala. The bank is scraped off 
by the Alladile while trying to rid himself of the 
Fleadom Commuters who try to use him for a 
ferry boat. 

Free Trial. Do not send money in less than 
ten dollar checks. 

Jim Jam Jems 

K. C. Jones 

"It's Youth that counts." 



' I 'HERE were Policemen to the right of him; 
* There were Policemen to the left of him; 
There were Policemen in front of him; 

But into the Mayor's office 
Rode all the Bootleggers. 



WHAT-EVERY-MARRIED-WOMAN-SHOULD 

KNOW 

HOW TO 
KEEP-YOUR-SWEETIE-HOME-NIGHTS ! 



OEND for our complete catalogue of locks, 



bolts and keys. 



Safety First Novelty Co., 
Manly, Mo. 



SPORT REPORTS, GOSSIP AND QUERIES 

A^ME. Susie Schlutz is now a candidate for 
the woman's champion heavyweight title. 
Susie gives tips on training especially reported 
for this issue. She is known to have said, "A sock 
on the nose is worth two on the feet, and a wallop 
in the solar plexus is sure to make the constellation 
shine forth most radiantly." Now Susie is a mere 
slip of a girl tipping the bar at just three hundred. 
Speaking of bars, Susie says there's nothing like 
a mug o' beer with each meal to get the old vim, 
vigor and vitality of her youth — sh. Susie's just 
thirty-eight and was born with a fighting dis- 
position. She says, however, that her great strength 
comes from her selected diet of wild horse radish 
and onions. Her idea came from the remark of a 
great statesman, we think it must have been 
Pat Henry. "For in onion there is strength." 
Susie says it's too bad to give all her secrets away 
but she's getting past her better days and would 
like to help out some other poor struggling wielders 
of the rolling pin. She says too, that her husband 
spends most of his nights at home now, working 
on some kind of an invention of his, down in the 
cellar, so she's minus a good sparring partner and 
is fast losing her form and aim from lack of prac- 
tice. 

Kid Knee is one of our more ambitious youths 
of the ring who is just busting into the limelight. 
As we say, he is very ambitious and aims high, 
usually landing his blows on or above the nose. 
His favorite method winning a match is to smash 
his opponents in both glimmers so that he no longer 
has a chance to see the light of victory. The kid 
is a very popular fighter as he can get a match 
from most anyone. The other day his landlady 
gave him a match to light the cigar his promoter 
gave him. He lit right into the first round which 
resulted in a clean knock-out — the cigar winning. 

Our report would hardly be complete without 
an interview with our coming champion grappler, 
Olaf Stretcher. Olaf gets his title from sending 
his opponents out on stretchers. His favorite 
holds are oil stocks, but on the mat he says he has 
to hold his nose when he meets that Mexican, who 
eats garlic before every fall. Olaf says he's met 



The Squib 



him in -the Spring, with the same disastrous results. 
Olaf comes from Sweden and says his training 
diet is fish, he says that undoubtedly fish have given 
him plenty of backbone and have helped him to 
scale the ladder to fame; now he's swimming in 
wealth. 

Queries 

Question: Why is a boxing match? 
Answer: It isn't. The match is in the box. 

Q: How big should the ring be and how roped? 

A: The ring may be conveniently measured by 
a short piece of string on the third finger of the left 
hand. It can best be roped when the rest of the 
family are at the movies and a snow storm puts 
out the lights. 

Q: How much should the referee receive? 

A: If he is lucky, — twelve oranges, four loose 
lemons, three dozen ancient eggs, and eight con- 
centrated cabbages. 



I 



ART 

VE seen Venus de Milo without any shirt 
And paintings galore in the nude. 
But it all seems tame compared with the art 
I peruse each day with my food. 

I've visited all galleries 

Where artist men do hover 

But I ne'er knew art until I'd turned 

The Police Gazette's front cover. 



ADVICE— TO— HONEST— STUDENTS 

LEARN how easy it would be to cheat! Learn 
how some men get high marks! Startling 
expose!! We have complete literal translations 
of all foreign classics. Catalogue sent free on 
receipt of 35 cents to cover postage. 

Caesar, Homer, and Co., Rome, N. Y. 



The Squib 



WMOUS j°o/f£:/? /=>L/\rE#s 




doviO Bloom 

Hit of /its '/W' for fAelfity'" 



■ fa/en 



HOG- BROWN 

.f A/.4~./,erst 

lYAo stands pat on aoo/f e/ 1 deuces 




w- 



JOHN BLUTFER 

«/" Oa.lCa.s_ Tex. 






a.// S 





BOCTOR JAMES 

of' So 3 ton 

///?/# 'SO.OO 4/re*H 



OOCTOR JAMES 

of Boston. 

Zfl./y. *SO.OO BeAma 1 



>APA: Is the Police Gazette printed especially 

for the Police — men ? 
Yes Son. It's to keep them off the street. 



CONFIDENTIAL DOPE 

RULES FOR WINNERS 

How To Win More 

1. Always "bluff" the loser. 

2. Do not "bluff" the winners; chances are they will 
will "call" having chips to spare. 

3. Play your cards strongest against the losers. 

4. Green players "call" anything & everything. Beware! 

5. Be absent-minded when necessary to fatten the 
pot. If anyone remarks "Who is shy?" Promptly 
say "I was first to put up." 

6. Watch the pot. If it contains a surplus chip 
grab it quickly, saying, "I put up twice." 

7. Whistle or hum the latest tunes — a sure balm to 
losers. 

8. Hold "post-mortems" over each deal. It delays 
game at the same time it amuses the losers. 

9. Always explain to the loser how he should have 
played and might have won. Observe his gratitude 
for your interest in his welfare. 

10. When a heavy winner, be genial and pleasant. 
Smile frequently. 

11. When a stranger is in the game and after 2 hrs. 
play rakes in his first pot do not fail to remark 
"As usual the stranger gets all the money." It 
will please him. 

12. When your stack is high amuse the table with 
anecdotes and tales of famous poker hands. It 
will have a tendency to divert the minds of the 
losers. 

13. When the cards are running your way, surreptitious- 
ly pocket your chips, few at a time, so you have 
not many before you. It will keep the losers 
guessing where all the money has gone. It may 
also save you from loaning out. 

14. When in luck play your cards high. 

15. Sympathize with losers; a little compassion goes a 
long way — sometimes. 

16. When you have a strong hand against a loser, 
propose to divide — he will invariably refuse. Then 
pound him and when the pot is yours, blame him 
for not taking advantage of your well-meant offer. 
It will add much to his comfort. 

17. Should you have four of a kind against an "ace 
full" shown by the loser say "two pairs" and as 
he prepares to take the pot, lay your hand before 
him. You will give him a peculiar sensation 
for which he will thank you — warmly. 

18. When you make a phenomenal draw such as a 
'flush" or "full house" on a four card buy to an 

ace, against a loser's "pot straight" explain how 
you came in on an inspiration. It will console 
him — perhaps. 

19. When you start in to play, name a definite hour 
when you will quit the game. When the time 
arrives, it will still remain optional with you to 
continue or not. If ahead, pocket your wealth, 
and excuse yourself. 

20. Some players arrange to receive a telephone call 
or telegraph message calling them away. Or, 
at an afternoon party at a friend's your wife may 
call for you. Of course it depends upon the size 
of your stack whether or not to take advantage 
of these "unlooked for" opportunities. 



CHEMISTS— ATTENTION ! 

HOME laboratories are the rage. Start right 
by purchasing our copper-bottom distilling 
outfits. Pure water means long life. Sent complete 
for $35.00. 

Anheuser, Busch and Co., 
Milwauke, Wis. 



RULES FOR LOSERS 

How To Lose More 

1. Attempt to bluff the winners frequently and note 
the result. 

2. Every time a pot is opened, go in on a small pair 
and stand all raises. 

3. When you have three cards of a suit, buy two 
for a flush. 

4. Draw for middle straights whenever the opportunity 
offers itself. Never despair. 

5. When once in, assert that you cannot be forced out 
and prove it. 

6. I you have a four-flush in your hand and you 
must play throw them all away and buy a "book." 



The Squib 



LUCKY 

ARE you Miss Fortunate? 
That is my name. Who are you? 

I am a coach driver 

What do you want with me? 

Well, you were to be married weren't you? 

Yes. 

Your husband had an awful accident on the way 
over. 

What happened to him? Tell me please ! 

I ran into his other wife on the way over. 

The Brute ! He was married before. I am going 
to sue him for Breach of Promise. 

Yes, I would sue him for a promise of breeches. 
I beg your pardon Madam, I just mixed my words 
a bit. Your husband sent me to take his place. 
^ But I don't know you. 

But just the same, sweetheart, say the word 
that will make me happy for life. 

No! 

Thank You. 



' I 'HEY say, in the Gazette, that the course of 
^ true love is never smooth, but it is commonly 
thought that the roughness depends upon the fellow 
that's doing the loving. 



LG Y : "1 11 never play second fiddle to anyone ! ' ' 
Mary : "Then be my beau ! ' ' 

—oh! 




GOLD DIGGERS! ! ? 



I C U R 

ICDB 
YY A J.Q 

U XL me. 



AT THE BALL 

•"TOM : Isn t Lucy beautiful tonight ! 
* Jerry: Ah, yes! She easily outstrips all 
the others! 



FAMES: Do you like deep-sea stories? 
Jeems: Yes, if they're not too deep. 



R^TlSS Aristocrat: I have a rug that goes hack 
*»A ten centuries. 

Mr. Lowbrow: That is nothing. I have some 
furniture that goes back to the dealer tomorrow. 



'O this is Paris! 

" said the sock to the garter. 



The Squib 



HE SAW MOST EVERYTHIN' 



HOW SHOCKING 



JED: Did you see any of those swell chickens ¥J^ : Did you say yon were a farmerette? 
Hnxvn "Npw Wirt wnv T^m' ™ ™ 



down New York way, Lem? 
Lem: Yup, most of 'em. 

Jed: Oh, no, Lem! There's a lots of 'em you 
couldn't a seen. 

Lem: Well, I mean, I saw most of 'em I did see. 



She: Yes, I'm a wheat shocker. 



J"HE : You have got a low mind — ■ 
J He: Do you believe in wireless telepathy? 
She: Yes. 
He: Well, that's what makes it so low just 



SOPHOMORE: That was some woman you 
got for me last night. 
Senior; She is a. bit shy but she isn't bad for 
twenty years of age. 

Sophomore: If she's twenty she's shy about 
ten years. 



now 



FOR FUSSERS ONLY 



A BOOTLEGGER'S TRIPLET 

POLICE may come 
And police may go, 
But I go one forever! 



THEY say Griggs came home on a stretcher 
two weeks ago?" 
"Yes, he w r as practicing at the revolver club and 
didn't know his revolver was loaded." 

"They say Griggs came home on as stretcher last 
week?" 

"Yes, he was hunting grouse and didn't know 
his gun was loaded." 

"They say Griggs came home on a stretcher 
this week?" 

"Yes, he was shooting craps and he swears he 
didn't know that his dice were loaded." 



QOME poets talk a lot of Spring 
^ Of babbling brooks and birds on wing 
The Eternal Feminine is my theme 
For them I pine, desire and dream 
Of bobbed hair and dimpled knees 
Of flying dress in gentle breeze 
Of heaving breast and clinging arms 
Of brilliant eyes and subtle charms 
Of silken hose rolled at the top 
Of cozy nook and murumred "Stop" 
Of lips that meet and lingering kiss 
Of stillness and a half hour's bliss 
Of sinuous waist and feline grace 
Of pearly teeth and lovely face 
Of silvry voice and heartfelt coo 
0, may I go to Prom with you? 



BIE: Oy, Ikey, if you should kick me on der 
nose I would be sore all over. 




BUSINESS IS PICKING UP 



EXCHANGE 



=e\ 



(') 



Um** 



U: 






^rtw 



f 



r 'l'l 



■ ■■ki 



1 



V&\*A,t 



Teacher: What do we [most admire about 
the busy little bee? 

Smart Boy : : Once full he ^makes straight for 
home. 

Goblin 



Northampton: When you think of the Prom, 
don't your thoughts always turn back to the big 
Ball?" 

Dartmouth : No. To the three little ones. 

J ack-0 -Lantern 



Cousin Nell: Suppose your chick should lay 
an egg, would you give it to me, Johnny? 

Johnny: No, I'd sell it to a museum; that 
chick is a rooster! 

Mink 



I sure do miss that cuspidor since it has 'gone. 

Well, you did that before," said friend wife. 
That's_why itjhas gone. 

Wag Jag 



The style of girls' clothes now-a-days reminds 
me of a barbed wire fence. 

Howzat? 

They protect the property, but don't obstruct 
the view. % 

Lord Jeff 



MERRY MARY 

Mary had a little skirt.J 
The latest style, no doubt, 

But every time she got inside 
She was more than half way out. 

Octupus 

S 

Mae: I call him my Bermuda onion. 

June: Yes? 

Mae : He is so big and strong. 



Wasp 



TAKING IT SERIOUSLY 



So she didn't accept you when you proposed? 

|She sure did. 

But you said she threw you down. 

She did, and held me there till I gave her the 



ring. 



Sunday School Teacher: Will one of the little 
boys tell me who led the children of Israel into 
Canaan ? 

No reply. 

Teacher (sternly) : Little boy on the aisle seat, 
who led the children of Israel into Canaan?" 

Frightened Boy: It wasn't me, teacher. I 
just joined this Sunday. 

Record 



Swish: Gee, that's a wicked looking pair of 
shoes. 

Swash: They are. Both soles gone to Hell 
already. 

Banter 



He: I weut to Boston by music. 
She: By music. 
He: Yes, via Lynn. 



Purple Cow 



S 



Chaparral 



There's a great field for this," said the bug- 

Octopus 



catcher running across the meadow 




Jenks — "This hand deserves 
another boost; but I'm down 
to my last chip. Can I bet the 
new Golf Suit I'm wearing ? " 

Gwynne — "The suit is O. K., 
but this is no millionaires' 
game ! Our limit is still $50." 

Jenks — "I know the suit 
looks like a million dollars; 
but I paid Wallach Bros. $50 
for it ! It's a bet ! " 



SPECIAL 

Tuxedo 

Goat and Trousers 

Si 



STYLED AND TAILORED BY 

Hart Schaffner & Marx 

WHICH MEANS THEY ARE 
CORRECT 



Qeneral Offices 

Broadway, cor. 29th Street 

New York 



Q. E. D. 



There seem to be stores, 
which in a perfectly good 
natured way, affect surprise 
that our visits to the various 
colleges are so overwhelm- 
ingly successful in a com- 
mercial sense. 

What they fail to grasp is 
that the mere sending of 
Representatives to the Col- 
leges does not make a store 
a College Store, any more 
than an electric horn would 
make a donkey cart an auto- 
mobile. 

It has been common knowl- 
edge among college men for 
several generations ihat we 
have the qualities they want 
in hats, haberdashery and 
clothes, at substantially lower 
prices than elsewhere. And 
knowing this, the college man 
in college acts the same as 
when he is in New York — 
trades with us. 

"Satisfaction or Money Back" 




HART SCHAFFNER & MARX 




'sru 



Tour New York Stores" 

Broadway, below Chambers 

Broadway, cor. 29th 

246-248 West 125th 

3d Ave., cor. 122d 



NOT TO SPEAK OF 

I see the girls gave back all frat pins 
Those you see are very few — 

The truth is simple and convincing 
There's nothing left to pin them to. 

Froth 



Pop ( to his bright infant) : "What's wrong?" 
Son (twelve years old) : "I had a terrible scene 
with your wife." 

Cap and Bells 



Angler: "It was such a big one that it pulled 

me into the river!" 

Friend: "Got a good drenching, I suppose?" 
Angler: "Not a bit of it — luckily I fell on the 

fish. 

Passing Show (London) 



"Good book you're reading, Sadie?" 
"Naw, Rosie, it's rotten. I've read three pages 
and he hasn't kissed her yet." 

Sun Dodger 



"Healthy place, this, I suppose?" 
"Sure, when I first came here I was too weak to 
walk." 
"Really?" 
"Yes; I was born here." 

Record 



New Discovery In 

Coat and Trouser Hooks 

Especially for sloppy people, 
college men also. Easy to as- 
semble. Consists of twelve 
nails and one floor. Simply 
hammer nails in carpet. 
Cloths can be easily thrown 
on hooks. 



See 



WHITE '22 



Printing - Ruling - Binding 



"The Kind Worth While" 



EXCELSIOR PRINTING CO. 



Phone 59 



North Adams, Mass. 



Hart Schaffner &Marx Clothes 
Parker, Tyson and Arrow Shirts 
Interwoven Sox—Mallory Hats 

CLOTHES FOR COLLEGE MEN 
FOR OVER THIRTY YEARS 

F. M. Thompson & Son 



SUSPICIOUS 

Dentist: "Do you want gas lady?" 
Patient: "Why, certainly: do you think I'll 
let you fool around with me in the dark? " 

Ex. 



"Did you make the trip across in a first class 
cabin?" 

"No, I made the entire vovage bv rail." 

Flamingo 



He: "Dear, if I can't return for dinner, I shall 
send you a note. 

She: "Do not bother yourself, Hon., I have 
already found the note in your inside pocket." 

Widoio 



Shoe Salesman : "I have a nice Oxford brogue." 

Freddie: "Is that so? I never noticed it, but 

then, this is the first time I ever heard you speak." 

Brown Jug 



Open or Closed Packards 

For Hire 

City Taxicab Co. 

The Company That Carries 

Your Athletic Teams 

Tel. 96- W 



Draper Bldg. 



Northampton 



ED. SARAZIN, Prop. 



Hard 



ware 



ELECTRIC lamps 



SKIS 



SNOW SHOES 



and 



SPORTING GOODS 



The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 



AMHERST 



Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 
To get her poor husband a drink. 
But as she drew nigh, 
The country went dry, 
So she brought him a drink from the sink. 

Goblin 



Behold the festive motor cars 
Go tootin' round the town ! 
Some drivers deign to pick you up- 
x\n' some to run you down! 



Goblin 



He: "For heaven's sake girl, look at the rouge 
you have on your lips." 

She: "Oh well, the evening's young yet." 

Punch Bowl 



DRAWING A GOOD CONCLUSION 

Art: "So she refused you." 
Alf : "That's the impression I received." 
Art : "Didn 't she actually say 'no' ? ' ' 
Alf: "No, she didn't. All she said was 'Ha -ha- 
ha!" 

Sim Dodger 



You will find a first class Restaurant 



at 



BOYDEN'S 



M.A.C. Students 
always welcome 



196 Main St. 



Northampton 



As usual 

"SQUIBBY" 

comes through with the goods again! 



After you get through with this 
Police Gazette affair, gel your 
mind and mouth all set for a 
sure fire "hot-da wg" number. 



To be Announced. 



Boost Don't Knock 



The 






fill 



" ■ 



&M 



m 



iffiS 






E? 



mm 

MB 









I 



<». 



otibris 

lumber 



i'S+t 



>*>* 



>^ 



-/ 



»?, 




r 65*24 





FLAPPANT 


KODAKS VICTOR RECORDS 






I am just a flapper 




You've heard of me, I'm sure 


• 


I am. the one the ministers 




Are trying hard to cure. 

They say I wear my skirts too short 






My dress is far too low 




They must have studied closely 




Or else, — how do they know? 


DEUEL'S DRUG 
STORE 


Beanpot 


YOU TELL EM, SMOKE UP 




Cords: "Did you receive a notice from, the 




Registrar to call on him?" 




Rushee: "I went to see him., but as he was not 




there my conscience is clear — I just left my calling 
card and now it is up to him." 






Chaparral 


PROOF 


DUNHILL, BBB, 


i fcTT 11 1 1 f)M 




Hubby, do you love mer 


WATERMAN TREBOR AND 


"Of course." 


FOUNT A I N PENS K AG WOOD I E 


"How much do you love me?" 


■ * T u >. ■ 1 /-^ 


"Well, here's my check book. You can glance 


PIPES 


over the stubs." 




Judge 




Mother: "The train service in Boston must 


PAYING IN ADVANCE 


be terrible." 




Father: "Howzat?" 


The other day a fellow put a sign on his coat 


Mother: "Why, Clarence writes that he was 


in the L. A. Building — "The owner of this coat 


forced to spend an entire night in Station 16." 


is a member of the boxing team and can deliver 


Too Doo 


a knockout blow of 250 pounds. I shall return 
in fiv? minutea." 






When he came back the coat was gone, but the 


She: "Isn't it cold?" 


sign said — "You're all wrong- The owner of this 


He- "A-huh " 


coat h a member of the track team and can do the 


1 ■ ■ ■ -x. -ZL J. 1 %^A i. J. • 

She: "Isn't it cold?" 


half mile in two minutes flat. I shall not return." 


He: "A-H-UH." 


Froth 


She: "Will someone please ring this dumbeir j " 




Octopus 


The 


The Draper Hotel 


James McKmnon Co. 


Northampton, Mass. 


THE HOTEL OF BANQUETS 


flfyattf iEngrawra 


We Cater to Football, Baseball & Basket- 




Ball Teams 


Plates for College Annuals 


Also to — 


Class Books and all illustrative purposes 


Class Banquets, of which we have made 


Quality first. Prices Right. 


such a Great Success — Come Again. 


257 Main St. Springfield, Mass. 


WM. M. KIMBALL, PROP. 



he 



CADILLAC CARS TO RENT 



By the Day, Hour, or Trip 



EXCELLENT SERVICE— REASONABLE RATES 

AMHERST TAXI CO. 

B. G. Torrance 



TEL. 6 



Office 

Main St. Opp. Town Hall 



Amherst, Mass. 



His girl rides in a limousine 

Mine in a Ford coupe. 

His girl speaks in a dulcet voice 

Mine in a donkey's bray. 

His girl is fast and dangerous, 

Mine is pure and good, 

And would I change my girl for his? 

You bet your life I would — NOT. 

(My girl's old man owns 100 bottles of Scotch) 

Mainiac 



E. F. CARLSON CO. 



CONTRACTORS 



ALUMNI MEMORIAL BUILDING 
GIRLS' DORMITORY BUILDING 



CAVALRY HORSE BARN 



244 Main St. 



SPRINGFIELD, MASS. 



If You Don't Smoke Them, 
We Both Lose 



The 

Fenbros Cigar 

8c, 2 for 15c 



Th< 



E. & J. Cigar 

13c, 2 for 25c 



The E. & J. Cigar Co. 

Manufacturers of Cigars 



Wholesalers of 
Cigars, Cigarettes and Tobacco 



25 Main Street, Northampton, Mass. 



mitcbell Bclhin 



PHOTOGRAPHERS 



241 Main St. 
Phone 1753 



Studios 

Northampton, Mass. 

Springfield, Mass. 



Special Rates 
to Students 



Experts in 
developing and 
printing 
your films 



Films developed 

FREE 

to students 



Amherst Book Store 

Fountain Pens and Banners 



A large assortment of all kinds of Fiction 



Step in and let me show you the new 
Lefax Note Book 



C. F. DYER 



WHAT DID HE MEAN? 

Speaker at assembly: "When I was two years 
old my parents died and I have done many other 
things since." 



A HOT TIME 

English as she is written: "The Black Prince, 
being popular with the nobility, was toasted on 
every side." 



Some people are sensible — others study on 
Saturday night. 



WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER 

"I cut off only one hundred heads yesterday." 
"You don't say. They must have been big 
fellows if that's all you got." 

"That's so. The bigger they come, the better 
I like it." 

"You wouldn't mind cutting off a few heads for 
me would you?" 

"No, I can cut off all you want." 

"You might get me a barrelful. We use a lot 
of cabbage." 



QHjr learns bo romp. ®fjr U&mb bo no. 
Plattta 010000m, fruit, anb bi?. 
©lu* aamr- tH now as u%n J 0am 
Slje ulto0our mour og. 

d[^ 0rntor0 route. ®fje 0emnr0 Iraue, 
A nrurr rnbinrj flow. 
Jl 0fp tljem mmt, J knout tltrm utell, 
iut 0oou tljet} too mu0t 90. 

($a from tije rauk0 of rollrge goutlj0 
Jnto to,? uturlb of men. 
£>omr to fail, aub sumr to 0ucreeb 
Anb 0ome wtll not &n again. 

Ho0t tn to* rljurniug rr0tl?00 0ra, 
Jn ttjat rornrr of lifr- utfirrr ttjr uwrkera or. 
&laue0 to work, from lifr'0 buttes unfm. 
Knot to ttjrtr Alma fflatrr. 



Lamentations Number 



June, 1922 




G 



. \(V -DDDDOaa^lDI 
v 40QDDDDDai 
flDDDDI ' 

aoaoDii 

*DdOOr_ 

15 Bs 

fa i 

laai 



w> ,v 



laaaai 

WODDOI 
'QDOdDDI 
'ODD DD U\ 

•aaagoai 



DDDDa 
ODDDQ 

'aaaoaa 

OtfQO 
PDDD 

paa 

Q 



? 



, IDD 
toDDDD 



raa 



□ DD. V. 

aaao \Ji 

ODOOb 

oaaaafc 

DDDQQO 

QDODDatk 

oaaaoDD 

aoaoaaa. 

DDaaapDtt 

DDDDQQDO 
DDDDOOO 

aaooooo 

OQ£_ 

C 

Br 

D 
DOO 

aar 
□Dr 
aac 

DO 



iDaadc 
iDDoao ' 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



LITERARY EDITOR 

F. BRUNNER, '24 



EDITOR-IN-CHIEF 

T. T. ABELE, '23 



ADVERTISING MANAGER 

C. E. BOWES, '24 



ART EDITOR 

R. NOYES, '24 



MANAGING EDITOR 

C. A. TOWNE, '23 



CIRCULATION MANAGER 

E. F. LAMB, '24 



EXCHANGE EDITOR 

W. E. PADDOCK, '23 



BUSINESS MANAGER 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 



ASST. BUSINESS MANAGER 

L. HALE, '25 



-*t 



ART DEPARTMENT 

K. BALL, '24 



BUSINESS DEPARTMENT 

W. RHODES, '24 
G. KNOWLES, '25 
C. SALMON, '25 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
In the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be addressed 
to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single copies 35 cents. 
Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



f'M entering society," said the oyster as 



Mrs. 



OU tell 'em, oak. You've 



got 



the gall. 



Vanderbilt swallowed. 



The Squib 



GAT : "Do you like chocolate kisses ?" 
Nut: "Sure, but I prefer them from white 
girls." 



1 1 MUST have your finger-prints." 
* "I haven't got any." 

"Why not?" 

"The army took them." 




"THAT'S carrying a joke too far." 



" I "HEY say you are my oyster," 



To the World the Senior said— 

'How's that?" But what to pry you open wittl 

"I paid fifty dollars for one hundred pounds of 8 ' 7 ■ • 

butter, and got a billy-goat." 



S 



NEVER NO MORE 

^10 more I'll wear a freshman hat 

And skip the figure nine. 
No more I'll sweep the hockey rink 
Or run the gauntlet line. 

No more I'll take the car to Hamp 
And miss the last one home. 
No more up Toby's wooded slopes 
I'll have a chance to roam. 

No more I'll hear the college bell 
Proclaim the morning chapel. 
No more I'll roam the orchard thru 
To find the juicy apple. 



THE BOLSHEVIKI 

(A play in One Act) 

Characters: 

1. The Army. 

2. General Shirtsoff . 

Act 1. (General Shirtsoff is calling the roll of his 

favorite company.) 

The General: "Private Krwmsky." 

Private K.: "Here." 

The Gen: "Private Btrksoff." 

Private B.: "Here." 
(At this point the general sneezes violently) 

The rest of the army : "Here." 



S 



WHICH EVENS IT UP 



'HERE are girls that make wonderful fudge, 
and wonderful girls that make fudge." 



No more I'll hear the welcome "Hi" 
Or give the college cheer. 
I'll miss the elm-lined campus walks. 
Fare well to Aggie dear. 

My college days are over. 



OU tell 'em, dictionary. The word's aren't 
in me. 



The Squib 



LAMENTABLE IGNORANCE 



QUESTION: "Which comes first, the hen or 
the egg?" 
Answer: "The egg doesn't come at all, but stays 
in the nest until we go and get it." 

Q: "Why are good looking girls often un- 
successful students?" 

A: "Many profs cannot pass a good looking girl." 



Q: "Why is water wet? 

A: "Because it isn't dry, stupid." 

Q: "What is the meaning of B.S. — 2?" 

A: "Graduate of the two year course." 

Q: "My brother is tide in the Sahara Desert. 



Q: "I oversleep every morning. How can I How can I rescue him?" 
wake myself up?" A: "There must be some mistake. There can 

A: "Stick a pin into yourself." be no tide where there is no water." 



w 



ISE Prof: "What do we call 
sodium aluminum silicate?" 
Fresh Stude: "I'll bite." 
Wise Prof: "Correct. Albite." 




CORRINE: "Jack kissed me last 
night." 
Maxise: "Is that right?" 
Corrine: "I don't know, — but 
he did." 



So This is Paris! 



TWO football players went to Hell together. 
After a couple weeks carrying around the 
coals of fire and working to their waists in boiling 
brimstone, one of them approached His Satanic 
Majesty. "We've been enjoying ourselves im- 
mensely, cap," he said. "WVve had some good 
hot workouts, but if its all the same to you we'd 
like to know when we have the first game." 



'FAT LADY TIPS SCALES AT 350 POUNDS." 



H 



OW does she get that weigh? 



OU tell 'em little opium, pipe, 
the dope. 



You've got 



TOO TRUE! 

[EN was the C.V. and B. & M. borne into 
Amherst ? 

Must have been about the sixth day because 
that was when the Lord made all the rest 
of the creeping things. 



w 



The Squib 



-3*^Z^*Z 



* 



Editorials 



r some, June brings up thoughts of flowers and sunshine, roses and brides, but to the collegiate 

M mind it is truly a most lamentable month. It is lamentable to the senior to terminate his college 

WMF days. II is lamentable to the lower classman to see him go. Soon some seniors will lament their 

inability to secure work, and others will lament having found it. The Squib Board laments that 

it did not put out a better paper last year, — and our readers like-wise. Truly a most lamentable time, 

but after all, Great Scott, isn't it great just to be alive in June! 



£B^ Kiln months ago, the Squib asked the financial supporl of the student body in order that i! 
^^ might continue its work on this campus. We thank the student body for that support. We 

^^^^^ feel thai in quality of material and in regularity of issuance, this year has been the banner 
year of The Aggie Squib, altho we willingly admit that the Squib is still way behind what it 
ought to be. We ask the student body for more support in the coming year than in the past. If we re- 
ceive the financial support we received last year we will publish the Squib. Unless we have more men out for 
the board, however, the student body must be content with an inferior product. Graduation leaves but 
three men in the literary department of the Squib. Unless we have more support we will be so busy writ- 
ing second rate humor next fall that we will have no time to get inspirations for anything good. There is 
not a man in college with an inclination to work, but what we can use in one department or another. 
We respectfully refer our readers to the following from the " New York Tribune.' 



"The faculty publications committee of the University 
of Washington has ordered the students' monthly magazine 
to suspend. There is not enough comic material at the 
University to enable a humorous magazine to survive, it 
claims. The case of a university so lacking in humor and 
the capacity for expressing it as to be unable to get out a 
funny paper once a month must be sad indeed. Such 
seriousness is unnatural and unimaginable. It should be 
harder to avoid comical situations and outbursts of clever 
retorts among students than to let them occur 



Whether the students agree with the faculty's opinion 
that the paper is not funny the dispatches do not say. Maybe 
the faculty so appeals to the sense of humor of the young 
editors that the paper is filled up with its doings to the ex- 
clusion of all else. Such unfairness could not be tolerated, 
of course. But if the spirit of fun has really departed from 
the student body of the University of Washington, then 
it is time to establish a course in pure nonsense, with clowns 
for professors. A college without its share of nonsense 
should not be permitted to exist." 



Them's our sentiments 'zactly. 



The Squib 



I MUST take your temperature." 
lou can t. 
■ "Why not?" 
"The other doctor took it." 



I 



N German 2: "Can you decline 'ein glass bier?" 
Old Timer: "I never have yet." 



S 



D 



UMB: "What is the most sanitary housing 
for a pig?" 
Bell: "A fountain pen, you soup!" 



N 



O, Evangeline, we can't dispense with cows 
when we get a milking-machine. 



I 



SAACS: "Undt suppose dey did send us a 
message from Mars, how could dey tell if we 



got it?' 



Cohen: "Veil, dey might send it gollect undt 
see if we paid for it?" 



DO you know," said the hash house denizeu 
as he pushed aside his bowl, "that this vege- 
table soup is just like my genetics book." 
"Spring it," replied his fellow sufferer. 
"I don't know half of what's in either of them," 
replied the former as the head waiter pushed him 
out the door." 



THE funeral of Lewis W. Paine##**took place 
yesterday afternoon. The body was taken 
to the crematory at Forest Hills. 

The suggestion of utilizing some of the ashes on 
the sidewalks to make walking more safe has mec 
with approval." 

The Quincy Patriot 



READ 'EM AND WEEP! 



IF she were ouly in Kalua 
Where the moonlight gleams so bright, 
Out od the shimmering water 
Oft on the starry night. 

To sway and swing iu the rythmned maze 
To clasp, to hold with wondered daze 
Her warm sweet vibrant living form, 
To yearn, yet have not, can't be borne. 

Though rose and jasmine bloom as fair, 
And songs of love perfume the air, 
'Tis sad and dreary in Kalua ; 
She's gone for good, she is not there. 



OU tell 'em vertebrate, you've got the back- 
bone. 



BOSS: "Why do you charge five dollars for 
knifing Kelley? You only asked one for 
Le Boeuf." 

Patrick: "Shure, aiJ if ye don't consider an 
Oirish man's loife wur-ruth foive times thot of 
a bloomin' Frinchy, thin Oi'me done wid yes!" 




THEPURP: "Where Do I Come In?' 



The Squib 



A GRAVE RHYME 

" I 'HE graveyard is a terrible place, 

You lay on your back with dirt in your 
face. 

'Stop and look as you pass by 

As you are now so once was I 

As I am now so you will be 

Prepare for death and follow me ! 

'Here lies the body of Jonathan Hall 

His horse kicked him one day in the stall.' 

'Here lies poor old Henry Reeve 

He had a fifth ace up his sleeve.' 

'John Paul Jones lies buried here 

He got wood alcohol in his beer.!' 

'Sambo Johnson rests at your feet 

He thought dynamite was good to eat.' 

'Here lie the pieces of Agnes Peck 

She and a train were in a wreck.' 

'Here in peace lies Adolph Poole 

He got too close behind a mule.' 

'Far down below lies Laura Pratt 

She mistook a skunk for a pussy cat.' 

'Here lies the mother of twenty-eight ■ 

She would have had more but now its too late.' 

'Here rests Henry Bimbo Aster 

A bul J chased him and went the faster.' 

'Michael Ryan lies under thjs rock 

His wife kissed him. He died of shock!' 

Paddock '£3 




Trying To Make Both Ends Meet 

or 
"Short Suited" 



COLLEGE Grad: "I'm looking for a job that 
will be good for a lifetime." 
Employment Agency Manager: "I have an 
opening for a bright young man as President of 
Mexico." 



^TUDENT A: "Who starred in the Dartmouth 
^ game?" 

Student B: "The scorekeeper." 

Studen t A : ' 'How is that ? ' ' 

Student B: "He scored all thirty-four points." 



S 



OVERHEARD ON HIGH SCHOOL DAY 



N 



GGIE Man in the cow barn: "That cow is 
giving 25 qts. of milk a day." 
High School Man in the hog house, later: "And 
0, Archibald, the horses do not use a hay fork how many pounds of pork a day do you get from 
in eating. this hog?" 



The Squib 




II 



[IE college grad now seems more sad 
For not a job can there be had. 
'Mid scrapers tall that seemed to sway 
He's searched for many a weary day. 
He's hunted low, he's hunted high 
But no position can espie. 
"How queer," cried he, "What can it mean, 
I always had a good clear bean ! 
When now I say, 'A college grad,' 
The guy turns 'round and says, 'Too bad.' 
I'll show 'em yet; just wait and see, 
They'll all look 'round and point at me 
i\.nd say some twenty-five years hence, 
'He's at the top — he's just immense!' ' 



THE COLLEGE GRAD 



T^HE college grad right full of mirth 

Thinks he owns the whole darned earth. 
Sittin' there with dip so proud, 
Got his head up in the cloud. 
Goin' out to get some show, 
Use the head and not the hoe. 
Got some head, believe me, Bo, 
It's so big his bat won't show. 
A moustache, too, adorns his lip, 
Best not laugh, he'll have the pip. 
A girl awaits him at the river 
She's so thin she'd make you shiver. 
Well, at that he's pretty glad 
Just to be a college grad. 




The Squib 



As a rule 

I support firmly 

And without reservation 

The universal right to free speech 

But 

Being of a modest 

And unassuming disposition 

I have found that there are some 
subjects 

Such as 

Prohibition 

And Freud 

And Flappers 

And the merits of the Seniors 

That require diplomacy 

Not to mention 

Imagination 

In their treatment 

Now we all have heard the usual 
line 

Handed out to the Worthy 
Seniors 

Upon their debut 

More than once 

I have yearned 

Hopelessly 

For the opportunity 

Of acquiring a bit of the grace 

And ease 

Indulged in by our Commence- 
ment Speakers 

But between you and me 

I lack the required nerve 

Speaking of speeches 

To the Seniors 

Just the other day 



TO THE SENIORS 

God speed 'em 
I heard an oration 

That for sheer force 

And eloquence 

Would put 

Wilson 

Bryan 

And even Putnam 

Into a voiceless trance 

It seems 

That one of our Stately Seniors 

Had occasion to request 

One of our still more stately 

*G. D. Gents 

For a match 

To which that worthy 

Replied 

Somewhat as follows 

Shure 

An' Oi could niver foind 

The match of yez 

If Oi hunted from here 

To Oirland 

But ye c'n take a loight 

From me poipe 

An' welcome 

But do yez be careful 

Me b'y 

An' don't be smokin' 

That bit o' pa aper 

Too close 

Or we'll have to go afther yez 

Wid a floying machine 

F'r it stands to rason 

Thot annythin' 

As empty 

Inside 



As ye seem to be 

Is shure to roise 

If ut gets a bit over hated 

Of course 

One has to make allowances 

For a man 

With a brogue like that 

Now I realize 

Fully 

That the above 

Is a very loud 

And reprehensible 

Razzberry 

For our beloved Seniors 

But I figgered 

That what with their loving 
families 

And friends 

And girls 

And everything 

They might welcome 

A bit of salt 

Or a lemon or two 

With all the sugar 

At any rate. 

I trust there are no hard 

Fists coming my way 

For while I am 
Always strongly 
Not to say 
Vociferously 
In favor of Free Speech 
I am utterly opposed 
To freedom 
Of action 



* Grounds Department 



The Squib 



"¥ THINK I have lost my train," said the queen, 
* as her pet poodle skipped off with her drapery. 



B 



ULL: "When is railroad stock like an easy 
chair?" 
Frog: "When it is below pa." 




Gosh! I Wonder If I Lit The Right End! 



SIX PAIRS OF HOSE 

ALL darned in a drawer — 
Brite young thing: "Rolling stock all in 
good condition." 



THE PARTING SHOT 



A LAMENTATION 

I met a maid quite passing fair, 
A gentle smile 'neath golden hair, 
A voice so sweet it seemed to me 
That I heard a thrush in the locust tree. 
A girl it seemed just made for me, — 
This maid I met by the locust tree. 

Before I could meet my vision again 
She'd married a widower, two score and ten, 
A man who'll maltreat her, the neighbors think. 
And his farm is known for its awful stink. 
The neighbors they all sit and think, 
Wondering what she could see in this gink. 

Now I am unmarried, an unhappy grouch, 

I'd croak were it not for occasional debauch. 

The moral, if any, should be very plain, 

To be slow in love is to flirt with pain. 

But a girl's whims and fancies, who can explain? 

If I should attempt it 'twould make me insane. 



' I "HE heavens are filled with our laments, 

The streets are drenched with our tears, 
For the cream of the campus is leaving — 
Our leaders — our prophets — our seers . 

How can we hope to run college 
As efficiently, strictly, and true 
Without the aid of our Seniors, 
The matchless of '22? 

Now who will wait cm our tables, 
And who will salute our Profs? 
Who will support the Informals — 
And who'll hand the razz to the Sophs? 

The heavens are filled with our laments — 
Come: wouldn't you shed a tear? 
There ain't going to be no more college 
'Till the Juniors are Seniors next year! 



EXCHAHCI 



i£**r 



f 



('til 



Hi., 1 Miri 



scs 



-S0A1 



■ M — m — ■ 



«fJlW 



^vw 



Pop Jones, to neighbor sawing wood: "I hear 
your woman has a terrible bad cold. Is that her 
coughin' now?" 

Friend neighbor: "No, it's our new chicken- 
coop." 

Broivn Jug 



NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES 

Sergeant (explaining for the first time the tech- 
nique of throwing hand grenades) : "Now, every- 
body count four out loud, and then throw the 
grenade as fast as you can." 

Rookie (jumping out of trench): "I'm quitting 
this game right here!" 

Sergeant: "What's the matter with you?" 

Rookie: "The man next to me studders." 

Lord Jeff 



1st Colored Gent: "Whe' yo all gwine?" 

2nd Ditto: "I'se gwine home to ma wife an' 
chilhms." 

1st C. G. ; "Come on there, niggah, you all 
ain't got no wife an' chilluns." 

2nd Ditto: "Yes ah has too. Ah has a wife 
an a bushel of chilluns." 

1st C. G. : "Har, Har, who ebber heered of 
bushel of chilluns?" 

2nd Ditto : "Well sah, ah married a widow named 
Peck with four chilluns and four pecks make a 
.bushel." 

Sun Dodger 

"So you've sold out three dozen pairs of garters 
since morning?" cried the lady customer. "I 
don't see where they all go to." 

"Neither do I," blushed the male clerk. 

Whirlwind 



MOTOR FUN 

He: "I had a blowout last nite. 
She: "I think you're mean, you never invite 
me to any of your parties. 

Octopus 



DRIP 

Woman (hiring plumber): "Are you a Union 
man r 

Plumber: "Gawd, no! I'm Hawvard." 

Jester 



"Where do you live?" asked the census taker. 
"I live by the church," replied the deacon, as 
he pocketed the collection. 

Yale Record 



He: 

She: 
He: 

She; 



cc 



Do you like blind dates?" 
'Oh yes, and deaf and dumb ones as well? 
How do you mean, deaf and dumb?" 
'The kind that read your lips by touch." 

Broivn Jug 



THE DEUCE YOU SAY 



She: "Is he very bashful?" 

Second Ditto: "When he took me on the roller- 
coaster he told me to hold tight to the bar or I'd 

fall out." 

Virginia Reel 



"Have you read the write-up in the Bible of the 
Egyptian tennis game?" 
"No, What does it say?" 
' 'Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.' 

Flamingo 




Guptas 



First Senior (sadly) — "A few 
hours now, and the beautiful 
friendships and fine associations 
of college years will be little 
more than memories." 

Second Senior — " Stow that 
baccalaureate stuff, Old Timer! 
Most of us will be continually 
running into each other in one 
of the Wallach Bros.' stores." 



SPECIAL 

Tuxedo 

Coat and Trousers 

Si 



STYLED AND TAILORED BY 

Hart Schaffner & Marx 

WHICH MEANS THEY ARE 
CORRECT 



Qeneral Offices 

Broadway, cor. 29th Street 

New York 



After another year— 
an appreciation 

Last Fall, by way of extend- 
ing our service to our friends 
in the colleges, we com- 
menced sending Representa- 
tives to visit you periodically. 

As everyone knows, we 
were influenced to do this by 
the hearty and repeated in- 
vitations of graduate and 
undergraduate customers. If 
possible, however, our wel- 
come has been even warmer 
than the original invitation — 
everywhere. 

Old customers have not 
only gone out of their way to 
make us feel at home ; noth- 
ing would do but what their 
friends should also be our 
friends and customers. For 
all these courtesies we again 
thank you. 

"Satisfaction or Money Back" 




HART SCHAFFNER & MARX 




"Four New York Stores" 

Broadway, below Chambers 

Broadway, cor. 29th 

246-248 West 125th 

3d Ave., cor. 122d 



Good pictures may be taken through a pin 
hole, but did you ever see one that was taken through 
a key hole? 



Owl: "Have you ever noticed that breeze 
rhymes with knees?" 

Growl: "Yeh, and it rhymes with sneeze, 
too, doesn't it?" 

Flamingo 



SURE CURE FOR LOVE SICKNESS 

Stick your head in a bucket of cold water three 
times and take it out twice. 

Malteaser 



CONSISTENCY 

She sat up straight, she tossed her head. 
"I'm not that kind of girl," she said; 
"I don't allow strange men to kiss me, 
"You know it's really rather risky." 

His features burned, his face was ashen 
"I say," he said in baffled passion, 
"That's not the way to treat a chap; 
"If you feel like that, get off my lap." 

Chaparral 



The Mary Marguerite 

1 ea Ixoom ana r ooa onof> 



21 State Street Northampton, Mass. 

Lunches and Supper Served 

Hours 11:00-6:00 

rJW rsJS e9p 

*JJw wjw <J$* 

Accommodations made for 
private evening dinner parties 



Printing - Ruling - Binding 



"The Kind Worth While" 



EXCELSIOR PRINTING CO. 

Phone 59 



North Adams, Mass. 



As Usual 



Our assortment of White Flannels, Straw 

Hats, Golf Suits and Hose are the best to 

be found and you may always be sure 

that our prices will be the lowest. 



F. M. Thompson & Son 



HART, SCHAFFNER & MARX CLOTHES 



NICE FELLOW 

"I met a generous fellow last week." 

^Uh-huh?" 

"When I was going past a farm the other day 
a bull pup came out, ripped up my best suit, 
chewed a piece out of my leg, and wouldn't let 
go until I had choked him to death. Yes- 
terday the farmer asked me to come around to 
settle damages. When I appeared, he said the 
dog was worth $500, but seeing the dog had started 
the fight, and I had suffered some injuries, and 
apparently was not a rich man anyway, he'd 
be satisfied if I paid him $100." 



GREAT LIFE 

I'd love to be a college prof 

With nothing else to do 
But give the students their exams. 

And grin — and flunk a few. 

Beanpot 



'The Great Salt Lake is falling off of the 
earth," cried an unlucky bacterium as a big tear 



dropped from Margie's cheek. 



Open or Closed Packard 
For Hire 

City Taxicab Co 

The Company That Carries 

Your Athletic Teams 

Tel. 96- W 



Draper Bldg. 



Northampton 



ED. SARAZIN, Prop. 



Hard 



ware 



Sporting Goods 



Fishermen's Supplies 



The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 



AMHERST 



"I'm right in the swim of society," said the 
little fish at Palm Beach. 



SOMETHING WRONG 

"You may give me a pound of raisins, a cake of 
yeast, a peck of apples — " 
les, yes. 
"And four cakes of soap." 

"Huh! I'll never try that recipe," said the 
grocer, as he turned away. 

Judge 



"He's having a drink on me," thought the ele- 
phant as its driver drew out his flask. 



Pear Captain Billy: "Why do most men appear 
to take more pleasure in kissing pretty flappers 
in preference to grass widows?" — Omar Cayenne. 

"The difference, my boy, is as between Delight- 
ful Acquiescence and Frantic Cooperation. 

Whiz Bang 



You will find a first class Restaurant 



at 



BOYDEN'S 



M. A.C. Students 



always welcome 



196 Main St. 



Northampton 



2 



/ (-4? 



The College Qrad Has 

SQUIBBY 



To help him back the world with a smile, Squibby 
makes everybody happier. Gives Old Man Gloom 
a run for his money. 

This issue is the last one for this college year. 
The best year Squibby has yet had! It is our first 
year under the Non-Athletic Board. 

We are getting organized to give you a bigger 
Squib than ever. Be ready to help and support your 
own college publication. 



THE AGGIE SQUIB